restless, irritable and discontent

That is the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling today - restless, irritable and discontent - such a perfect way to describe days like these and feelings like these. Sometimes I wonder, before program and before I knew the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent", how did I describe my feelings when I was feeling this way? I never would have used the words "restless," "irritable" or "discontent," but I am sure that I have felt this way MANY times in my life, and surely would have wanted to put words to those feelings. Maybe. Just one of those things, I guess - how did we ever live without cell phones? Answering machines? Microwave ovens? I don't know, but we did. And how I ever lived without the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent"? I don't know, but I did!

Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.

See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!

The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.

So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.

The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.

The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.

Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.

The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.

So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.

I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.

Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.

complacency

complacent [kuhm-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.

pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied

Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.

Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.

But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.

I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).

So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.

Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.

So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).

Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.

I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.

So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.

Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)

So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)

christmas spirit

Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.

I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.

I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.

The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.

In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.

It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).

That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.

(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)