wheelbarrows

I have said, and I have had my sponsees say to me, that being held accountable is absolutely necessary for recovery. Sometimes I wonder if me trying to hold my sponsees accountable is the right thing to do - on the one hand, if they're going to recover, they need to find a way to do it without me harping on them to "do this" or "do that", but on the other hand, I know from my own experience that having to account to someone else for my actions makes me a thousand times more likely to actually take those actions. So perhaps the "resistance" that I sometimes feel when it comes to accountability stems more from an aversion to accountability than from an attitude of "encouraging independence."

I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!

So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.

Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.

When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.

(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.

(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.

I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).

Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!

The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.

So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.

But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!

Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).

And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.

See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.

complacency

complacent [kuhm-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.

pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied

Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.

Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.

But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.

I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).

So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.

Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.

So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).

Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.

I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.

So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.

Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)

So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)