what if?

I read a blog this morning that talked about addicts being "beyond human aid" - that only God can change us, we cannot change us. It went on to say that in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work).

I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.

I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).

But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.

And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?

Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???

And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?

Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)

However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.

So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.

Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.

And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)

Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.

And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.

Happy Friday everyone!

roadmap from selfishness

I have been struggling with resentments. Resentments towards people who do nothing more than simply "drive me nuts" - they get in my way, they do things that annoy me, and they simply make life go a little less smoothly for me. Why is it that I somehow think I am entitled to a smooth life? Why is it that somehow I think I am entitled to never be annoyed, to always have things exactly the way I think they should be, when I think they should be, how I think they should be? Oh, that's right ... because I'm an addict and I'm riddled with selfishness and self-centeredness. That is the root of all my troubles!

Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).

Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?

But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)

I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.

So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?

Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.

But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!

God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!

Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).

The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.

Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!

I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.

So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!

Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*

Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.

"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.

"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.

"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.

*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*

(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)

So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!

Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!

This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.

Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.

The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.

survival of the fittest

O.K. - I tried to put some labels on my prior posts, so hopefully that will help in the future when trying to find posts on a particular topic. It's hard to know what the topics should be so as to be most useful in the future though, so I tried to keep it to specific steps, traditions, character defects and higher power related things. I will probably have to revise those as I go, I'm sure, so we'll see.

For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?

For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?

I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.

So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.

The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."

My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.

My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.

My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.

The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!

I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.

I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.

Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!

That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)

action

I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."

Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).

Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).

Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.

Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.

Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.

practice makes ... better

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not - I don't think I have - but forgive me if I'm being repetitive. Awhile back I read some stuff about the 4th step, which made me remember things that I have learned about the 4th step, which made me look at the 9th step in a whole new light. I'll explain.

I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).

Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.

Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.

But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.

I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?

Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.

If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.

It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*