My goodness - I just spent some 15 minutes of so deleting off a bunch of jesus vomit comments from my blog. It's so strange to me - I do not understand christian fanatical types. I grew up in a baptist home (thankfully NOT fanatical) so I know all the lingo and I know all the "rules", etc., and I just have to wonder whether these people realize that they do so much more harm to their cause than good? Assuming only for the sake of argument that they are right in their beliefs, what good comes from approaching people in a crazy fanatical way? What good comes from blasting people with overly zealous confrontational bible babble? What would jesus say to a person who did nothing but scare off people from "his message"? When that person comes before God at the pearly gates and God says, "Where's your common sense? You did nothing but chase people away!" What then would that person say then?
Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.
And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.
I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.
This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.
Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.
So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
quandaries
So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
< >
My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
<
My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
recovery from recovery
I started a post yesterday but didn't get very far, so I'll try again today.
What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!
Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.
One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!
We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.
Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.
Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.
So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!
Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)
What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!
Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.
One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!
We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.
Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.
Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.
So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!
Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
on a roll
I've been emailing a friend of mine a lot about program, which is really making me think a lot about it. (Far more thinking than what's good for a mind to do perhaps!) But I thought I'd add it here, because it was quite enlightening to myself as I was writing it and I wanted to remember what occurred to me. (Amazing how when I'm writing, things come out that I didn't even know I had!)
We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."
But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!
It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.
Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!
So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.
But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:
She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."
She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.
She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)
Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.
That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.
I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).
So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.
We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."
But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!
It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.
Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!
So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.
But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:
She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."
She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.
She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)
Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.
That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.
I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).
So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
talking points
In all the turmoil of the elections these days, I wondered - what are the "talking points" of my recovery? Can I put a one or two word "summary" to each of the steps and traditions of recovery? If I'm using "the program" or the "principles of the program" as my higher power, I want to be able to shorten those down to just a few words so I can get the point as quickly as possible.
I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.
Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:
Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)
Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)
Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)
Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)
Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)
Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)
Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)
Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)
Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)
Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)
Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)
Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)
Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)
Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)
Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)
Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")
Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)
Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)
Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)
Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)
Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)
Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)
Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)
Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)
So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!
I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.
Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:
Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)
Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)
Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)
Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)
Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)
Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)
Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)
Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)
Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)
Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)
Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)
Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)
Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)
Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)
Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)
Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")
Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)
Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)
Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)
Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)
Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)
Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)
Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)
Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)
So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!
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