finding my voice

Estoy aqui!!!

(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)

Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...

I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)

Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.

Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!

So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).

I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???

But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...

This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").

But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.

Tradition 2 says:

For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)

So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.

What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!

But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.

It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.

I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.

Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!

survival of the fittest

O.K. - I tried to put some labels on my prior posts, so hopefully that will help in the future when trying to find posts on a particular topic. It's hard to know what the topics should be so as to be most useful in the future though, so I tried to keep it to specific steps, traditions, character defects and higher power related things. I will probably have to revise those as I go, I'm sure, so we'll see.

For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?

For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?

I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.

So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.

The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."

My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.

My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.

My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.

The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!

I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.

I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.

Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!

That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)

complacency

complacent [kuhm-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.

pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied

Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.

Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.

But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.

I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).

So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.

Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.

So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).

Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.

I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.

So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.

Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)

So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)