one year anniversary ... albeit a little late

So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."

Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.

And what came from that???

I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.

Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.

In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)

But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."

It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.

Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!

Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!

So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.

And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)

Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)