playing poker

I read something interesting about character defects that made me think - it was a someone's story about how they had practiced step 6 and 7. They had written on poker chips all of their identified character defects and every day they would pull one out of a bag (or bowl - I forget which) and focus on working on that character defect that day. When I read this, I thought, "what a great idea!"

Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.

***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***

or

***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***

(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)

I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.

For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.

The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??

And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???

I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:

• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.

Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.

None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.

At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.

Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.

all or nothing

I actually started this quite awhile ago, but apparently never finished it and posted it. Despite my general lack of required destination Monday through Friday between 8am and 6pm, my posting has nonetheless been very sparse! So I will just finish what I started for today, and make valiant efforts to be more present in the days to come. (Haven't I said that before???)

I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:

“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)

It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.

Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."

So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...

I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?

I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!

But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!

See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.

I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.

some more higher power stuff

I've been reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, which for those who do not know, is a father's story about his son addiction to meth. It is a great book I think - the perfect mix of drama and information. The author is also a journalist and the book started from an article he wrote for the New York Times Magazine that drew a ton of response from his readers. Because of his journalistic background, a large component of how he dealt with his son's addiction was to research meth and addiction in general. (This happens to be how I deal with challenges in my life - learn all I can about them - surely one can conquer all with sheer knowledge!) So as you read the book, you learn his story, but you also learn a tremendous amount about meth specifically, as well as addiction and the co-dependent/enabling side of addiction.

I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:

"[K]ey ethical principles we all share as human beings, such as compassion, tolerance, a sense of caring, consideration of others, and the responsible use of knowledge and power - principles that transcend the barriers between religious believers and non-believers, and followers of this religion or that religion."

To the author, it is those principles listed that are his higher power. But he also tells of his father's concept of a higher power as "the 'still small voice' inside us - our consciences."

I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."

In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.

I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have always been fond of this writing, although this is the first time that I've connected #4 with the word "conscience." I definitely related to #2, although rather than "fellowship", I think of the steps/traditions/principles of the program as my higher power. And I also related to #3, as I have considered before that perhaps "God" was just that goodness that seems to exist in and come out of people. I see it most evidently in the face of great tragedy, like 9/11 (where people drove all night to volunteer in the rescue operations and blood donations were at an all time high) or Hurricane Katrina (where people donated trucks filled with bottled water and communities "adopted" victims to help re-establish their lives). But I have also seen smaller examples of it, such as when someone offers to assist an elderly woman across the street, or if you lose your wallet and it is turned in with all money and credit cards still inside. It's fascinating to me to read this article again today, after having found David Sheff's father's concept of a higher power, and finding myself relating to #4.

I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.

action

I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."

Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).

Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).

Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.

Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.

Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.

wheelbarrows

I have said, and I have had my sponsees say to me, that being held accountable is absolutely necessary for recovery. Sometimes I wonder if me trying to hold my sponsees accountable is the right thing to do - on the one hand, if they're going to recover, they need to find a way to do it without me harping on them to "do this" or "do that", but on the other hand, I know from my own experience that having to account to someone else for my actions makes me a thousand times more likely to actually take those actions. So perhaps the "resistance" that I sometimes feel when it comes to accountability stems more from an aversion to accountability than from an attitude of "encouraging independence."

I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!

So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.

Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.

When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.

(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.

(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.

I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).

Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!

The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.

So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.

But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!

Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).

And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.

See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.

addendum

I knew yesterday's short post was too good to be true! I never have that little to say!

So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.

And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.

This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.

This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)

So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!

pray-er

What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?

My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.

So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!

And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...

P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself

So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!

Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)

individual practice plan

So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)

It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.

A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!

Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.

Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:

"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"

"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"

"lacking material body or form or substance"

"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"

"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"

For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.

My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.

But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)

The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.

I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!

So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.