I knew yesterday's short post was too good to be true! I never have that little to say!
So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.
And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.
This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.
This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)
So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
pray-er
What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
individual practice plan
So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
oh great murphy!
I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
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