I apologize for being m.i.a. for so long ... I've had the urge to write a few times, but not the time when those urges hit, and when I had the time, I had no urge. My life's a-changin' these days! I got laid off from my job 2 weeks ago, and since then, I've been going through the internal dramas of trying to decide what I should do next, what I want to do next and what I can do next, knowing all the while that those 3 things may not be congruous. I can't even find continuity within my shoulds, wants and cans.
Times like these make me wish that I just had a standard belief in a deity-type higher power. I hear things like, "God always has a plan" and "God won't give you more than you can handle" and "God will take care of you." I wish that those were things that I believed, because if I did, that would give me great comfort! How nice it would be to believe that I lost my job because God has a plan for me to get a better one just up the road or one that will give me more personal satisfaction or one in which I will make great contributions to this world beyond what I can even comprehend. That would indeed be very comforting! It would be nice to believe that God is just dishing out problems to everyone and the dish I was served is definitely NOT beyond my handling capabilities. That also would be very comforting! And I would love to believe that God will take care of me - that the bills will be paid, and my employment status will be resolved somehow in a way that will not harm me or those to whom I'm responsible or those whom I love. To believe those things!!! It would definitely make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And comfortable ... why would I have a care in the world if I knew those things to be true???
But I don't. I simply do not believe that there is some greater purpose to me having to find a new job. I don't believe that there is any reason I lost my job other than the fact that my employer was looking to save money in today's economy and I was just expendable enough to make my salary optional. I don't believe that the world is a great big puzzle or chess game, in which my employment status is nothing more than a move by some deity that's secretly making the world a better place, one chess piece at a time.
For starters, such a belief completely eliminates the idea of free will. If everything is always based on some great big plan, then why would I ever need to do anything? What would be the point? If the plan is going to happen regardless of my actions, then no matter what I do, the result will be the same. But we all know that isn't true - if I never stepped out of my house again, I'm not going to magically receive a paycheck from an unknown employer who is so happy to have me on staff that I don't even need to show up to collect my pay, let alone earn it. So obviously my actions have impact on this great plan. But if my actions have impact on the plan, then how is it that it's God's plan? How can there be a "plan" if anyone and everyone can undo it and change it at any point in time, without any say by God? That doesn't make for much of a plan! (Nor does it make for much of a powerful God!) What if God has a plan for me to work for a particular person and solve world hunger, except this person's in a crap mood today and decides not to hire me. Does that one person actually have the power to undo God's plan for me and world hunger? And if so, how powerful is God if this other random person can prevent God's plan from happening???
To me, saying "God has a plan" is just a way of wiping away any concern or worry by suggesting that there is some great reason for what happened - you should feel good about it because there is an important, albeit unknown, reason for it to have happened. Personally, I think it is more about what you do with what happens that makes a difference - instead of "everything happens for a reason", I believe it's "everything happens, and what we do with it creates the reason for why it happened."
There are lots of things I can do at this point ... kind of like a "choose your own adventure" book. I can job hunt and find a new job ... this can be a job similar to what I had before or it can be something totally different. I might find something or I might not. I might like it or I might not. I could also lose whatever job I find, just like I lost my last one. Or, I can decide to go into business for myself, and I may or may not succeed at it and I may or may not like it. I might like it and still not be able to succeed, or I might succeed and yet not like it at all.
Being an addict, I want to know the results before I put in any efforts so I know that what I'm doing is worth while. I want to know what I'm going to get! And I want to be able to do things and be right - i.e. I want to go into business for myself only if I know that I can do it successfully and will enjoy it! I don't want to go into business for myself only to learn that I hate it or can't do it - that would be a total blow to my ego! Not to mention a waste of time. For addicts, we're all about the destination - the journey is a big pain in the ass. Except ... well, except that life isn't a destination. It's a journey. Regardless of whether that's what I want it to be, that's what it is.
That makes me think of the serenity prayer ...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Translated ... there is serenity in accepting the things I cannot change. There is courage in changing the things I can. And there is wisdom in knowing the difference (and choosing to act in a sane and healthy way - i.e. accepting what I can't change and changing what I can).
I don't believe that there is a deity that will grant me with serenity to accept things, especially only upon request, but I know that I will experience serenity if I accept things that are beyond my control. If I accept that I lost my job, that I don't have control over what my next job will be, that I can't determine ahead of time whether I can or will like going into business for myself ... if I accept these things, I will feel serene. I will feel serene simply because I will not be obsessing over the unchangeable, the fixed, the given. Failing to accept them only opens myself into a world of craziness. I may as well waste all my time and energy focusing on a rock trying to change it into a diamond, for all the good it will do me! It's pure logic - spending your time/energy on things you can't change is pointless, and thus, cannot lead to anything other than non-serenity. (Unless one feels a sense of serenity in craziness ... but that's another story I suppose ... bigger fish to fry in that case!)
So assuming that in fact I do not find serenity in craziness ... I am courageous if I change the things I can. The things I can change are making a decision - deciding whether I am willing to face my fears and try going into business for myself. Or, deciding if I want to apply for jobs and doing to footwork to get my resume in front of people. Those are things that I can do. I can also ask people for help, and network, and make myself of service to others when I am not working. Those are things that I can change, and when I do those things, in the face of my fears, I become a courageous person.
And I am wise when I take the time to figure out what I can change and what I can't, so that I can change what I need to and feel serene with what I cannot.
I'm not one to buy the saying that God won't give us what we can't handle ... as if to suggest that God gives some children horrific abuse experiences because they're strong enough to handle it, but another child, well, that one gets a beaver-ific childhood because he/she can't handle abuse? Or isn't deserving of a safe and healthy childhood? That logic makes no sense to me! And I think it suggests that bad things happen for a reason - either punishment for being strong, or punishment for being bad, or just to teach someone a lesson. Of course the alternative is to suggest that God doesn't have the power to prevent bad things from happening, which I think a lot of religious people find too unnerving. Except that truly, it's a difficult road to go down to start suggesting that God lets bad things happen to a person for one reason or another. But to believe that God only gives you things you can handle ... it's an inevitable journey following such a belief.
I think the intent behind saying that God won't give you something you can't handle is to simply say, you can handle whatever comes your way - you just have to find a way to get through it. Human beings are surprisingly resilient. The less you give us, the less we're willing to put up with, but it is truly amazing what some humans have been able to endure. And this is something that I can believe - that you can find a way to get through anything - it just takes acceptance, serenity, change, courage and wisdom. With those things, you can get through anything I believe. Accepting what you can't change, changing what you can, figuring out the difference ... that's how you face whatever comes your way.
So where does this leave me ... um ... in my character defect of fear, mostly. Fear of what's going to happen, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking bad, fear of not being good enough, fear of people finding out I'm a fraud, fear, fear, fear. And my knee-jerk response to fear is INACTION. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. But doing nothing gets me nowhere, which brings about more fear. So what's a girl to do??? I think my only option is to figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can, accept what I can't, and just see what happens. Repeat as necessary. When whatever happens happens, then I have to re-evaluate and figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can and accept what I can't. There is no end - it's just the journey of life. Destination is just a myth that I want to focus on in order to avoid the journey (a journey I'm scared of!). But pretending I'm not on a journey does nothing but make my journey about pretending it's not a journey. Not much of a story to tell in end. I can't avoid having a journey by pretending I'm not having one - I can only alter the journey. So I may as well accept that I'm on a journey and get on with it. Face the inevitable, and face the fear.
I'll try to stay better in touch ... not much excuse for not writing when one's not working, after all! Power to the unemployed!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
some more higher power stuff
I've been reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, which for those who do not know, is a father's story about his son addiction to meth. It is a great book I think - the perfect mix of drama and information. The author is also a journalist and the book started from an article he wrote for the New York Times Magazine that drew a ton of response from his readers. Because of his journalistic background, a large component of how he dealt with his son's addiction was to research meth and addiction in general. (This happens to be how I deal with challenges in my life - learn all I can about them - surely one can conquer all with sheer knowledge!) So as you read the book, you learn his story, but you also learn a tremendous amount about meth specifically, as well as addiction and the co-dependent/enabling side of addiction.
I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:
I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."
In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.
I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:
I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.
I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:
"[K]ey ethical principles we all share as human beings, such as compassion, tolerance, a sense of caring, consideration of others, and the responsible use of knowledge and power - principles that transcend the barriers between religious believers and non-believers, and followers of this religion or that religion."To the author, it is those principles listed that are his higher power. But he also tells of his father's concept of a higher power as "the 'still small voice' inside us - our consciences."
I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."
In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.
I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:
1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.I have always been fond of this writing, although this is the first time that I've connected #4 with the word "conscience." I definitely related to #2, although rather than "fellowship", I think of the steps/traditions/principles of the program as my higher power. And I also related to #3, as I have considered before that perhaps "God" was just that goodness that seems to exist in and come out of people. I see it most evidently in the face of great tragedy, like 9/11 (where people drove all night to volunteer in the rescue operations and blood donations were at an all time high) or Hurricane Katrina (where people donated trucks filled with bottled water and communities "adopted" victims to help re-establish their lives). But I have also seen smaller examples of it, such as when someone offers to assist an elderly woman across the street, or if you lose your wallet and it is turned in with all money and credit cards still inside. It's fascinating to me to read this article again today, after having found David Sheff's father's concept of a higher power, and finding myself relating to #4.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.
I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.
Friday, February 27, 2009
what if?
I read a blog this morning that talked about addicts being "beyond human aid" - that only God can change us, we cannot change us. It went on to say that in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work).
I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.
I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).
But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.
And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?
Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???
And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?
Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)
However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.
So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.
Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.
And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)
Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.
And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.
Happy Friday everyone!
I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.
I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).
But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.
And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?
Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???
And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?
Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)
However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.
So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.
Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.
And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)
Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.
And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.
Happy Friday everyone!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
roadmap from selfishness
I have been struggling with resentments. Resentments towards people who do nothing more than simply "drive me nuts" - they get in my way, they do things that annoy me, and they simply make life go a little less smoothly for me. Why is it that I somehow think I am entitled to a smooth life? Why is it that somehow I think I am entitled to never be annoyed, to always have things exactly the way I think they should be, when I think they should be, how I think they should be? Oh, that's right ... because I'm an addict and I'm riddled with selfishness and self-centeredness. That is the root of all my troubles!
Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).
Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?
But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)
I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.
So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?
Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.
But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!
God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!
Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).
The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.
Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!
I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.
So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!
Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*
Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.
"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.
"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.
"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.
*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*
(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)
So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!
Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!
This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.
Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.
The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.
Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).
Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?
But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)
I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.
So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?
Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.
But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!
God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!
Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).
The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.
Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!
I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.
So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!
Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*
Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.
"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.
"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.
"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.
*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*
(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)
So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!
Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!
This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.
Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.
The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
survival of the fittest
O.K. - I tried to put some labels on my prior posts, so hopefully that will help in the future when trying to find posts on a particular topic. It's hard to know what the topics should be so as to be most useful in the future though, so I tried to keep it to specific steps, traditions, character defects and higher power related things. I will probably have to revise those as I go, I'm sure, so we'll see.
For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?
For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?
I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.
So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.
The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."
My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.
My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.
My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.
The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!
I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.
I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.
Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!
That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)
For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?
For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?
I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.
So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.
The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."
My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.
My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.
My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.
The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!
I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.
I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.
Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!
That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)
Monday, February 9, 2009
action
I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."
Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).
Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.
Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.
Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.
Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).
Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.
Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.
Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
practice makes ... better
I can't remember if I wrote about this or not - I don't think I have - but forgive me if I'm being repetitive. Awhile back I read some stuff about the 4th step, which made me remember things that I have learned about the 4th step, which made me look at the 9th step in a whole new light. I'll explain.
I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).
Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.
Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.
But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.
I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?
Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.
If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.
It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*
I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).
Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.
Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.
But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.
I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?
Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.
If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.
It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
wheelbarrows
I have said, and I have had my sponsees say to me, that being held accountable is absolutely necessary for recovery. Sometimes I wonder if me trying to hold my sponsees accountable is the right thing to do - on the one hand, if they're going to recover, they need to find a way to do it without me harping on them to "do this" or "do that", but on the other hand, I know from my own experience that having to account to someone else for my actions makes me a thousand times more likely to actually take those actions. So perhaps the "resistance" that I sometimes feel when it comes to accountability stems more from an aversion to accountability than from an attitude of "encouraging independence."
I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!
So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.
Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.
When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.
(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.
(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.
I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).
Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!
The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.
So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.
But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!
Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).
And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.
See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.
I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!
So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.
Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.
When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.
(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.
(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.
I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).
Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!
The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.
So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.
But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!
Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).
And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.
See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
complacency
complacent [kuh
m-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.
pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied
Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.
Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.
But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.
I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).
So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.
Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.
So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).
Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.
I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.
So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.
Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)
So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)
m-pley-suhnt]–noun, plural -cies.
pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied
Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.
Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.
But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.
I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).
So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.
Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.
So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).
Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.
I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.
So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.
Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)
So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)
Friday, December 19, 2008
christmas spirit
Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
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