Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
planned disappointments
I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
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