I, Agnostic

technology

2011-03-12T10:26:00.006-06:00

When I first started this blog, I had the high-paying owns-your-life kind of job, and if I recall correctly, my first Blackberry. I really, really like new technology, but I do tend to be just a tad behind the 8 ball in catching on - there were MANY already addicted to their Blackberries before I was just getting my first. But I loved having access to my email from my pocket! Now, couple of years later, couple of phones later, not only is my email in my pocket, but so is all the internet, you tube, my blog, any book I feel like getting on amazon, the library of Congress if I want ... all in my pocket and on my phone! Crazy, amazing and very entertaining. I love that I can actually do my blog from my phone. And I can read books on my phone. And I can price check items on my phone, and purchase the same item from another store that has it cheaper while still standing in the first store, on my phone. I wonder if there is an app that could send me to the moon... or someone else that I'm not too particularly fond of... I bet there is.

Anyway, so so so many other things have also changed too... it is amazing to me what technology brings to my life. Gone are the days when I have to be at my TV at a particular day or time to watch a show! Gone are the days of watching commercials unless I specifically want to. Gone are the days of having to wait until summer to find a repeat if you miss a show - I can just catch it online! In fact, gone are repeats in the summer at all for that matter! And life without caller ID?!?! I barely remember that.

But it's cool to me to look at how technology has affected my recovery. Blogs, online/email meetings, documents/study guides online, speakers online, twelve step Twitter, a Big Book on my kindle, Skype meetings... the list just goes on and on! But I have to avail myself to those things and be willing to try them and use them, because for every cool thing that can enhance my recovery, there's probably ten or more that will take away from it. Most importantly for me, I think, is to keep my recovery ever-evolving, just like technology is ever-evolving... just like my disease is ever-evolving! I have to keep things interesting, because I have a tendency to lose interest and wander away.

I'm reminded of the saying I've heard many times, which is something along the lines of, that which we focus on gets bigger. This is really shockingly true. If I focus on recovery-related things, I feel grounded and at peace. When I focus on the things that make me crazy and drive me nuts, it seems like that's all I have in my life. Today, I think I could use more of the former than the latter.

So I apologize if there are typos or if this doesn't flow so well... I'm typing on a 2x4 inch touch-screen and have been in a different area of my house pretty much for each paragraph I've written! But if it weren't for this fancy schmancy phone, I probably wouldn't have written at all today. Hats off to the technology!

new look!

2011-02-14T14:36:00.002-06:00

Gosh, I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I've posted anything. I don't know where I've been ... I don't feel like a whole lot has changed, but obviously writing has become a relatively small part of my life these days. So small, in fact, that it essentially has no part at all. I guess that's really how people leave program - just like we recover - one day at a time. Not that I've left program, because I most definitely have not, but I can guarantee that when I wrote my last post nearly a year ago, I didn't think it was going to be the last one for a year, nor did I make a decision at any point in time in the last year that I simply wasn't going to write anymore. I just didn't write. And I'm sure that people leave program all the time, never intending that last meeting to be the last. It makes me wonder though ... what else doesn't exist in my life today that I don't even realize doesn't exist? Makes me pause for thought, that's for sure!

So I come here and there's all these new things that have been added - new backgrounds available, etc., and I thought I'd try a few out. And then I started looking through many of the old blogs I used to read regularly - some are kept up, some are as old as mine. And then I start exploring links to links to links to links, and it occurs to me ... THAT Is probably why I stopped writing a year ago! I sure can get lost in reading blogs and posting on this one. I seem to have a profound inability to remain focused these days.

But I am here, and working on getting back to the writing ... more to come, hopefully.

ants

2010-03-05T09:36:00.004-06:00

I get these free daily emails from Hazelden, which often I just delete without reading, but occasionally I do actually read them. Today, at the end, it said this:

"We are not mice in a maze, randomly pursuing paths for a reward of cheese. We are children of our Higher Power, guided towards our chosen goal through the many doors we open and close along the way. Have I learned there is a reason for everything in my life? Can I trust that my path has been prepared for me by my Higher Power?"

Ironically enough, right before reading this sentence, I had this image of a bunch of ants, roaming around in this gigantic garden, trying to carry various things back to their nest. They never know what they're going to bump into or what will get in their way, but when a tiny crumb drops in their path, which to them looks like Mount Everest, they just go around or go over or turn around and go elsewhere. They don't just stop and stare at this gigantic obstacle and ruminate, "why me? why me?!?!" And they don't need to assign some great, significant meaning to it either, about how something above must have really meant them to go over there instead, or that some greater good was served by their delay in arrival. They just move on - take what's in front of them and move on.

It occurred to me that such a life is a rather free life to live - no need to make great meaning out of various obstacles - just take what's in front of you and keep going. The mission is to move various objects from place A to place B. If something gets in the way, try something different. And while it can be somewhat comforting to create some grandiose meaning to everything I do, most of the time it really is just about moving various objects from place A to place B.

So then I read this thing from Hazelden about how we're NOT rats in a maze and I'm thinking, maybe not, but maybe we're ants, on an ant hill! And then I read about how there is always a reason for everything, and I think, no - I think we just like to find a reason for everything. This might just be my inner cynic talking, but really, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. That old saying "shit happens" has a lot of truth to it! I've never been able to stomach the idea that somewhere there is a majestic being that actually has some deep-seated reason for some kid to sit and starve in a third world country while another kid sits in Los Angeles watching Nickelodeon and drinking Yoo-hoo.

I do, however, think that psychologically, human beings like to have reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know whether there is just a sense of comfort that comes from an explanation, or maybe it is as simple as having something to focus our minds on while dealing with the shock or trauma from whatever bad event happened. Regardless, I find it much easier to stomach that finding reason for what happens can provide comfort, and as such, finding reasons for bad things is not bad.

Same goes for having a belief that my path has been pre-planned by my higher power. Honestly, if this is really true, then why bother doing anything? If it's set to be by a higher power, then it's going to be what it's going to be. To me it seems to be an excuse - another way of finding reason for everything, when in fact no reason could be found - "I guess it was just supposed to be this way." Why not just say "I guess this is just the way it is." Just as likely accurate, if not more so, I think.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to acceptance. You can either accept what is for what it is or not. I believe you will make yourself crazy if you do not. Any ant that refused to go around an obstacle would most assuredly end up dead. Acceptance is basic to survival, and we humans are unfortunate enough to actually have the option of whether to accept those things in our life (the great cosmic joke on us!). The longer I deny something or avoid something or pretend it's not happening, the longer I spend not living in reality, and I may as well be in a nut-ward for that.

Of course all of this is always easier to say than do ... acceptance is often something that I struggle with, particularly when it is something that I am "stuck" with that I don't particularly like. I can easily get drawn into the idea that if I complain long enough, refuse to accept long enough, that somehow it will make it "not so." The problem is, that all I do is prolong my misery. In fact, I make it worse because I make that misery a focal point in my life. And what I've learned more than anything is that saying I've accepted something when I haven't only makes it that much worse.

Today, I'm going to accept that I kind of do feel like an ant on an ant hill and I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm going to accept that I don't feel like some child of a higher power and that doesn't bother me. I'm also going to accept that lots of people DO believe this, and it does not have to be my personal mission to try to sway their beliefs. None of these things are bad things, and while I sometimes feel like I am all alone in my beliefs (within my immediate world - those people that I interact with on a daily basis), I can be O.K. with that. Sometimes it is nice not to have a reason for everything and to just enjoy the monotony.

Sorry for the ramble - I don't know where it came from or really what meaning it has, but I've been feeling quite dry in the writing arena for awhile now and thought I would just start typing to see what would come out.

playing poker

2010-01-26T10:38:00.005-06:00

I read something interesting about character defects that made me think - it was a someone's story about how they had practiced step 6 and 7. They had written on poker chips all of their identified character defects and every day they would pull one out of a bag (or bowl - I forget which) and focus on working on that character defect that day. When I read this, I thought, "what a great idea!"

Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.

***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***

or

***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***

(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)

I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.

For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.

The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??

And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???

I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:

• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.

Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.

None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.

At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.

Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.

long overdue

2010-01-21T13:42:00.003-06:00

Gosh, it has been forever since I have written! I guess the holidays just got the best of me - busy at work, busy at home, dealing with crappy weather, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, all I can say is that I am SLACKING. Yep, slacking ... resting on my laurels.

It's all just a balancing act really - the pain of my disease on the one side, and the pain of recovery on the other. When the pain of my disease gets bad enough, then I'm willing to face the pain of recovery. And make no mistake about it - the recovery part really can be painful! If it weren't, it would be really, really easy to simply be recovered. The problem is, I lack some of those basic skills needed to reside in this place called life without suffering pain. Thus, I retreat, which is where my disease can find me and start poking at me like a pesky, annoying, bratty little brother. (Can you feel this? Can you feel this?? Can you feel this??? How 'bout this????)

Then I've got that perfectionist in me that just wants to know when I'm going to GET IT and move the heck on. It's the perfectionist in me that starts nagging that I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing enough, I suck, etc. I tell ya, that almighty holier-than-thou perfectionist in me is a real pill! She expects me to always get things right and do things perfectly, and she expects everyone else to always get things right and do things perfectly, and always on the first try no less! Oh-so-critical! Frankly, I'm surprised she can even stand herself, being so intolerant, unaccepting and full of conceit.

But, despite all of the nagging to the contrary, I don't think that the perfectionist really likes recovery. For starters, it is not always pretty or neat, and it is certainly never perfect! Often I find myself uncomfortable in recovery - having to talk about things I don't want to talk about, feel things I don't want to feel, look at things I don't want to look at ... it's not pretty. Recovery is all about living in the imperfections of myself - seeing them, admitting them, and working on trying to make them better, all the while knowing that another thing to work on is always right around the corner. Unfortunately, the perfectionist is never satisfied with mere progress, and yet progress is really the best that recovery has to offer. Being O.K. with mere progress is where I find the greatest peace.

So I'm babbling, I realize ... I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to just start writing again probably. My higher power these days is simply "program," and I don't think I've been very effective at truly turning my will and my life over to program. Part of it, I believe, is because my perfectionist has taken over a tad, and since there is no such thing as "good enough", why bother at all? I know that's not logical, but as established above, the perfectionist is not particularly logical.

Part of it too, I think, is that I've been rather distracted by all these other things in my life - health issues, work issues, home issues ... you know, all those things that get in the way of recovery because I'm living my life ... all those things I wouldn't have at all if it weren't for my recovery ...

But sometimes I miss those exciting days of first coming to program ... when admitting there's a problem is the biggest, newest thing ever ... when reading step 1 is "all new" ... when doing it forever is the scariest thing ever and the phrase "one day at a time" is the only thing that can get you through (or one hour, one minute, one second - whatever the situation may call for).

Except that going back to that time for me would require going back to a time when I didn't believe, and didn't know if I could believe, in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. That was a particularly sucky time because I thought that the only way was if I believed in something that I just didn't believe in, and all the pretending in the world was not making me any more sane!

I never had a problem with whether there is a power greater than me, nor did I have a problem with the idea that I needed to be restored to sanity. It was reconciling those two things that I had difficulty with - those things that I perceived as powers "greater than I" were not things that could restore me to sanity. Struggling through all of that seemed so hard at the time, but in hindsight, so much better than the afterward. In the afterward, when I know what it is that I need to be doing, getting myself to actually do it seems to be even harder.

Perhaps I've reached that point where I've realized that, while "one day at a time" is a helpful way to think of things, it doesn't change the fact that it is still really forever and ever and ever. And all of the dramatics that came with questioning what most other people's notion of a higher power is ... those have actually gone away as I've come to peace with what works for me (and perhaps more importantly, what works for them).

But then the real work sets in ... the monotonous, day-in, day-out work of trying to really live a program of recovery. Sometimes I think that I'd really rather just be a jerk - I don't want to be a better person, I don't want to keep working on my own stuff, and by all means, I really don't want to have to be kind, considerate and compassionate ... can't I just suck for awhile and be O.K. with that???

Then I realize that I've got plenty of that sucking even while trying really hard to live a principled life, so doing it intentionally isn't exactly a workable plan.

Anyway ... I'm still here ... :)

more inventory

2009-11-16T11:23:00.005-06:00

I have noticed that attending any event or meeting that requires a good amount of translation for me, especially if I am particularly tired, always leaves me feeling ... overwhelmed. Sad, even. I don't begrudge any believer his or her beliefs, but I just wish that there were more people around me with similar beliefs (i.e. non-beliefs) to mine. It would be nice to have someone to direct my questions to who has already been through this and/or figured it all out already. But I know that it is the "figuring out" that makes my program stronger. [\whine]

So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.

A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.

On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.

Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."

One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.

Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!

Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.

But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!

Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).

At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.

That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!

Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.

For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.

For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.

For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.

For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.

For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.

For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.

And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.

inventory

2009-11-07T13:09:00.008-06:00

I've been doing a lot of research on inventory lately - reading, listening to speakers about it, etc. I know what a critical part of recovery and program it is. Without inventory, I simply cannot be honest, because the disease in my head keeps me from it. The ONLY way for me to truly be free is to took inside myself, write it down, and admit it to someone else. That's what the Big Book tells me, and that's what my experience tells me. I have been amazed in the past, and will probably continue to be amazed, at just how big, scarey and awful something can feel inside, and at just how small and insignificant that same something can feel when I've written it down on paper and admitted it to someone else. The tricky part is, getting it out on paper and telling someone, since it is still at the big/scary/awful phase when that has to happen.

I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.

Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.

Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.

Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.

Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.

Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.

But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!

My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)

So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.

Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.

The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.

So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.

I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.

autonomously, with harmony

2009-11-02T10:49:00.005-06:00

The Fourth Tradition:

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.

I find that there are four prongs to the fourth tradition ... 1) I have to be autonomous; 2) I have to let other people be autonomous; 3) In my autonomy, I can't go so far as to affect the group as a whole; and 4) In letting other people be autonomous, I have a duty to speak up when their autonomy is affecting the group as a whole (affecting the group as a whole, not just me - see #2).

One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.

My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.

But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.

I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.

The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."

Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).

Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???

This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.

Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.

I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.

However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.

And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.

Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.

better than surviving

2009-10-30T10:04:00.004-05:00

The retreat ... it went well. Much better than last year, for sure! At the beginning, the speaker asked us all to identify our intentions for the weekend. I had absolutely no idea! By that point, I was just happy to be arriving without dreading it. So I said that my intention was to know what my intentions are by the end of the weekend. That was the best I could come up with. But by the end of the weekend, I realized that my intention for the weekend was just to see where I was at - I had a vivid recollection of what last year's experience was, I had recognized what I had been working on for the last year, and I could finally put it all to the test.

Granted, this year's speaker was completely different than last year's and there was not the continuous religious undertones. Still, I always run into other people who are very religious, and there was sufficient information to have some idea of what the speaker's religious viewpoint was. (Nevermind that I am probably hypersensitive to religious undertones just because it can be quite a trigger for me.) But nonetheless, it didn't bother me at all. I was able to hear people's religious views, and even hear a story from the bible, and it did not bother me. I could actually see beyond the specific content of the story and get the bigger picture - the moral of the story, just as I would when I hear Little Red Riding Hood. It was actually great to see that everything I've worked on for the past year absolutely 100% works for me, and that I am exactly where I need to be. It felt really good to be able to see that with such clarity.

Interestingly enough, I didn't even realize that I was looking for or needing that kind of confirmation. Sometimes I do feel doubtful - about my program, about how I interpret things - that dreaded sense of "I'm doing it wrong!" It is easy to do - part of it is my perfectionism (always thinking I could do it better, or never being able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations). But another part of it is falling victim to comparing my insides to other people's outsides. When I see other people laughing and having a good ol' time, clearly (from my perspective) exceeding in their recovery goals, I start to think ... I don't feel like that! I'm not exuberant and manic and "filled with Christ's love" ... maybe I'm doing it wrong! Maybe I will truly never have what they have because I'm not willing to do what they do ...

And the insecurities creep in ...

Which only exacerbates the feelings, because then my recovery feels even more shakey, and everyone else's looks even more secure.

etc. etc. etc.

So without even realizing it, I was looking for some form of confirmation this year. And I got it.

Is my recovery perfect? Obviously not. But it's mine, and that is the best part about it. I'm not pretending to believe anything I don't really believe. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone or anything else to do stuff for me or to make me feel any particular way. When I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I can thankfully look right at myself and say "do something about it!" or "what do you expect when you do nothing?!?!?" How nice not to have to look up into the sky and never wonder or think, "why are You ignoring me?" or "why do You do for others what you won't do for me?"

The hardest part is when I have doubts - but I imagine that this is the same struggle that anyone would have, believer or non. How can it be any different to doubt God when you believe than it is to doubt not believing when you don't? As with everything else in program, our similarities far exceed our differences. But sometimes, like a chihuahua, I feel like I have such a teeny-tiny part in things - like I have to make a whole lot of noise in order to ever be noticed - like if my voice (as an agnostic) isn't heard, then it won't really exist. Do I worry that my nonbeliever will get trampled if the believers don't know I'm here???

GROWL!! BARK!! Stop using your religious words or I will get trampled and hurt! GROWL!! SNAP!! BARK!!

Validation seems to be what I want more than anything, and unless others accept and/or agree with my perspective of things, then I fear it has no value. Except the value is in what I receive and sometimes I forget that. I'm not a chihuahua in a pack of great danes, so I can probably put the claws and teeth away.

one year anniversary ... albeit a little late

2009-10-23T08:56:00.006-05:00

So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."

Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.

And what came from that???

I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.

Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.

In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)

But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."

It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.

Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!

Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!

So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.

And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)

Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)

long overdue

2009-10-16T09:46:00.004-05:00

I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!

I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...

Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!

But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.

Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.

So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)

Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.

But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.

It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.

I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.

Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.

Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.

Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.

I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!

thanks for asking

2009-10-02T09:13:00.002-05:00

I actually started this post quite some time ago ... September 21st I think it said. I had intended to type up my notes from when I spoke (see below), but then I just didn't get around to it - partially because it has been crazy busy at work with my co-worker on vacation, and partially because ... I'm not sure. It just didn't happen I guess. So I've updated what I can (in parentheses) and I will try to post my notes on traditions 4-6 (see below) hopefully sometime this weekend ...

Thanks to those of you checking to see how I'm doing, etc. After a few days on my new meds, I was feeling better, but then a big front came through and I had a set back. I'm definitely thinking that the meds are not going to help as much as I'd first hoped, but I'm still significantly better than I was right before starting them. (Hopefully I'll be able to get re-checked next week and see if they can find anything else out.) The jury is still out, unfortunately, but at least functionally, I have much improved. :)

Let's see ... program ... what can I write about program ...

I spoke at a local recovery event on the traditions this past weekend (a couple of weekends ago, now) and it was pretty cool I thought. For starters, I wasn't sure how many people would even attend, given that it was based on the traditions. I often used to deeply sigh when I would go to a meeting and the topic would be "tradition ___". Ugh. Who wants to discuss the traditions??? And I've heard many-a-times that "no one cares about the traditions until one gets broken."

There is a lot of truth to that, actually ... at least as far as the traditions as they apply to meetings, but as applied to everyday life, that is a completely different story! They are far more interesting and relevant when coming from that perspective, which was the entire point of the event this weekend, and a big part as to why I am so passionate about them. We had four speakers, each one covering three traditions, and we specifically talked about how we apply each of the traditions to our daily lives. I was four through six.

(And this is as far as I got ... here's to a stellarly productive weekend where I can actually get a little more written. Oh, and I would just like to say another SUPER THANKS to all those who update their blogs more regularly! I love to read them and someday I hope I can be a better, more regular poster.)

mary poppins

2009-09-08T09:22:00.003-05:00

Well, my tests came back ... "practically perfect in every way." I have always tested well though. The one thing that was slightly off was my thyroid, so I started some new meds on Friday which may or may not be the miracle cure I'm needing. Here's hoping for "may"! But at least the long weekend gave me some much needed rest.

I had a sponsee ask me this weekend, "how do you take step 3?" She understood it conceptually, but struggled in its application. I told her that it's difficult to really put it into words, but the best way for me to describe how I do it is to apply it to specific situations, like I do with the serenity prayer (identifying the things I cannot change, identifying the things I can, and then taking action towards changing what I can and accepting what I cannot). We talked about various decisions she is faced with each day and how she can pause and ask herself before any of them, "what would God want me to do?"

I suggested possibly posting sticky notes in various places to remind her - in the car, "how would God want me to drive?" At work, "how would God want me to handle this?" She recognized that when she bothered to consult, she almost always knew what the answer was - the difficult part is remembering to consult! Slowing down or stopping long enough to even think about the options.

Of course I don't have a God with a preference of what I should or should not do - no "body" for me to ask what to do. So for me, I look inside, towards my conscience or my inner wiseguy, for direction. What's the best direction to go? What should I do? Better yet, I can ask "what would a healthy, sane person do?" or "what would a recovered person do?" The key to step 3 is remembering to ask - making it a habit to pause before acting. And I know that when I sincerely pause and consult, I know what the right answer is. Usually. On the rare occasion that I don't, then I've learned that the answer is "I don't have to decide yet." No answer is the answer!

I must say, I love sponsoring. Even when I hate it, I still love it. It keeps me connected to program and it keeps me in the steps and in recovery.

absenteeism

2009-09-01T14:22:00.004-05:00

I am still here, although I have not been blogging ... I've started a few entries but not been able to finish them. I've been having a lot of trouble with pain in my hands and wrists, which makes typing difficult, to say the least. After doing the amount necessary to get through my work, blogging becomes an impossible task. However, I've been to the doctor and they ran some tests - hopefully I'll not only get some answers soon about what the heck is wrong, but also some useful treatment and pain relief as well!

I suppose I could attempt to do some shorter stuff ... but I've never been particularly good at keeping things short and simple. :) This will be my first attempt, and I promise to make more efforts at both shorter and simpler! And I'll keep you posted on my test results ...

random observations

2009-07-27T21:12:00.004-05:00

I've been working on and off on another post for quite some time now and just can't seem to get it done, so I thought perhaps I'd just start something new. Obviously that other one just wasn't coming to fruition. Who knows ... maybe one day it will just seem like the perfect thing for me to write about and I'll finish it. Until then, it can just stay in "unpublished status" and I'll move on to the "next right thing."

It seems as though I've moved in to a listening stage of recovery - reading other blogs, but not having anything to post about myself; listening at meetings but not having anything to share about myself. I'm not sure where this silence comes from - I'm not generally someone who is at a loss for words! But sometimes I think I just feel a little dry - like I just don't have any insight to give. Of course the avid programmer (i.e. recovery, not computer programmer) would say that if I don't feel like I have any insight to give, then I'm dropping that 11th step ball and failing to continue through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of program and the ability to carry it out in my life. And that avid programmer would be right!

It's interesting - working a program of recovery for me tends to be quite cyclic - I wonder if others experience the same thing? I go for awhile feeling like there is so much new stuff to learn and never enough time in which to learn it all, and then I start feeling like I've seen or heard it all before and it's just a waste of my time to see or hear it all again. In reality, nothing's changed except my attitude. With the former, I'm grateful for what is available and for the opportunity to get to learn it, and with the latter, I'm ungrateful, self righteous and full of self importance. Hmmmm. Selfishness and self centeredness ... that is the root of my troubles.

I had the opportunity to visit a man in jail today - he is an addict who will likely be spending the rest of his life in a very small box with bars. And he feels awful about what has happened - awful about what he has done to himself, what he has done to his wife, and what he has done to his family. There is definitely some self pity, of course, but there is also a geniuine grief about where his life has gone and what he has lost all in the name of drugs.

The story begins like so many others - he got into drugs. Then he got arrested. Then he relapsed and got into drugs again. Then he got arrested. Then he relapsed and got back into drugs. Then he got arrested. Then he got three-strikes, and that's pretty much where the game ends.

I just felt so bad for him - the addict in him, not the criminal in him. As we reviewed the evidence against him, he just kept tearing up about what he had done. Remorse. Just like every other addict in the world. Confusion about how and when the disease managed to take over his life again. "I was doing alright up until that last time..."

Isn't that always the case?

I was doing alright up until ...

I guess perhaps that's what living in recovery really boils down to ... taking a hard look at what constitutes "alright," and being on the lookout for the "up until."

That's all I've got for tonight ... as always, I will try to do better and try to post more often. That just might become my Walter Cronkite closing line - They say everyone should have one. (That would be the capital-T "they" ... the very powerful, all-knowing collective "they" ... but that's a whole different post.)

the only requirement

2009-07-09T13:18:00.003-05:00

Hello, again. Me, again.

So I was doing some reading on Tradition 3, in my new-found motivation to ... I don't know ... participate in recovery??? I am a much nicer person when participating in recovery. Anyway ...

Tradition 3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to ...

I've often heard this tradition abbreviated as, "I belong because I say I belong." Most of what I read was very meeting specific - as in, the only requirement to be in program is a desire to stop. The thought occurred to me that it is pretty significant that Tradition 3 does NOT say that the only requirement for recovery is a desire to stop. I think that's because "wanting it" is simply never enough. I can want it all day long and it doesn't mean squat. And maybe that's because generally, what you get is in direct correlation to what you put in. If all you ever put in is just a desire to stop, then all you're going to get is membership. But if you want recovery, then you've got to put in the 12-step footwork.

Which brings me to the other thought I had. I often hear people say that they love this tradition because it means they always have a place to go, or no one can kick them out and make them leave, etc. Or as applied to my actions, I can't kick anyone else out or deny anyone else membership based on my judgments of them.

But, from an alternative perspective ...

I think that with every tradition comes both a right and a responsibility. I have a right to be a member, and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop. But with that right comes the responsibility of desiring my membership. Now I don't think that the tradition itself actually imposes this responsibility, since to do so would actually violate the tradition, wouldn't it? But in order to truly receive the benefits of the traditions, that's where the responsibility comes into play - similar to the "you get what you put into it" theory. If you take on the responsibilities that stem from the traditions, you get so much more.

So how do I do this???

Well, what would it look like if I desired my membership? I suppose that if I really desired my membership, I would treat it as the life-saving factor that it is. I would want to participate in it daily. I would want to learn as much as I could about the principles of the program and the steps and the traditions. I would want to work the steps and practice the traditions and the principles of the program. I would want to go to meetings and to talk to newcomers about the benefits I have received. I would want to sponsor, and to be sponsored. I would want to do service; read the literature. I would want to work really hard at being the best member I can be, knowing full well that I will never be (and cannot be) the best member or the perfect member.

There are times when thinking about what I can "get" from a step or tradition is important - I get relief from my unhealthy desires when I work the steps; I get a clear conscience when I take care of my side of the street. But for me it's important to focus on what I need to do rather than what I'm going to get (probably because of that temperamental, bratty child living inside me.) So while it's great to know that nobody can kick me out, it's even better to know what I need to do to stay in and do well. After all, in all honesty, if someone were to tell me I was kicked out of program, I think I would most likely fight harder than ever to stay in! Nothing like telling stubborn-old-me what I can't have or what I can't do to make sure that I get it or do it! Hmmm .... the only requirement for membership is a refusal of membership by another member ... that might work!

Funny, because when I started this post, I was all about thinking how to apply this tradition to my life (as opposed to program specifically) - I was thinking about how I've been around long enough to "get" how the traditions apply directly in program, but when I apply them in my everyday life, that's what really makes a significant impact in my world. But that's not where it ended up going. Maybe I'll write more soon about applying this to non-program-type stuff, like work or homelife. I'm sure I've got plenty to say about that too!

By the way ... I just noticed today that now you can also read the AA 12&12 on the AA website! I always knew they had the Big Book, but having the 12&12 too is especially cool I think. Check it out!

dates

2009-07-07T11:56:00.001-05:00

That last, LONG post was started on June 30th, but I didn't finish and post it until today - apparently it kept the date from when I started it. Sorry for the confusion!

finding my voice

2009-06-30T09:32:00.004-05:00

Estoy aqui!!!

(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)

Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...

I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)

Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.

Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!

So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).

I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???

But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...

This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").

But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.

Tradition 2 says:

For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)

So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.

What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!

But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.

It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.

I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.

Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!

the neglected stepchild

2009-06-19T09:00:00.003-05:00

I used to say when I was in school that each semester, I always had at least one neglected stepchild - that one class I was taking that I would just never seem to have time to work on and in which I was always behind. I always had the best intentions of catching up - it never had anything to do with whether I liked the class or whether the class was hard - rather, it was about whether there were any expectations of me. If there were due dates or tests or papers or participation requirements, then I would not neglect the class. But if the only requirement of me was to come to class, or even less, take some test at the end of the semester, then that class was at risk of becoming the neglected step child.

I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.

Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!

So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.

It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!

O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.

But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.

would you like fries with that?

2009-06-02T08:28:00.008-05:00

So I was looking for the story in the Big Book where it talks about praying daily for those you resent for 2 weeks to make a resentment against them go away ... I thought perhaps I could translate it in such a way that I could use it to make a resentment go away that I've been nursing for weeks now (months, really). I was looking at the online Big Book, since I'm too lazy to get up and go into the other room where my Big Book is, but I couldn't seem to find it. I did come across this line, however, in the story My Bottle My Resentments and Me:

But these resentments eased with time as I began to comprehend my own defects of character.

The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???

But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?

The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)

Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.

So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."

And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.

Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.

Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.

restless, irritable and discontent

2009-05-25T10:53:00.003-05:00

That is the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling today - restless, irritable and discontent - such a perfect way to describe days like these and feelings like these. Sometimes I wonder, before program and before I knew the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent", how did I describe my feelings when I was feeling this way? I never would have used the words "restless," "irritable" or "discontent," but I am sure that I have felt this way MANY times in my life, and surely would have wanted to put words to those feelings. Maybe. Just one of those things, I guess - how did we ever live without cell phones? Answering machines? Microwave ovens? I don't know, but we did. And how I ever lived without the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent"? I don't know, but I did!

Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.

See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!

The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.

So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.

The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.

The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.

Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.

The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.

So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.

I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.

Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.

call 'em like you see 'em

2009-05-20T09:20:00.003-05:00

I remember hearing someone share in a meeting once that it's important to call your character defects exactly what they really are, without sugar coating them with "nice names" that somehow make having them feel ... well ... cool or quirky or something. For example, having a "bad body image" is really just vanity. Or perhaps ungratefulness. Being a "people pleaser" is really just being a manipulator. Not able to set boundaries? More manipulation. Or perhaps laziness, depending on the situation. The point is, when I try to couch my character defects in couch talk (i.e. pop psychology terms), they don't seem as nasty and I'm not as motivated to do the work to remove them.

I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!

So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.

My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.

As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.

So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.

It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)

oldies but goodies

2009-05-18T19:56:00.005-05:00

Once again, missing, missing, missing.

I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.

Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.

I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.

I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.

There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.

And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.

I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.

So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.

just do it

2009-04-27T10:00:00.006-05:00

Sometimes I struggle with fears and insecurities, especially these days when faced with major career changes! But my fears and insecurities seem to have a bit of a personality disorder in that sometimes they are THERE, present and raging, and other times they are absolutely nowhere to be seen, and it's almost (almost) questionable whether they even exist. Bipolar fears maybe? Or maybe it's just the standard tendency of extremes that addicts often exhibit??? I'm sure.

So when I think about where my career might be headed, what I'm going to do with myself, how I'm going to pay the bills, sometimes I am filled with excitement and happiness - I can't wait to do this on my own, I can't wait to see where things go, I can't wait to get started, I'm just chomping at the bit to get going! And other times I wonder, what the f*&% am I doing?!?!?!?!?! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!!! And on any given day, I never know which side of the coin I'm going to be on. Sometimes I don't even have to wait until tomorrow for it to change because within the hour it can flip three or four times.

Now I tend to be someone who REALLY likes to have the right answer before doing or trying anything. I can make myself CRAZY trying to figure out what the right way to do something is before making a single decision. And usually my first response to any dilemma is to start with research. When faced with fears this morning, I started with research -- perusing a few recovery blogs I'm familiar with and looking for some postings on fear. I read people say that they are powerless over their fears and that they have to wait for their higher power to remove them. The particularly good writings (in my opinion) go on to say that in the meantime, they take action contrary to those fears.

Another person talked about faith being the answer to fears. Faith ... usually a trigger-word for me because I'm prejudiced against it based on its association with religion. So I looked up the word - a good starting point when I'm trying to translate. The definitions that made the most sense to me were 1) confidence or trust in a person or thing, and 2) belief that is not based on proof.

So if faith is a solution to my fears, then having confidence or trust in a person or thing is a solution to my fears; believing something without proof is a solution to my fears. How can I have faith with regard to my career situation? I can have confidence in me. I can trust me. I can believe that I can do this even if I don't have proof of that. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But I can also take it a step further, if I find that belief without proof is not plausible at the moment. I can have confidence in or trust those resources that I have in place - there are people I can talk to, from whom I can receive help if I ask. Perhaps I need to have confidence in them - trust them - to get me through this? Or maybe I can have confidence in myself or trust myself that, even if it doesn't work out, I will still be O.K. - I will find something else to do if necessary?

Of course, the more I write about faith, the more I think that the part about taking action is the essential component to combating my fears. When people say that they need to wait for God to remove a character defect and in the meantime, take action contrary to that character defect, I always wonder whether it ever occurs to that person that maybe, just maybe, it is the taking of the action that removes the character defect rather than God - that asking God to remove it is actually a non-essential part of the equation, and that taking the contrary action is what actually makes a difference. Of course it doesn't really matter -- if it works for them, great, and if I've figured out a way to make it work for me, even better. It's my hall monitor that wants to tell the other person that they're doing it all wrong and that it is my interpretation that is right. Oh, that pesky little hall monitor! Doesn't it know that nobody ever wants to be friends with the hall monitor??? At least, not for the right reasons.

Regardless, I can believe in myself all I want, I can believe in those who can help me, or I can simply believe without proof that I can do it ... but until I take some action, any action, that is contrary to my fears, I am stuck! I suppose I could have faith to the point of removing my fears, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like "thinking my way into right action" rather than "acting my way into right thinking", which my experience shows generally doesn't work. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to think my way into right action. I've always had to act first, and then the feelings changed later. My disease, on the other hand, tends to think first with actions to follow.

So after all this writing about what I can do about my fear and how I can face it in a "recovery" kind of way, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I just need to admit what my fear is, identify ONE thing I can do that is contrary to that fear, and JUST DO IT.

Hmmm. Do you suppose Nike would pay me for that plug??? Probably not - it's not particularly inspiring.

Basic Life Skills. Just do it.

Kind of makes you want to go climb a fourteener, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me neither.

use it or lose it

2009-04-23T18:22:00.008-05:00

I'm a sponsor - I've got three sponsees - and two of them actually got resentful at me (and admitted it to me) in the last couple of weeks for doing my sponsorly duties (i.e. calling them on their crap). What can I say? It kind of comes naturally to me, and I've got to hand it to both of them - it takes guts to literally subject your program to rigorous cross examination on a regular basis. So anyway, in my sponsorly way, I directed each of them to look inside themselves and find out what it was in them that was making them resentful at me.

But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.

Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.

So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.

But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.

And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)

Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."

So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.

And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.

Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.

open minds

2009-04-21T08:22:00.003-05:00

So I started reading "Living Sober" this morning (an AA book), with my new-found commitment to reconnecting with program. I know there are some agnostic meetings in New York that use this book for their meetings, so I purchased it awhile ago but haven't spent much time with it since.

It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?

Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!

Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.

But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.

It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).

I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.

That's all I got for today folks.

comment moderation

2009-04-20T13:37:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to apologize about having to turn on the comment moderation - I got targeted by a religious nut who started posting a ton of bible scriptures and "you're going to hell along with everyone else who is in A.A." type comments. The first time it happened to me, I just deleted them all after-the-fact. This time, I happened to be online when it started so I turned on the comment moderation, which seemed to substantially shorten the length and number of the comments posted, ending with a "burn in hell" (after discovering his comments weren't posting, I'm guessing - what happened to "turn the other cheek"???). I also deleted his first several posts from before I noticed what was going on, just to save everyone the headache of having to wade through all his crap.

As Pooh would say, Oh bother!

So, from here on out, any and all comments will be approved and posted a.s.a.p. unless a) you quote a bunch of bible verses, b) you repeatedly reference a certain little sunny spot often referred to as "hell" by those religious folks, or c) ... I have no c. I should have a c, but I don't. Maybe I'll come up with one later.

all or nothing

2009-04-20T09:41:00.003-05:00

I actually started this quite awhile ago, but apparently never finished it and posted it. Despite my general lack of required destination Monday through Friday between 8am and 6pm, my posting has nonetheless been very sparse! So I will just finish what I started for today, and make valiant efforts to be more present in the days to come. (Haven't I said that before???)

I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:

“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)

It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.

Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."

So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...

I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?

I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!

But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!

See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.

I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.

m.i.a.

2009-03-30T10:38:00.003-05:00

I apologize for being m.i.a. for so long ... I've had the urge to write a few times, but not the time when those urges hit, and when I had the time, I had no urge. My life's a-changin' these days! I got laid off from my job 2 weeks ago, and since then, I've been going through the internal dramas of trying to decide what I should do next, what I want to do next and what I can do next, knowing all the while that those 3 things may not be congruous. I can't even find continuity within my shoulds, wants and cans.

Times like these make me wish that I just had a standard belief in a deity-type higher power. I hear things like, "God always has a plan" and "God won't give you more than you can handle" and "God will take care of you." I wish that those were things that I believed, because if I did, that would give me great comfort! How nice it would be to believe that I lost my job because God has a plan for me to get a better one just up the road or one that will give me more personal satisfaction or one in which I will make great contributions to this world beyond what I can even comprehend. That would indeed be very comforting! It would be nice to believe that God is just dishing out problems to everyone and the dish I was served is definitely NOT beyond my handling capabilities. That also would be very comforting! And I would love to believe that God will take care of me - that the bills will be paid, and my employment status will be resolved somehow in a way that will not harm me or those to whom I'm responsible or those whom I love. To believe those things!!! It would definitely make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And comfortable ... why would I have a care in the world if I knew those things to be true???

But I don't. I simply do not believe that there is some greater purpose to me having to find a new job. I don't believe that there is any reason I lost my job other than the fact that my employer was looking to save money in today's economy and I was just expendable enough to make my salary optional. I don't believe that the world is a great big puzzle or chess game, in which my employment status is nothing more than a move by some deity that's secretly making the world a better place, one chess piece at a time.

For starters, such a belief completely eliminates the idea of free will. If everything is always based on some great big plan, then why would I ever need to do anything? What would be the point? If the plan is going to happen regardless of my actions, then no matter what I do, the result will be the same. But we all know that isn't true - if I never stepped out of my house again, I'm not going to magically receive a paycheck from an unknown employer who is so happy to have me on staff that I don't even need to show up to collect my pay, let alone earn it. So obviously my actions have impact on this great plan. But if my actions have impact on the plan, then how is it that it's God's plan? How can there be a "plan" if anyone and everyone can undo it and change it at any point in time, without any say by God? That doesn't make for much of a plan! (Nor does it make for much of a powerful God!) What if God has a plan for me to work for a particular person and solve world hunger, except this person's in a crap mood today and decides not to hire me. Does that one person actually have the power to undo God's plan for me and world hunger? And if so, how powerful is God if this other random person can prevent God's plan from happening???

To me, saying "God has a plan" is just a way of wiping away any concern or worry by suggesting that there is some great reason for what happened - you should feel good about it because there is an important, albeit unknown, reason for it to have happened. Personally, I think it is more about what you do with what happens that makes a difference - instead of "everything happens for a reason", I believe it's "everything happens, and what we do with it creates the reason for why it happened."

There are lots of things I can do at this point ... kind of like a "choose your own adventure" book. I can job hunt and find a new job ... this can be a job similar to what I had before or it can be something totally different. I might find something or I might not. I might like it or I might not. I could also lose whatever job I find, just like I lost my last one. Or, I can decide to go into business for myself, and I may or may not succeed at it and I may or may not like it. I might like it and still not be able to succeed, or I might succeed and yet not like it at all.

Being an addict, I want to know the results before I put in any efforts so I know that what I'm doing is worth while. I want to know what I'm going to get! And I want to be able to do things and be right - i.e. I want to go into business for myself only if I know that I can do it successfully and will enjoy it! I don't want to go into business for myself only to learn that I hate it or can't do it - that would be a total blow to my ego! Not to mention a waste of time. For addicts, we're all about the destination - the journey is a big pain in the ass. Except ... well, except that life isn't a destination. It's a journey. Regardless of whether that's what I want it to be, that's what it is.

That makes me think of the serenity prayer ...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Translated ... there is serenity in accepting the things I cannot change. There is courage in changing the things I can. And there is wisdom in knowing the difference (and choosing to act in a sane and healthy way - i.e. accepting what I can't change and changing what I can).

I don't believe that there is a deity that will grant me with serenity to accept things, especially only upon request, but I know that I will experience serenity if I accept things that are beyond my control. If I accept that I lost my job, that I don't have control over what my next job will be, that I can't determine ahead of time whether I can or will like going into business for myself ... if I accept these things, I will feel serene. I will feel serene simply because I will not be obsessing over the unchangeable, the fixed, the given. Failing to accept them only opens myself into a world of craziness. I may as well waste all my time and energy focusing on a rock trying to change it into a diamond, for all the good it will do me! It's pure logic - spending your time/energy on things you can't change is pointless, and thus, cannot lead to anything other than non-serenity. (Unless one feels a sense of serenity in craziness ... but that's another story I suppose ... bigger fish to fry in that case!)

So assuming that in fact I do not find serenity in craziness ... I am courageous if I change the things I can. The things I can change are making a decision - deciding whether I am willing to face my fears and try going into business for myself. Or, deciding if I want to apply for jobs and doing to footwork to get my resume in front of people. Those are things that I can do. I can also ask people for help, and network, and make myself of service to others when I am not working. Those are things that I can change, and when I do those things, in the face of my fears, I become a courageous person.

And I am wise when I take the time to figure out what I can change and what I can't, so that I can change what I need to and feel serene with what I cannot.

I'm not one to buy the saying that God won't give us what we can't handle ... as if to suggest that God gives some children horrific abuse experiences because they're strong enough to handle it, but another child, well, that one gets a beaver-ific childhood because he/she can't handle abuse? Or isn't deserving of a safe and healthy childhood? That logic makes no sense to me! And I think it suggests that bad things happen for a reason - either punishment for being strong, or punishment for being bad, or just to teach someone a lesson. Of course the alternative is to suggest that God doesn't have the power to prevent bad things from happening, which I think a lot of religious people find too unnerving. Except that truly, it's a difficult road to go down to start suggesting that God lets bad things happen to a person for one reason or another. But to believe that God only gives you things you can handle ... it's an inevitable journey following such a belief.

I think the intent behind saying that God won't give you something you can't handle is to simply say, you can handle whatever comes your way - you just have to find a way to get through it. Human beings are surprisingly resilient. The less you give us, the less we're willing to put up with, but it is truly amazing what some humans have been able to endure. And this is something that I can believe - that you can find a way to get through anything - it just takes acceptance, serenity, change, courage and wisdom. With those things, you can get through anything I believe. Accepting what you can't change, changing what you can, figuring out the difference ... that's how you face whatever comes your way.

So where does this leave me ... um ... in my character defect of fear, mostly. Fear of what's going to happen, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking bad, fear of not being good enough, fear of people finding out I'm a fraud, fear, fear, fear. And my knee-jerk response to fear is INACTION. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. But doing nothing gets me nowhere, which brings about more fear. So what's a girl to do??? I think my only option is to figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can, accept what I can't, and just see what happens. Repeat as necessary. When whatever happens happens, then I have to re-evaluate and figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can and accept what I can't. There is no end - it's just the journey of life. Destination is just a myth that I want to focus on in order to avoid the journey (a journey I'm scared of!). But pretending I'm not on a journey does nothing but make my journey about pretending it's not a journey. Not much of a story to tell in end. I can't avoid having a journey by pretending I'm not having one - I can only alter the journey. So I may as well accept that I'm on a journey and get on with it. Face the inevitable, and face the fear.

I'll try to stay better in touch ... not much excuse for not writing when one's not working, after all! Power to the unemployed!!!

some more higher power stuff

2009-03-11T08:28:00.008-05:00

I've been reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, which for those who do not know, is a father's story about his son addiction to meth. It is a great book I think - the perfect mix of drama and information. The author is also a journalist and the book started from an article he wrote for the New York Times Magazine that drew a ton of response from his readers. Because of his journalistic background, a large component of how he dealt with his son's addiction was to research meth and addiction in general. (This happens to be how I deal with challenges in my life - learn all I can about them - surely one can conquer all with sheer knowledge!) So as you read the book, you learn his story, but you also learn a tremendous amount about meth specifically, as well as addiction and the co-dependent/enabling side of addiction.

I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:

"[K]ey ethical principles we all share as human beings, such as compassion, tolerance, a sense of caring, consideration of others, and the responsible use of knowledge and power - principles that transcend the barriers between religious believers and non-believers, and followers of this religion or that religion."

To the author, it is those principles listed that are his higher power. But he also tells of his father's concept of a higher power as "the 'still small voice' inside us - our consciences."

I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."

In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.

I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have always been fond of this writing, although this is the first time that I've connected #4 with the word "conscience." I definitely related to #2, although rather than "fellowship", I think of the steps/traditions/principles of the program as my higher power. And I also related to #3, as I have considered before that perhaps "God" was just that goodness that seems to exist in and come out of people. I see it most evidently in the face of great tragedy, like 9/11 (where people drove all night to volunteer in the rescue operations and blood donations were at an all time high) or Hurricane Katrina (where people donated trucks filled with bottled water and communities "adopted" victims to help re-establish their lives). But I have also seen smaller examples of it, such as when someone offers to assist an elderly woman across the street, or if you lose your wallet and it is turned in with all money and credit cards still inside. It's fascinating to me to read this article again today, after having found David Sheff's father's concept of a higher power, and finding myself relating to #4.

I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.

what if?

2009-02-27T12:11:00.005-06:00

I read a blog this morning that talked about addicts being "beyond human aid" - that only God can change us, we cannot change us. It went on to say that in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work).

I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.

I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).

But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.

And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?

Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???

And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?

Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)

However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.

So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.

Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.

And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)

Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.

And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.

Happy Friday everyone!

roadmap from selfishness

2009-02-24T12:04:00.007-06:00

I have been struggling with resentments. Resentments towards people who do nothing more than simply "drive me nuts" - they get in my way, they do things that annoy me, and they simply make life go a little less smoothly for me. Why is it that I somehow think I am entitled to a smooth life? Why is it that somehow I think I am entitled to never be annoyed, to always have things exactly the way I think they should be, when I think they should be, how I think they should be? Oh, that's right ... because I'm an addict and I'm riddled with selfishness and self-centeredness. That is the root of all my troubles!

Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).

Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?

But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)

I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.

So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?

Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.

But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!

God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!

Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).

The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.

Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!

I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.

So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!

Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*

Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.

"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.

"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.

"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.

*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*

(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)

So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!

Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!

This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.

Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.

The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.

survival of the fittest

2009-02-11T09:50:00.005-06:00

O.K. - I tried to put some labels on my prior posts, so hopefully that will help in the future when trying to find posts on a particular topic. It's hard to know what the topics should be so as to be most useful in the future though, so I tried to keep it to specific steps, traditions, character defects and higher power related things. I will probably have to revise those as I go, I'm sure, so we'll see.

For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?

For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?

I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.

So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.

The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."

My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.

My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.

My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.

The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!

I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.

I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.

Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!

That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)

action

2009-02-09T14:10:00.009-06:00

I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."

Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).

Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).

Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.

Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.

Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.

practice makes ... better

2009-02-04T11:58:00.006-06:00

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not - I don't think I have - but forgive me if I'm being repetitive. Awhile back I read some stuff about the 4th step, which made me remember things that I have learned about the 4th step, which made me look at the 9th step in a whole new light. I'll explain.

I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).

Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.

Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.

But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.

I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?

Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.

If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.

It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*

wheelbarrows

2009-01-13T11:02:00.007-06:00

I have said, and I have had my sponsees say to me, that being held accountable is absolutely necessary for recovery. Sometimes I wonder if me trying to hold my sponsees accountable is the right thing to do - on the one hand, if they're going to recover, they need to find a way to do it without me harping on them to "do this" or "do that", but on the other hand, I know from my own experience that having to account to someone else for my actions makes me a thousand times more likely to actually take those actions. So perhaps the "resistance" that I sometimes feel when it comes to accountability stems more from an aversion to accountability than from an attitude of "encouraging independence."

I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!

So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.

Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.

When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.

(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.

(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.

I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).

Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!

The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.

So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.

But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!

Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).

And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.

See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.

complacency

2009-01-08T08:47:00.004-06:00

complacent [kuhm-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.

pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied

Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.

Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.

But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.

I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).

So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.

Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.

So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).

Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.

I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.

So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.

Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)

So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)

christmas spirit

2008-12-19T09:08:00.004-06:00

Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.

I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.

I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.

The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.

In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.

It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).

That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.

(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)

planned disappointments

2008-12-04T10:46:00.002-06:00

I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.

I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.

I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).

That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!

Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!

So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.

I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.

I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.

I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.

That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.

addendum

2008-11-19T08:49:00.005-06:00

I knew yesterday's short post was too good to be true! I never have that little to say!

So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.

And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.

This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.

This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)

So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!

pray-er

2008-11-18T15:06:00.005-06:00

What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?

My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.

So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!

And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...

P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself

So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!

Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)

individual practice plan

2008-11-14T10:42:00.004-06:00

So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)

It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.

A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!

Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.

Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:

"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"

"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"

"lacking material body or form or substance"

"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"

"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"

For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.

My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.

But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)

The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.

I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!

So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.

oh great murphy!

2008-11-05T10:12:00.005-06:00

I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.

When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.

Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.

Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.

Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.

Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.

So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!

Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!

So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)

what would jesus say???

2008-10-27T09:08:00.004-05:00

My goodness - I just spent some 15 minutes of so deleting off a bunch of jesus vomit comments from my blog. It's so strange to me - I do not understand christian fanatical types. I grew up in a baptist home (thankfully NOT fanatical) so I know all the lingo and I know all the "rules", etc., and I just have to wonder whether these people realize that they do so much more harm to their cause than good? Assuming only for the sake of argument that they are right in their beliefs, what good comes from approaching people in a crazy fanatical way? What good comes from blasting people with overly zealous confrontational bible babble? What would jesus say to a person who did nothing but scare off people from "his message"? When that person comes before God at the pearly gates and God says, "Where's your common sense? You did nothing but chase people away!" What then would that person say then?

Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.

And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.

I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.

This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.

Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.

So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!

quandaries

2008-10-17T12:41:00.010-05:00

So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.

Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.

For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)

I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!

So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).

Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.

Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)

The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.

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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.

So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???

Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???

I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?

What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."

The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.

Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.

The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.

Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.

My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.

Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.

The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."

Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*

And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!

Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.

Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.

I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.

Alright ... I'm out.

recovery from recovery

2008-10-14T12:31:00.006-05:00

I started a post yesterday but didn't get very far, so I'll try again today.

What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!

Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.

One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!

We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.

Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.

Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.

So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!

Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)

on a roll

2008-10-08T11:10:00.003-05:00

I've been emailing a friend of mine a lot about program, which is really making me think a lot about it. (Far more thinking than what's good for a mind to do perhaps!) But I thought I'd add it here, because it was quite enlightening to myself as I was writing it and I wanted to remember what occurred to me. (Amazing how when I'm writing, things come out that I didn't even know I had!)

We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."

But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!

It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.

Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!

So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.

But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:

She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."

She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.

She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)

Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.

That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.

I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).

So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.

talking points

2008-10-07T13:40:00.005-05:00

In all the turmoil of the elections these days, I wondered - what are the "talking points" of my recovery? Can I put a one or two word "summary" to each of the steps and traditions of recovery? If I'm using "the program" or the "principles of the program" as my higher power, I want to be able to shorten those down to just a few words so I can get the point as quickly as possible.

I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.

Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:

Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)

Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)

Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)

Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)

Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)

Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)

Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)

Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)

Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)

Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)

Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)

Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)

Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)

Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)

Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)

Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")

Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)

Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)

Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)

Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)

Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)

Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)

Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)

Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)

So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!

getting started

2008-09-19T11:20:00.003-05:00

Geez Louise - it is tough to get a blog started! But that's alright - like everything else, I survived. I'll probably have an amends to make to my employer though since I've spent so much time messing with this today!

I'm not sure what inspired me to start a blog - I think I've just spent so much time looking at other people's stuff about program, all over the web, and I felt like maybe I could put a little bit out there as I accumulate all of this stuff. Service maybe? (Can I call it service when doing it on my employer's time??? Probably not.) Not service. Just because. I have no good reason whatsoever.

I'm in a twelve-step program. I chose not to specify which one because I have been in long enough to know that my substance of choice is merely a symptom of a much larger problem, and ultimately, I really don't think it matters what substance a person uses if that person is trying to fill a God-sized hole with it - nothing will work.

Ah, the G-word. Can I just say that for the longest time I had a really difficult time accepting "God's" place in a twelve-step program. I think that I can very safely call myself an agnostic, since I simply do not know the status of God (exists? imaginary? whatever). I don't necessarily fall on the side of an atheist, but if I know nothing else for sure, it is simply that whatever or wherever I am now, it is sure to change in a matter of days, weeks, months or years.

When I first got into program, God was ... well, God. God was what I had grown up learning about when my parents dragged me to church. At some point (probably around age 16), church and I had a falling out. I could probably count on two hands the number of times I've been inside a church since. (I might need my toes too, if I have to count weddings and funerals.) So I just sort of ignored God, which can be difficult for anyone who's ever been to an 12-step meeting!

But at some point God became Good-Orderly-Direction. Now that worked for me. For a little while, anyway. Then came God as "Goodness" (like that inherent goodness in people that makes them drive 48 hours straight to New York City just to volunteer in the rescue efforts after September11th, or that makes people load up a U-Haul full of bottled water and drive it down to New Orleans after Katrina hit). That worked for awhile too.

The problem with both of these concepts was that I had never developed a method for "communicating" with them the way the steps required me to. Turn my will and my life over to the care of whom? Admitted the exact natures of my wrongs to whom? Became entirely ready to have my character defects removed by whom? Humbly asked to have my shortcomings removed by whom? Continued through prayer (to whom?) and meditation to improve my conscious contact with whom? Praying only for knowledge of whose will for me? It was very problematic.

At some point I settled on the principles of the program becoming my higher power. While the principles of the program stem the same problems that Good-Orderly-Direction and God=Good do, it nonetheless brought a level of peace to me that I had not known before. I guess that the element of studying the program and practicing its principles in order to live a recovered life just rang true to my life and who I am.

And, shock of all shock!!! I'm not the only one who uses the program as a higher power! In fact, the literature I've been reading since my first day in suggests it as an option! I heard a speaker say once that a revelation is something that I am just now discovering that someone else has been trying to tell me for 6 months or more. My development of a higher power was definitely a revelation!!! And thankfully, because I'm not the first to develop this idea, I was able to find all sorts of things on the web that helped me interpret the steps (and traditions - I find them to be an essential part of the principles of the program that encompass my higher power) in a way that works for me (eliminating all of the "to whom" questions that plagued me before). So as I learn to incorporate the steps and traditions in my everyday life, I am growing spiritually and I am making spiritual progress (most definitely NOT perfection).

I guess that's all I have at the moment - far more than I realized I had, and probably only a chip off the iceberg of stuff I hope to learn in this program. To anyone who's new in recovery - just know that it is a long, wonderful progress - you will probably not get anywhere over night, but you just might be surprised how far you can travel piecing together one overnight after another overnight after another overnight. To anyone who's been in recover for a long time - have patience with me - I know I've got a long, long way to go, and I welcome any advice you might have to offer.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll come back to update this here blog more than once every six months. I know - such a lofty goal!