Sometimes I struggle with fears and insecurities, especially these days when faced with major career changes! But my fears and insecurities seem to have a bit of a personality disorder in that sometimes they are THERE, present and raging, and other times they are absolutely nowhere to be seen, and it's almost (almost) questionable whether they even exist. Bipolar fears maybe? Or maybe it's just the standard tendency of extremes that addicts often exhibit??? I'm sure.
So when I think about where my career might be headed, what I'm going to do with myself, how I'm going to pay the bills, sometimes I am filled with excitement and happiness - I can't wait to do this on my own, I can't wait to see where things go, I can't wait to get started, I'm just chomping at the bit to get going! And other times I wonder, what the f*&% am I doing?!?!?!?!?! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!!! And on any given day, I never know which side of the coin I'm going to be on. Sometimes I don't even have to wait until tomorrow for it to change because within the hour it can flip three or four times.
Now I tend to be someone who REALLY likes to have the right answer before doing or trying anything. I can make myself CRAZY trying to figure out what the right way to do something is before making a single decision. And usually my first response to any dilemma is to start with research. When faced with fears this morning, I started with research -- perusing a few recovery blogs I'm familiar with and looking for some postings on fear. I read people say that they are powerless over their fears and that they have to wait for their higher power to remove them. The particularly good writings (in my opinion) go on to say that in the meantime, they take action contrary to those fears.
Another person talked about faith being the answer to fears. Faith ... usually a trigger-word for me because I'm prejudiced against it based on its association with religion. So I looked up the word - a good starting point when I'm trying to translate. The definitions that made the most sense to me were 1) confidence or trust in a person or thing, and 2) belief that is not based on proof.
So if faith is a solution to my fears, then having confidence or trust in a person or thing is a solution to my fears; believing something without proof is a solution to my fears. How can I have faith with regard to my career situation? I can have confidence in me. I can trust me. I can believe that I can do this even if I don't have proof of that. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But I can also take it a step further, if I find that belief without proof is not plausible at the moment. I can have confidence in or trust those resources that I have in place - there are people I can talk to, from whom I can receive help if I ask. Perhaps I need to have confidence in them - trust them - to get me through this? Or maybe I can have confidence in myself or trust myself that, even if it doesn't work out, I will still be O.K. - I will find something else to do if necessary?
Of course, the more I write about faith, the more I think that the part about taking action is the essential component to combating my fears. When people say that they need to wait for God to remove a character defect and in the meantime, take action contrary to that character defect, I always wonder whether it ever occurs to that person that maybe, just maybe, it is the taking of the action that removes the character defect rather than God - that asking God to remove it is actually a non-essential part of the equation, and that taking the contrary action is what actually makes a difference. Of course it doesn't really matter -- if it works for them, great, and if I've figured out a way to make it work for me, even better. It's my hall monitor that wants to tell the other person that they're doing it all wrong and that it is my interpretation that is right. Oh, that pesky little hall monitor! Doesn't it know that nobody ever wants to be friends with the hall monitor??? At least, not for the right reasons.
Regardless, I can believe in myself all I want, I can believe in those who can help me, or I can simply believe without proof that I can do it ... but until I take some action, any action, that is contrary to my fears, I am stuck! I suppose I could have faith to the point of removing my fears, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like "thinking my way into right action" rather than "acting my way into right thinking", which my experience shows generally doesn't work. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to think my way into right action. I've always had to act first, and then the feelings changed later. My disease, on the other hand, tends to think first with actions to follow.
So after all this writing about what I can do about my fear and how I can face it in a "recovery" kind of way, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I just need to admit what my fear is, identify ONE thing I can do that is contrary to that fear, and JUST DO IT.
Hmmm. Do you suppose Nike would pay me for that plug??? Probably not - it's not particularly inspiring.
Basic Life Skills. Just do it.
Kind of makes you want to go climb a fourteener, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me neither.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
use it or lose it
I'm a sponsor - I've got three sponsees - and two of them actually got resentful at me (and admitted it to me) in the last couple of weeks for doing my sponsorly duties (i.e. calling them on their crap). What can I say? It kind of comes naturally to me, and I've got to hand it to both of them - it takes guts to literally subject your program to rigorous cross examination on a regular basis. So anyway, in my sponsorly way, I directed each of them to look inside themselves and find out what it was in them that was making them resentful at me.
But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.
Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.
So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.
But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.
And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)
Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."
So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.
And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.
Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.
But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.
Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.
So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.
But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.
And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)
Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."
So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.
And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.
Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
open minds
So I started reading "Living Sober" this morning (an AA book), with my new-found commitment to reconnecting with program. I know there are some agnostic meetings in New York that use this book for their meetings, so I purchased it awhile ago but haven't spent much time with it since.
It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?
Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!
Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.
But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.
It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).
I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.
That's all I got for today folks.
It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?
Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!
Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.
But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.
It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).
I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.
That's all I got for today folks.
Monday, April 20, 2009
comment moderation
I just wanted to apologize about having to turn on the comment moderation - I got targeted by a religious nut who started posting a ton of bible scriptures and "you're going to hell along with everyone else who is in A.A." type comments. The first time it happened to me, I just deleted them all after-the-fact. This time, I happened to be online when it started so I turned on the comment moderation, which seemed to substantially shorten the length and number of the comments posted, ending with a "burn in hell" (after discovering his comments weren't posting, I'm guessing - what happened to "turn the other cheek"???). I also deleted his first several posts from before I noticed what was going on, just to save everyone the headache of having to wade through all his crap.
As Pooh would say, Oh bother!
So, from here on out, any and all comments will be approved and posted a.s.a.p. unless a) you quote a bunch of bible verses, b) you repeatedly reference a certain little sunny spot often referred to as "hell" by those religious folks, or c) ... I have no c. I should have a c, but I don't. Maybe I'll come up with one later.
As Pooh would say, Oh bother!
So, from here on out, any and all comments will be approved and posted a.s.a.p. unless a) you quote a bunch of bible verses, b) you repeatedly reference a certain little sunny spot often referred to as "hell" by those religious folks, or c) ... I have no c. I should have a c, but I don't. Maybe I'll come up with one later.
all or nothing
I actually started this quite awhile ago, but apparently never finished it and posted it. Despite my general lack of required destination Monday through Friday between 8am and 6pm, my posting has nonetheless been very sparse! So I will just finish what I started for today, and make valiant efforts to be more present in the days to come. (Haven't I said that before???)
I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:
“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)
It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.
Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."
So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...
I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?
I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!
But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!
See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.
I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.
I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:
“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)
It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.
Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."
So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...
I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?
I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!
But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!
See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.
I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.
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