The retreat ... it went well. Much better than last year, for sure! At the beginning, the speaker asked us all to identify our intentions for the weekend. I had absolutely no idea! By that point, I was just happy to be arriving without dreading it. So I said that my intention was to know what my intentions are by the end of the weekend. That was the best I could come up with. But by the end of the weekend, I realized that my intention for the weekend was just to see where I was at - I had a vivid recollection of what last year's experience was, I had recognized what I had been working on for the last year, and I could finally put it all to the test.
Granted, this year's speaker was completely different than last year's and there was not the continuous religious undertones. Still, I always run into other people who are very religious, and there was sufficient information to have some idea of what the speaker's religious viewpoint was. (Nevermind that I am probably hypersensitive to religious undertones just because it can be quite a trigger for me.) But nonetheless, it didn't bother me at all. I was able to hear people's religious views, and even hear a story from the bible, and it did not bother me. I could actually see beyond the specific content of the story and get the bigger picture - the moral of the story, just as I would when I hear Little Red Riding Hood. It was actually great to see that everything I've worked on for the past year absolutely 100% works for me, and that I am exactly where I need to be. It felt really good to be able to see that with such clarity.
Interestingly enough, I didn't even realize that I was looking for or needing that kind of confirmation. Sometimes I do feel doubtful - about my program, about how I interpret things - that dreaded sense of "I'm doing it wrong!" It is easy to do - part of it is my perfectionism (always thinking I could do it better, or never being able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations). But another part of it is falling victim to comparing my insides to other people's outsides. When I see other people laughing and having a good ol' time, clearly (from my perspective) exceeding in their recovery goals, I start to think ... I don't feel like that! I'm not exuberant and manic and "filled with Christ's love" ... maybe I'm doing it wrong! Maybe I will truly never have what they have because I'm not willing to do what they do ...
And the insecurities creep in ...
Which only exacerbates the feelings, because then my recovery feels even more shakey, and everyone else's looks even more secure.
etc. etc. etc.
So without even realizing it, I was looking for some form of confirmation this year. And I got it.
Is my recovery perfect? Obviously not. But it's mine, and that is the best part about it. I'm not pretending to believe anything I don't really believe. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone or anything else to do stuff for me or to make me feel any particular way. When I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I can thankfully look right at myself and say "do something about it!" or "what do you expect when you do nothing?!?!?" How nice not to have to look up into the sky and never wonder or think, "why are You ignoring me?" or "why do You do for others what you won't do for me?"
The hardest part is when I have doubts - but I imagine that this is the same struggle that anyone would have, believer or non. How can it be any different to doubt God when you believe than it is to doubt not believing when you don't? As with everything else in program, our similarities far exceed our differences. But sometimes, like a chihuahua, I feel like I have such a teeny-tiny part in things - like I have to make a whole lot of noise in order to ever be noticed - like if my voice (as an agnostic) isn't heard, then it won't really exist. Do I worry that my nonbeliever will get trampled if the believers don't know I'm here???
GROWL!! BARK!! Stop using your religious words or I will get trampled and hurt! GROWL!! SNAP!! BARK!!
Validation seems to be what I want more than anything, and unless others accept and/or agree with my perspective of things, then I fear it has no value. Except the value is in what I receive and sometimes I forget that. I'm not a chihuahua in a pack of great danes, so I can probably put the claws and teeth away.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
one year anniversary ... albeit a little late
So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.
And what came from that???
I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.
Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.
In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)
But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."
It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.
Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!
Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!
So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.
And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)
Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)
Friday, October 16, 2009
long overdue
I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
Friday, October 2, 2009
thanks for asking
I actually started this post quite some time ago ... September 21st I think it said. I had intended to type up my notes from when I spoke (see below), but then I just didn't get around to it - partially because it has been crazy busy at work with my co-worker on vacation, and partially because ... I'm not sure. It just didn't happen I guess. So I've updated what I can (in parentheses) and I will try to post my notes on traditions 4-6 (see below) hopefully sometime this weekend ...
Thanks to those of you checking to see how I'm doing, etc. After a few days on my new meds, I was feeling better, but then a big front came through and I had a set back. I'm definitely thinking that the meds are not going to help as much as I'd first hoped, but I'm still significantly better than I was right before starting them. (Hopefully I'll be able to get re-checked next week and see if they can find anything else out.) The jury is still out, unfortunately, but at least functionally, I have much improved. :)
Let's see ... program ... what can I write about program ...
I spoke at a local recovery event on the traditions this past weekend (a couple of weekends ago, now) and it was pretty cool I thought. For starters, I wasn't sure how many people would even attend, given that it was based on the traditions. I often used to deeply sigh when I would go to a meeting and the topic would be "tradition ___". Ugh. Who wants to discuss the traditions??? And I've heard many-a-times that "no one cares about the traditions until one gets broken."
There is a lot of truth to that, actually ... at least as far as the traditions as they apply to meetings, but as applied to everyday life, that is a completely different story! They are far more interesting and relevant when coming from that perspective, which was the entire point of the event this weekend, and a big part as to why I am so passionate about them. We had four speakers, each one covering three traditions, and we specifically talked about how we apply each of the traditions to our daily lives. I was four through six.
(And this is as far as I got ... here's to a stellarly productive weekend where I can actually get a little more written. Oh, and I would just like to say another SUPER THANKS to all those who update their blogs more regularly! I love to read them and someday I hope I can be a better, more regular poster.)
Thanks to those of you checking to see how I'm doing, etc. After a few days on my new meds, I was feeling better, but then a big front came through and I had a set back. I'm definitely thinking that the meds are not going to help as much as I'd first hoped, but I'm still significantly better than I was right before starting them. (Hopefully I'll be able to get re-checked next week and see if they can find anything else out.) The jury is still out, unfortunately, but at least functionally, I have much improved. :)
Let's see ... program ... what can I write about program ...
I spoke at a local recovery event on the traditions this past weekend (a couple of weekends ago, now) and it was pretty cool I thought. For starters, I wasn't sure how many people would even attend, given that it was based on the traditions. I often used to deeply sigh when I would go to a meeting and the topic would be "tradition ___". Ugh. Who wants to discuss the traditions??? And I've heard many-a-times that "no one cares about the traditions until one gets broken."
There is a lot of truth to that, actually ... at least as far as the traditions as they apply to meetings, but as applied to everyday life, that is a completely different story! They are far more interesting and relevant when coming from that perspective, which was the entire point of the event this weekend, and a big part as to why I am so passionate about them. We had four speakers, each one covering three traditions, and we specifically talked about how we apply each of the traditions to our daily lives. I was four through six.
(And this is as far as I got ... here's to a stellarly productive weekend where I can actually get a little more written. Oh, and I would just like to say another SUPER THANKS to all those who update their blogs more regularly! I love to read them and someday I hope I can be a better, more regular poster.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)