When I first started this blog, I had the high-paying owns-your-life kind of job, and if I recall correctly, my first Blackberry. I really, really like new technology, but I do tend to be just a tad behind the 8 ball in catching on - there were MANY already addicted to their Blackberries before I was just getting my first. But I loved having access to my email from my pocket! Now, couple of years later, couple of phones later, not only is my email in my pocket, but so is all the internet, you tube, my blog, any book I feel like getting on amazon, the library of Congress if I want ... all in my pocket and on my phone! Crazy, amazing and very entertaining. I love that I can actually do my blog from my phone. And I can read books on my phone. And I can price check items on my phone, and purchase the same item from another store that has it cheaper while still standing in the first store, on my phone. I wonder if there is an app that could send me to the moon... or someone else that I'm not too particularly fond of... I bet there is.
Anyway, so so so many other things have also changed too... it is amazing to me what technology brings to my life. Gone are the days when I have to be at my TV at a particular day or time to watch a show! Gone are the days of watching commercials unless I specifically want to. Gone are the days of having to wait until summer to find a repeat if you miss a show - I can just catch it online! In fact, gone are repeats in the summer at all for that matter! And life without caller ID?!?! I barely remember that.
But it's cool to me to look at how technology has affected my recovery. Blogs, online/email meetings, documents/study guides online, speakers online, twelve step Twitter, a Big Book on my kindle, Skype meetings... the list just goes on and on! But I have to avail myself to those things and be willing to try them and use them, because for every cool thing that can enhance my recovery, there's probably ten or more that will take away from it. Most importantly for me, I think, is to keep my recovery ever-evolving, just like technology is ever-evolving... just like my disease is ever-evolving! I have to keep things interesting, because I have a tendency to lose interest and wander away.
I'm reminded of the saying I've heard many times, which is something along the lines of, that which we focus on gets bigger. This is really shockingly true. If I focus on recovery-related things, I feel grounded and at peace. When I focus on the things that make me crazy and drive me nuts, it seems like that's all I have in my life. Today, I think I could use more of the former than the latter.
So I apologize if there are typos or if this doesn't flow so well... I'm typing on a 2x4 inch touch-screen and have been in a different area of my house pretty much for each paragraph I've written! But if it weren't for this fancy schmancy phone, I probably wouldn't have written at all today. Hats off to the technology!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
new look!
Gosh, I can't believe that it's been almost a year since I've posted anything. I don't know where I've been ... I don't feel like a whole lot has changed, but obviously writing has become a relatively small part of my life these days. So small, in fact, that it essentially has no part at all. I guess that's really how people leave program - just like we recover - one day at a time. Not that I've left program, because I most definitely have not, but I can guarantee that when I wrote my last post nearly a year ago, I didn't think it was going to be the last one for a year, nor did I make a decision at any point in time in the last year that I simply wasn't going to write anymore. I just didn't write. And I'm sure that people leave program all the time, never intending that last meeting to be the last. It makes me wonder though ... what else doesn't exist in my life today that I don't even realize doesn't exist? Makes me pause for thought, that's for sure!
So I come here and there's all these new things that have been added - new backgrounds available, etc., and I thought I'd try a few out. And then I started looking through many of the old blogs I used to read regularly - some are kept up, some are as old as mine. And then I start exploring links to links to links to links, and it occurs to me ... THAT Is probably why I stopped writing a year ago! I sure can get lost in reading blogs and posting on this one. I seem to have a profound inability to remain focused these days.
But I am here, and working on getting back to the writing ... more to come, hopefully.
So I come here and there's all these new things that have been added - new backgrounds available, etc., and I thought I'd try a few out. And then I started looking through many of the old blogs I used to read regularly - some are kept up, some are as old as mine. And then I start exploring links to links to links to links, and it occurs to me ... THAT Is probably why I stopped writing a year ago! I sure can get lost in reading blogs and posting on this one. I seem to have a profound inability to remain focused these days.
But I am here, and working on getting back to the writing ... more to come, hopefully.
Friday, March 5, 2010
ants
I get these free daily emails from Hazelden, which often I just delete without reading, but occasionally I do actually read them. Today, at the end, it said this:
"We are not mice in a maze, randomly pursuing paths for a reward of cheese. We are children of our Higher Power, guided towards our chosen goal through the many doors we open and close along the way. Have I learned there is a reason for everything in my life? Can I trust that my path has been prepared for me by my Higher Power?"
Ironically enough, right before reading this sentence, I had this image of a bunch of ants, roaming around in this gigantic garden, trying to carry various things back to their nest. They never know what they're going to bump into or what will get in their way, but when a tiny crumb drops in their path, which to them looks like Mount Everest, they just go around or go over or turn around and go elsewhere. They don't just stop and stare at this gigantic obstacle and ruminate, "why me? why me?!?!" And they don't need to assign some great, significant meaning to it either, about how something above must have really meant them to go over there instead, or that some greater good was served by their delay in arrival. They just move on - take what's in front of them and move on.
It occurred to me that such a life is a rather free life to live - no need to make great meaning out of various obstacles - just take what's in front of you and keep going. The mission is to move various objects from place A to place B. If something gets in the way, try something different. And while it can be somewhat comforting to create some grandiose meaning to everything I do, most of the time it really is just about moving various objects from place A to place B.
So then I read this thing from Hazelden about how we're NOT rats in a maze and I'm thinking, maybe not, but maybe we're ants, on an ant hill! And then I read about how there is always a reason for everything, and I think, no - I think we just like to find a reason for everything. This might just be my inner cynic talking, but really, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. That old saying "shit happens" has a lot of truth to it! I've never been able to stomach the idea that somewhere there is a majestic being that actually has some deep-seated reason for some kid to sit and starve in a third world country while another kid sits in Los Angeles watching Nickelodeon and drinking Yoo-hoo.
I do, however, think that psychologically, human beings like to have reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know whether there is just a sense of comfort that comes from an explanation, or maybe it is as simple as having something to focus our minds on while dealing with the shock or trauma from whatever bad event happened. Regardless, I find it much easier to stomach that finding reason for what happens can provide comfort, and as such, finding reasons for bad things is not bad.
Same goes for having a belief that my path has been pre-planned by my higher power. Honestly, if this is really true, then why bother doing anything? If it's set to be by a higher power, then it's going to be what it's going to be. To me it seems to be an excuse - another way of finding reason for everything, when in fact no reason could be found - "I guess it was just supposed to be this way." Why not just say "I guess this is just the way it is." Just as likely accurate, if not more so, I think.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to acceptance. You can either accept what is for what it is or not. I believe you will make yourself crazy if you do not. Any ant that refused to go around an obstacle would most assuredly end up dead. Acceptance is basic to survival, and we humans are unfortunate enough to actually have the option of whether to accept those things in our life (the great cosmic joke on us!). The longer I deny something or avoid something or pretend it's not happening, the longer I spend not living in reality, and I may as well be in a nut-ward for that.
Of course all of this is always easier to say than do ... acceptance is often something that I struggle with, particularly when it is something that I am "stuck" with that I don't particularly like. I can easily get drawn into the idea that if I complain long enough, refuse to accept long enough, that somehow it will make it "not so." The problem is, that all I do is prolong my misery. In fact, I make it worse because I make that misery a focal point in my life. And what I've learned more than anything is that saying I've accepted something when I haven't only makes it that much worse.
Today, I'm going to accept that I kind of do feel like an ant on an ant hill and I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm going to accept that I don't feel like some child of a higher power and that doesn't bother me. I'm also going to accept that lots of people DO believe this, and it does not have to be my personal mission to try to sway their beliefs. None of these things are bad things, and while I sometimes feel like I am all alone in my beliefs (within my immediate world - those people that I interact with on a daily basis), I can be O.K. with that. Sometimes it is nice not to have a reason for everything and to just enjoy the monotony.
Sorry for the ramble - I don't know where it came from or really what meaning it has, but I've been feeling quite dry in the writing arena for awhile now and thought I would just start typing to see what would come out.
"We are not mice in a maze, randomly pursuing paths for a reward of cheese. We are children of our Higher Power, guided towards our chosen goal through the many doors we open and close along the way. Have I learned there is a reason for everything in my life? Can I trust that my path has been prepared for me by my Higher Power?"
Ironically enough, right before reading this sentence, I had this image of a bunch of ants, roaming around in this gigantic garden, trying to carry various things back to their nest. They never know what they're going to bump into or what will get in their way, but when a tiny crumb drops in their path, which to them looks like Mount Everest, they just go around or go over or turn around and go elsewhere. They don't just stop and stare at this gigantic obstacle and ruminate, "why me? why me?!?!" And they don't need to assign some great, significant meaning to it either, about how something above must have really meant them to go over there instead, or that some greater good was served by their delay in arrival. They just move on - take what's in front of them and move on.
It occurred to me that such a life is a rather free life to live - no need to make great meaning out of various obstacles - just take what's in front of you and keep going. The mission is to move various objects from place A to place B. If something gets in the way, try something different. And while it can be somewhat comforting to create some grandiose meaning to everything I do, most of the time it really is just about moving various objects from place A to place B.
So then I read this thing from Hazelden about how we're NOT rats in a maze and I'm thinking, maybe not, but maybe we're ants, on an ant hill! And then I read about how there is always a reason for everything, and I think, no - I think we just like to find a reason for everything. This might just be my inner cynic talking, but really, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. That old saying "shit happens" has a lot of truth to it! I've never been able to stomach the idea that somewhere there is a majestic being that actually has some deep-seated reason for some kid to sit and starve in a third world country while another kid sits in Los Angeles watching Nickelodeon and drinking Yoo-hoo.
I do, however, think that psychologically, human beings like to have reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know whether there is just a sense of comfort that comes from an explanation, or maybe it is as simple as having something to focus our minds on while dealing with the shock or trauma from whatever bad event happened. Regardless, I find it much easier to stomach that finding reason for what happens can provide comfort, and as such, finding reasons for bad things is not bad.
Same goes for having a belief that my path has been pre-planned by my higher power. Honestly, if this is really true, then why bother doing anything? If it's set to be by a higher power, then it's going to be what it's going to be. To me it seems to be an excuse - another way of finding reason for everything, when in fact no reason could be found - "I guess it was just supposed to be this way." Why not just say "I guess this is just the way it is." Just as likely accurate, if not more so, I think.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to acceptance. You can either accept what is for what it is or not. I believe you will make yourself crazy if you do not. Any ant that refused to go around an obstacle would most assuredly end up dead. Acceptance is basic to survival, and we humans are unfortunate enough to actually have the option of whether to accept those things in our life (the great cosmic joke on us!). The longer I deny something or avoid something or pretend it's not happening, the longer I spend not living in reality, and I may as well be in a nut-ward for that.
Of course all of this is always easier to say than do ... acceptance is often something that I struggle with, particularly when it is something that I am "stuck" with that I don't particularly like. I can easily get drawn into the idea that if I complain long enough, refuse to accept long enough, that somehow it will make it "not so." The problem is, that all I do is prolong my misery. In fact, I make it worse because I make that misery a focal point in my life. And what I've learned more than anything is that saying I've accepted something when I haven't only makes it that much worse.
Today, I'm going to accept that I kind of do feel like an ant on an ant hill and I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm going to accept that I don't feel like some child of a higher power and that doesn't bother me. I'm also going to accept that lots of people DO believe this, and it does not have to be my personal mission to try to sway their beliefs. None of these things are bad things, and while I sometimes feel like I am all alone in my beliefs (within my immediate world - those people that I interact with on a daily basis), I can be O.K. with that. Sometimes it is nice not to have a reason for everything and to just enjoy the monotony.
Sorry for the ramble - I don't know where it came from or really what meaning it has, but I've been feeling quite dry in the writing arena for awhile now and thought I would just start typing to see what would come out.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
playing poker
I read something interesting about character defects that made me think - it was a someone's story about how they had practiced step 6 and 7. They had written on poker chips all of their identified character defects and every day they would pull one out of a bag (or bowl - I forget which) and focus on working on that character defect that day. When I read this, I thought, "what a great idea!"
Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.
***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***
or
***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***
(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)
I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.
For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.
The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??
And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???
I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:
• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.
Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.
None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.
At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.
Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.
Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.
***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***
or
***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***
(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)
I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.
For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.
The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??
And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???
I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:
• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.
Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.
None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.
At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.
Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
long overdue
Gosh, it has been forever since I have written! I guess the holidays just got the best of me - busy at work, busy at home, dealing with crappy weather, blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, all I can say is that I am SLACKING. Yep, slacking ... resting on my laurels.
It's all just a balancing act really - the pain of my disease on the one side, and the pain of recovery on the other. When the pain of my disease gets bad enough, then I'm willing to face the pain of recovery. And make no mistake about it - the recovery part really can be painful! If it weren't, it would be really, really easy to simply be recovered. The problem is, I lack some of those basic skills needed to reside in this place called life without suffering pain. Thus, I retreat, which is where my disease can find me and start poking at me like a pesky, annoying, bratty little brother. (Can you feel this? Can you feel this?? Can you feel this??? How 'bout this????)
Then I've got that perfectionist in me that just wants to know when I'm going to GET IT and move the heck on. It's the perfectionist in me that starts nagging that I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing enough, I suck, etc. I tell ya, that almighty holier-than-thou perfectionist in me is a real pill! She expects me to always get things right and do things perfectly, and she expects everyone else to always get things right and do things perfectly, and always on the first try no less! Oh-so-critical! Frankly, I'm surprised she can even stand herself, being so intolerant, unaccepting and full of conceit.
But, despite all of the nagging to the contrary, I don't think that the perfectionist really likes recovery. For starters, it is not always pretty or neat, and it is certainly never perfect! Often I find myself uncomfortable in recovery - having to talk about things I don't want to talk about, feel things I don't want to feel, look at things I don't want to look at ... it's not pretty. Recovery is all about living in the imperfections of myself - seeing them, admitting them, and working on trying to make them better, all the while knowing that another thing to work on is always right around the corner. Unfortunately, the perfectionist is never satisfied with mere progress, and yet progress is really the best that recovery has to offer. Being O.K. with mere progress is where I find the greatest peace.
So I'm babbling, I realize ... I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to just start writing again probably. My higher power these days is simply "program," and I don't think I've been very effective at truly turning my will and my life over to program. Part of it, I believe, is because my perfectionist has taken over a tad, and since there is no such thing as "good enough", why bother at all? I know that's not logical, but as established above, the perfectionist is not particularly logical.
Part of it too, I think, is that I've been rather distracted by all these other things in my life - health issues, work issues, home issues ... you know, all those things that get in the way of recovery because I'm living my life ... all those things I wouldn't have at all if it weren't for my recovery ...
But sometimes I miss those exciting days of first coming to program ... when admitting there's a problem is the biggest, newest thing ever ... when reading step 1 is "all new" ... when doing it forever is the scariest thing ever and the phrase "one day at a time" is the only thing that can get you through (or one hour, one minute, one second - whatever the situation may call for).
Except that going back to that time for me would require going back to a time when I didn't believe, and didn't know if I could believe, in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. That was a particularly sucky time because I thought that the only way was if I believed in something that I just didn't believe in, and all the pretending in the world was not making me any more sane!
I never had a problem with whether there is a power greater than me, nor did I have a problem with the idea that I needed to be restored to sanity. It was reconciling those two things that I had difficulty with - those things that I perceived as powers "greater than I" were not things that could restore me to sanity. Struggling through all of that seemed so hard at the time, but in hindsight, so much better than the afterward. In the afterward, when I know what it is that I need to be doing, getting myself to actually do it seems to be even harder.
Perhaps I've reached that point where I've realized that, while "one day at a time" is a helpful way to think of things, it doesn't change the fact that it is still really forever and ever and ever. And all of the dramatics that came with questioning what most other people's notion of a higher power is ... those have actually gone away as I've come to peace with what works for me (and perhaps more importantly, what works for them).
But then the real work sets in ... the monotonous, day-in, day-out work of trying to really live a program of recovery. Sometimes I think that I'd really rather just be a jerk - I don't want to be a better person, I don't want to keep working on my own stuff, and by all means, I really don't want to have to be kind, considerate and compassionate ... can't I just suck for awhile and be O.K. with that???
Then I realize that I've got plenty of that sucking even while trying really hard to live a principled life, so doing it intentionally isn't exactly a workable plan.
Anyway ... I'm still here ... :)
It's all just a balancing act really - the pain of my disease on the one side, and the pain of recovery on the other. When the pain of my disease gets bad enough, then I'm willing to face the pain of recovery. And make no mistake about it - the recovery part really can be painful! If it weren't, it would be really, really easy to simply be recovered. The problem is, I lack some of those basic skills needed to reside in this place called life without suffering pain. Thus, I retreat, which is where my disease can find me and start poking at me like a pesky, annoying, bratty little brother. (Can you feel this? Can you feel this?? Can you feel this??? How 'bout this????)
Then I've got that perfectionist in me that just wants to know when I'm going to GET IT and move the heck on. It's the perfectionist in me that starts nagging that I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing enough, I suck, etc. I tell ya, that almighty holier-than-thou perfectionist in me is a real pill! She expects me to always get things right and do things perfectly, and she expects everyone else to always get things right and do things perfectly, and always on the first try no less! Oh-so-critical! Frankly, I'm surprised she can even stand herself, being so intolerant, unaccepting and full of conceit.
But, despite all of the nagging to the contrary, I don't think that the perfectionist really likes recovery. For starters, it is not always pretty or neat, and it is certainly never perfect! Often I find myself uncomfortable in recovery - having to talk about things I don't want to talk about, feel things I don't want to feel, look at things I don't want to look at ... it's not pretty. Recovery is all about living in the imperfections of myself - seeing them, admitting them, and working on trying to make them better, all the while knowing that another thing to work on is always right around the corner. Unfortunately, the perfectionist is never satisfied with mere progress, and yet progress is really the best that recovery has to offer. Being O.K. with mere progress is where I find the greatest peace.
So I'm babbling, I realize ... I don't know what the point of this post is, other than to just start writing again probably. My higher power these days is simply "program," and I don't think I've been very effective at truly turning my will and my life over to program. Part of it, I believe, is because my perfectionist has taken over a tad, and since there is no such thing as "good enough", why bother at all? I know that's not logical, but as established above, the perfectionist is not particularly logical.
Part of it too, I think, is that I've been rather distracted by all these other things in my life - health issues, work issues, home issues ... you know, all those things that get in the way of recovery because I'm living my life ... all those things I wouldn't have at all if it weren't for my recovery ...
But sometimes I miss those exciting days of first coming to program ... when admitting there's a problem is the biggest, newest thing ever ... when reading step 1 is "all new" ... when doing it forever is the scariest thing ever and the phrase "one day at a time" is the only thing that can get you through (or one hour, one minute, one second - whatever the situation may call for).
Except that going back to that time for me would require going back to a time when I didn't believe, and didn't know if I could believe, in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. That was a particularly sucky time because I thought that the only way was if I believed in something that I just didn't believe in, and all the pretending in the world was not making me any more sane!
I never had a problem with whether there is a power greater than me, nor did I have a problem with the idea that I needed to be restored to sanity. It was reconciling those two things that I had difficulty with - those things that I perceived as powers "greater than I" were not things that could restore me to sanity. Struggling through all of that seemed so hard at the time, but in hindsight, so much better than the afterward. In the afterward, when I know what it is that I need to be doing, getting myself to actually do it seems to be even harder.
Perhaps I've reached that point where I've realized that, while "one day at a time" is a helpful way to think of things, it doesn't change the fact that it is still really forever and ever and ever. And all of the dramatics that came with questioning what most other people's notion of a higher power is ... those have actually gone away as I've come to peace with what works for me (and perhaps more importantly, what works for them).
But then the real work sets in ... the monotonous, day-in, day-out work of trying to really live a program of recovery. Sometimes I think that I'd really rather just be a jerk - I don't want to be a better person, I don't want to keep working on my own stuff, and by all means, I really don't want to have to be kind, considerate and compassionate ... can't I just suck for awhile and be O.K. with that???
Then I realize that I've got plenty of that sucking even while trying really hard to live a principled life, so doing it intentionally isn't exactly a workable plan.
Anyway ... I'm still here ... :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
more inventory
I have noticed that attending any event or meeting that requires a good amount of translation for me, especially if I am particularly tired, always leaves me feeling ... overwhelmed. Sad, even. I don't begrudge any believer his or her beliefs, but I just wish that there were more people around me with similar beliefs (i.e. non-beliefs) to mine. It would be nice to have someone to direct my questions to who has already been through this and/or figured it all out already. But I know that it is the "figuring out" that makes my program stronger. [\whine]
So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.
A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.
On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.
Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."
One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.
Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!
Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.
But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!
Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).
At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.
That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!
Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.
For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.
For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.
For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.
For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.
For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.
For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.
And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.
So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.
A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.
On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.
Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."
One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.
Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!
Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.
But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!
Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).
At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.
That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!
Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.
For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.
For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.
For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.
For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.
For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.
For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.
And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
inventory
I've been doing a lot of research on inventory lately - reading, listening to speakers about it, etc. I know what a critical part of recovery and program it is. Without inventory, I simply cannot be honest, because the disease in my head keeps me from it. The ONLY way for me to truly be free is to took inside myself, write it down, and admit it to someone else. That's what the Big Book tells me, and that's what my experience tells me. I have been amazed in the past, and will probably continue to be amazed, at just how big, scarey and awful something can feel inside, and at just how small and insignificant that same something can feel when I've written it down on paper and admitted it to someone else. The tricky part is, getting it out on paper and telling someone, since it is still at the big/scary/awful phase when that has to happen.
I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.
Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.
Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.
Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.
Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.
Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.
But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!
My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)
So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.
Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.
The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.
So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.
I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.
I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.
Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.
Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.
Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.
Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.
Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.
But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!
My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)
So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.
Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.
The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.
So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.
I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.
Monday, November 2, 2009
autonomously, with harmony
The Fourth Tradition:
One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.
My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.
But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.
I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.
The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."
Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).
Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???
This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.
Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.
I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.
However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.
And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.
Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.
Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.I find that there are four prongs to the fourth tradition ... 1) I have to be autonomous; 2) I have to let other people be autonomous; 3) In my autonomy, I can't go so far as to affect the group as a whole; and 4) In letting other people be autonomous, I have a duty to speak up when their autonomy is affecting the group as a whole (affecting the group as a whole, not just me - see #2).
One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.
My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.
But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.
I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.
The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."
Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).
Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???
This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.
Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.
I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.
However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.
And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.
Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.
Friday, October 30, 2009
better than surviving
The retreat ... it went well. Much better than last year, for sure! At the beginning, the speaker asked us all to identify our intentions for the weekend. I had absolutely no idea! By that point, I was just happy to be arriving without dreading it. So I said that my intention was to know what my intentions are by the end of the weekend. That was the best I could come up with. But by the end of the weekend, I realized that my intention for the weekend was just to see where I was at - I had a vivid recollection of what last year's experience was, I had recognized what I had been working on for the last year, and I could finally put it all to the test.
Granted, this year's speaker was completely different than last year's and there was not the continuous religious undertones. Still, I always run into other people who are very religious, and there was sufficient information to have some idea of what the speaker's religious viewpoint was. (Nevermind that I am probably hypersensitive to religious undertones just because it can be quite a trigger for me.) But nonetheless, it didn't bother me at all. I was able to hear people's religious views, and even hear a story from the bible, and it did not bother me. I could actually see beyond the specific content of the story and get the bigger picture - the moral of the story, just as I would when I hear Little Red Riding Hood. It was actually great to see that everything I've worked on for the past year absolutely 100% works for me, and that I am exactly where I need to be. It felt really good to be able to see that with such clarity.
Interestingly enough, I didn't even realize that I was looking for or needing that kind of confirmation. Sometimes I do feel doubtful - about my program, about how I interpret things - that dreaded sense of "I'm doing it wrong!" It is easy to do - part of it is my perfectionism (always thinking I could do it better, or never being able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations). But another part of it is falling victim to comparing my insides to other people's outsides. When I see other people laughing and having a good ol' time, clearly (from my perspective) exceeding in their recovery goals, I start to think ... I don't feel like that! I'm not exuberant and manic and "filled with Christ's love" ... maybe I'm doing it wrong! Maybe I will truly never have what they have because I'm not willing to do what they do ...
And the insecurities creep in ...
Which only exacerbates the feelings, because then my recovery feels even more shakey, and everyone else's looks even more secure.
etc. etc. etc.
So without even realizing it, I was looking for some form of confirmation this year. And I got it.
Is my recovery perfect? Obviously not. But it's mine, and that is the best part about it. I'm not pretending to believe anything I don't really believe. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone or anything else to do stuff for me or to make me feel any particular way. When I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I can thankfully look right at myself and say "do something about it!" or "what do you expect when you do nothing?!?!?" How nice not to have to look up into the sky and never wonder or think, "why are You ignoring me?" or "why do You do for others what you won't do for me?"
The hardest part is when I have doubts - but I imagine that this is the same struggle that anyone would have, believer or non. How can it be any different to doubt God when you believe than it is to doubt not believing when you don't? As with everything else in program, our similarities far exceed our differences. But sometimes, like a chihuahua, I feel like I have such a teeny-tiny part in things - like I have to make a whole lot of noise in order to ever be noticed - like if my voice (as an agnostic) isn't heard, then it won't really exist. Do I worry that my nonbeliever will get trampled if the believers don't know I'm here???
GROWL!! BARK!! Stop using your religious words or I will get trampled and hurt! GROWL!! SNAP!! BARK!!
Validation seems to be what I want more than anything, and unless others accept and/or agree with my perspective of things, then I fear it has no value. Except the value is in what I receive and sometimes I forget that. I'm not a chihuahua in a pack of great danes, so I can probably put the claws and teeth away.
Granted, this year's speaker was completely different than last year's and there was not the continuous religious undertones. Still, I always run into other people who are very religious, and there was sufficient information to have some idea of what the speaker's religious viewpoint was. (Nevermind that I am probably hypersensitive to religious undertones just because it can be quite a trigger for me.) But nonetheless, it didn't bother me at all. I was able to hear people's religious views, and even hear a story from the bible, and it did not bother me. I could actually see beyond the specific content of the story and get the bigger picture - the moral of the story, just as I would when I hear Little Red Riding Hood. It was actually great to see that everything I've worked on for the past year absolutely 100% works for me, and that I am exactly where I need to be. It felt really good to be able to see that with such clarity.
Interestingly enough, I didn't even realize that I was looking for or needing that kind of confirmation. Sometimes I do feel doubtful - about my program, about how I interpret things - that dreaded sense of "I'm doing it wrong!" It is easy to do - part of it is my perfectionism (always thinking I could do it better, or never being able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations). But another part of it is falling victim to comparing my insides to other people's outsides. When I see other people laughing and having a good ol' time, clearly (from my perspective) exceeding in their recovery goals, I start to think ... I don't feel like that! I'm not exuberant and manic and "filled with Christ's love" ... maybe I'm doing it wrong! Maybe I will truly never have what they have because I'm not willing to do what they do ...
And the insecurities creep in ...
Which only exacerbates the feelings, because then my recovery feels even more shakey, and everyone else's looks even more secure.
etc. etc. etc.
So without even realizing it, I was looking for some form of confirmation this year. And I got it.
Is my recovery perfect? Obviously not. But it's mine, and that is the best part about it. I'm not pretending to believe anything I don't really believe. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone or anything else to do stuff for me or to make me feel any particular way. When I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I can thankfully look right at myself and say "do something about it!" or "what do you expect when you do nothing?!?!?" How nice not to have to look up into the sky and never wonder or think, "why are You ignoring me?" or "why do You do for others what you won't do for me?"
The hardest part is when I have doubts - but I imagine that this is the same struggle that anyone would have, believer or non. How can it be any different to doubt God when you believe than it is to doubt not believing when you don't? As with everything else in program, our similarities far exceed our differences. But sometimes, like a chihuahua, I feel like I have such a teeny-tiny part in things - like I have to make a whole lot of noise in order to ever be noticed - like if my voice (as an agnostic) isn't heard, then it won't really exist. Do I worry that my nonbeliever will get trampled if the believers don't know I'm here???
GROWL!! BARK!! Stop using your religious words or I will get trampled and hurt! GROWL!! SNAP!! BARK!!
Validation seems to be what I want more than anything, and unless others accept and/or agree with my perspective of things, then I fear it has no value. Except the value is in what I receive and sometimes I forget that. I'm not a chihuahua in a pack of great danes, so I can probably put the claws and teeth away.
Friday, October 23, 2009
one year anniversary ... albeit a little late
So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
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