Gosh, it has been forever since I have written! I guess the holidays just got the best of me - busy at work, busy at home, dealing with crappy weather, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, all I can say is that I am SLACKING. Yep, slacking ... resting on my laurels.
It's all just a balancing act really - the pain of my disease on the one side, and the pain of recovery on the other. When the pain of my disease gets bad enough, then I'm willing to face the pain of recovery. And make no mistake about it - the recovery part really can be painful! If it weren't, it would be really, really easy to simply be recovered. The problem is, I lack some of those basic skills needed to reside in this place called life without suffering pain. Thus, I retreat, which is where my disease can find me and start poking at me like a pesky, annoying, bratty little brother. (Can you feel this? Can you feel this?? Can you feel this??? How 'bout this????)
Then I've got that perfectionist in me that just wants to know when I'm going to GET IT and move the heck on. It's the perfectionist in me that starts nagging that I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing enough, I suck, etc. I tell ya, that almighty holier-than-thou perfectionist in me is a real pill! She expects me to always get things right and do things perfectly, and she expects everyone else to always get things right and do things perfectly, and always on the first try no less! Oh-so-critical! Frankly, I'm surprised she can even stand herself, being so intolerant, unaccepting and full of conceit.
But, despite all of the nagging to the contrary, I don't think that the perfectionist really likes recovery. For starters, it is not always pretty or neat, and it is certainly never perfect! Often I find myself uncomfortable in recovery - having to talk about things I don't want to talk about, feel things I don't want to feel, look at things I don't want to look at ... it's not pretty. Recovery is all about living in the imperfections of myself - seeing them, admitting them, and working on trying to make them better, all the while knowing that another thing to work on is always right around the corner. Unfortunately, the perfectionist is never satisfied with mere progress, and yet progress is really the best that recovery has to offer. Being O.K. with mere progress is where I find the greatest peace.
So I'm babbling, I realize ... I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to just start writing again probably. My higher power these days is simply "program," and I don't think I've been very effective at truly turning my will and my life over to program. Part of it, I believe, is because my perfectionist has taken over a tad, and since there is no such thing as "good enough", why bother at all? I know that's not logical, but as established above, the perfectionist is not particularly logical.
Part of it too, I think, is that I've been rather distracted by all these other things in my life - health issues, work issues, home issues ... you know, all those things that get in the way of recovery because I'm living my life ... all those things I wouldn't have at all if it weren't for my recovery ...
But sometimes I miss those exciting days of first coming to program ... when admitting there's a problem is the biggest, newest thing ever ... when reading step 1 is "all new" ... when doing it forever is the scariest thing ever and the phrase "one day at a time" is the only thing that can get you through (or one hour, one minute, one second - whatever the situation may call for).
Except that going back to that time for me would require going back to a time when I didn't believe, and didn't know if I could believe, in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. That was a particularly sucky time because I thought that the only way was if I believed in something that I just didn't believe in, and all the pretending in the world was not making me any more sane!
I never had a problem with whether there is a power greater than me, nor did I have a problem with the idea that I needed to be restored to sanity. It was reconciling those two things that I had difficulty with - those things that I perceived as powers "greater than I" were not things that could restore me to sanity. Struggling through all of that seemed so hard at the time, but in hindsight, so much better than the afterward. In the afterward, when I know what it is that I need to be doing, getting myself to actually do it seems to be even harder.
Perhaps I've reached that point where I've realized that, while "one day at a time" is a helpful way to think of things, it doesn't change the fact that it is still really forever and ever and ever. And all of the dramatics that came with questioning what most other people's notion of a higher power is ... those have actually gone away as I've come to peace with what works for me (and perhaps more importantly, what works for them).
But then the real work sets in ... the monotonous, day-in, day-out work of trying to really live a program of recovery. Sometimes I think that I'd really rather just be a jerk - I don't want to be a better person, I don't want to keep working on my own stuff, and by all means, I really don't want to have to be kind, considerate and compassionate ... can't I just suck for awhile and be O.K. with that???
Then I realize that I've got plenty of that sucking even while trying really hard to live a principled life, so doing it intentionally isn't exactly a workable plan.
Anyway ... I'm still here ... :)
Showing posts with label hp concepts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hp concepts. Show all posts
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, November 2, 2009
autonomously, with harmony
The Fourth Tradition:
One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.
My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.
But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.
I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.
The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."
Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).
Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???
This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.
Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.
I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.
However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.
And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.
Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.
Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.I find that there are four prongs to the fourth tradition ... 1) I have to be autonomous; 2) I have to let other people be autonomous; 3) In my autonomy, I can't go so far as to affect the group as a whole; and 4) In letting other people be autonomous, I have a duty to speak up when their autonomy is affecting the group as a whole (affecting the group as a whole, not just me - see #2).
One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.
My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.
But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.
I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.
The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."
Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).
Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???
This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.
Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.
I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.
However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.
And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.
Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.
Friday, October 23, 2009
one year anniversary ... albeit a little late
So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
Friday, October 16, 2009
long overdue
I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
mary poppins
Well, my tests came back ... "practically perfect in every way." I have always tested well though. The one thing that was slightly off was my thyroid, so I started some new meds on Friday which may or may not be the miracle cure I'm needing. Here's hoping for "may"! But at least the long weekend gave me some much needed rest.
I had a sponsee ask me this weekend, "how do you take step 3?" She understood it conceptually, but struggled in its application. I told her that it's difficult to really put it into words, but the best way for me to describe how I do it is to apply it to specific situations, like I do with the serenity prayer (identifying the things I cannot change, identifying the things I can, and then taking action towards changing what I can and accepting what I cannot). We talked about various decisions she is faced with each day and how she can pause and ask herself before any of them, "what would God want me to do?"
I suggested possibly posting sticky notes in various places to remind her - in the car, "how would God want me to drive?" At work, "how would God want me to handle this?" She recognized that when she bothered to consult, she almost always knew what the answer was - the difficult part is remembering to consult! Slowing down or stopping long enough to even think about the options.
Of course I don't have a God with a preference of what I should or should not do - no "body" for me to ask what to do. So for me, I look inside, towards my conscience or my inner wiseguy, for direction. What's the best direction to go? What should I do? Better yet, I can ask "what would a healthy, sane person do?" or "what would a recovered person do?" The key to step 3 is remembering to ask - making it a habit to pause before acting. And I know that when I sincerely pause and consult, I know what the right answer is. Usually. On the rare occasion that I don't, then I've learned that the answer is "I don't have to decide yet." No answer is the answer!
I must say, I love sponsoring. Even when I hate it, I still love it. It keeps me connected to program and it keeps me in the steps and in recovery.
I had a sponsee ask me this weekend, "how do you take step 3?" She understood it conceptually, but struggled in its application. I told her that it's difficult to really put it into words, but the best way for me to describe how I do it is to apply it to specific situations, like I do with the serenity prayer (identifying the things I cannot change, identifying the things I can, and then taking action towards changing what I can and accepting what I cannot). We talked about various decisions she is faced with each day and how she can pause and ask herself before any of them, "what would God want me to do?"
I suggested possibly posting sticky notes in various places to remind her - in the car, "how would God want me to drive?" At work, "how would God want me to handle this?" She recognized that when she bothered to consult, she almost always knew what the answer was - the difficult part is remembering to consult! Slowing down or stopping long enough to even think about the options.
Of course I don't have a God with a preference of what I should or should not do - no "body" for me to ask what to do. So for me, I look inside, towards my conscience or my inner wiseguy, for direction. What's the best direction to go? What should I do? Better yet, I can ask "what would a healthy, sane person do?" or "what would a recovered person do?" The key to step 3 is remembering to ask - making it a habit to pause before acting. And I know that when I sincerely pause and consult, I know what the right answer is. Usually. On the rare occasion that I don't, then I've learned that the answer is "I don't have to decide yet." No answer is the answer!
I must say, I love sponsoring. Even when I hate it, I still love it. It keeps me connected to program and it keeps me in the steps and in recovery.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
finding my voice
Estoy aqui!!!
(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)
Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...
I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)
Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.
Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!
So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).
I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???
But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...
This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:
But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.
Tradition 2 says:
So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.
What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!
But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.
It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.
I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.
It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.
Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!
(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)
Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...
I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)
Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.
Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!
So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).
I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???
But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...
This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:
Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").
But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.
Tradition 2 says:
For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)
So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.
What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!
But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.
It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.
I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.
It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.
Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!
Monday, May 18, 2009
oldies but goodies
Once again, missing, missing, missing.
I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.
Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.
I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:
1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.
I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.
I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.
There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.
And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.
I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.
So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.
I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.
Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.
I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:
1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.
I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.
I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.
There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.
And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.
I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.
So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
open minds
So I started reading "Living Sober" this morning (an AA book), with my new-found commitment to reconnecting with program. I know there are some agnostic meetings in New York that use this book for their meetings, so I purchased it awhile ago but haven't spent much time with it since.
It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?
Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!
Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.
But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.
It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).
I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.
That's all I got for today folks.
It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?
Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!
Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.
But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.
It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).
I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.
That's all I got for today folks.
Monday, April 20, 2009
all or nothing
I actually started this quite awhile ago, but apparently never finished it and posted it. Despite my general lack of required destination Monday through Friday between 8am and 6pm, my posting has nonetheless been very sparse! So I will just finish what I started for today, and make valiant efforts to be more present in the days to come. (Haven't I said that before???)
I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:
“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)
It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.
Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."
So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...
I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?
I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!
But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!
See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.
I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.
I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:
“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)
It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.
Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."
So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...
I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?
I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!
But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!
See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.
I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
some more higher power stuff
I've been reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, which for those who do not know, is a father's story about his son addiction to meth. It is a great book I think - the perfect mix of drama and information. The author is also a journalist and the book started from an article he wrote for the New York Times Magazine that drew a ton of response from his readers. Because of his journalistic background, a large component of how he dealt with his son's addiction was to research meth and addiction in general. (This happens to be how I deal with challenges in my life - learn all I can about them - surely one can conquer all with sheer knowledge!) So as you read the book, you learn his story, but you also learn a tremendous amount about meth specifically, as well as addiction and the co-dependent/enabling side of addiction.
I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:
I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."
In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.
I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:
I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.
I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:
"[K]ey ethical principles we all share as human beings, such as compassion, tolerance, a sense of caring, consideration of others, and the responsible use of knowledge and power - principles that transcend the barriers between religious believers and non-believers, and followers of this religion or that religion."To the author, it is those principles listed that are his higher power. But he also tells of his father's concept of a higher power as "the 'still small voice' inside us - our consciences."
I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."
In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.
I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:
1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.I have always been fond of this writing, although this is the first time that I've connected #4 with the word "conscience." I definitely related to #2, although rather than "fellowship", I think of the steps/traditions/principles of the program as my higher power. And I also related to #3, as I have considered before that perhaps "God" was just that goodness that seems to exist in and come out of people. I see it most evidently in the face of great tragedy, like 9/11 (where people drove all night to volunteer in the rescue operations and blood donations were at an all time high) or Hurricane Katrina (where people donated trucks filled with bottled water and communities "adopted" victims to help re-establish their lives). But I have also seen smaller examples of it, such as when someone offers to assist an elderly woman across the street, or if you lose your wallet and it is turned in with all money and credit cards still inside. It's fascinating to me to read this article again today, after having found David Sheff's father's concept of a higher power, and finding myself relating to #4.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.
I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.
Monday, February 9, 2009
action
I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."
Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).
Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.
Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.
Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.
Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).
Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.
Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.
Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.
Friday, December 19, 2008
christmas spirit
Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
planned disappointments
I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
pray-er
What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
individual practice plan
So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
oh great murphy!
I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
Monday, October 27, 2008
what would jesus say???
My goodness - I just spent some 15 minutes of so deleting off a bunch of jesus vomit comments from my blog. It's so strange to me - I do not understand christian fanatical types. I grew up in a baptist home (thankfully NOT fanatical) so I know all the lingo and I know all the "rules", etc., and I just have to wonder whether these people realize that they do so much more harm to their cause than good? Assuming only for the sake of argument that they are right in their beliefs, what good comes from approaching people in a crazy fanatical way? What good comes from blasting people with overly zealous confrontational bible babble? What would jesus say to a person who did nothing but scare off people from "his message"? When that person comes before God at the pearly gates and God says, "Where's your common sense? You did nothing but chase people away!" What then would that person say then?
Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.
And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.
I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.
This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.
Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.
So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!
Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.
And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.
I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.
This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.
Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.
So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!
Friday, October 17, 2008
quandaries
So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
<
My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
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