Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
planned disappointments
I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
addendum
I knew yesterday's short post was too good to be true! I never have that little to say!
So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.
And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.
This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.
This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)
So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!
So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.
And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.
This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.
This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)
So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
pray-er
What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
individual practice plan
So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
oh great murphy!
I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
Monday, October 27, 2008
what would jesus say???
My goodness - I just spent some 15 minutes of so deleting off a bunch of jesus vomit comments from my blog. It's so strange to me - I do not understand christian fanatical types. I grew up in a baptist home (thankfully NOT fanatical) so I know all the lingo and I know all the "rules", etc., and I just have to wonder whether these people realize that they do so much more harm to their cause than good? Assuming only for the sake of argument that they are right in their beliefs, what good comes from approaching people in a crazy fanatical way? What good comes from blasting people with overly zealous confrontational bible babble? What would jesus say to a person who did nothing but scare off people from "his message"? When that person comes before God at the pearly gates and God says, "Where's your common sense? You did nothing but chase people away!" What then would that person say then?
Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.
And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.
I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.
This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.
Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.
So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!
Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.
And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.
I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.
This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.
Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.
So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!
Friday, October 17, 2008
quandaries
So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.
For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)
I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!
So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).
Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.
Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)
The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.
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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.
So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???
Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???
I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?
What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."
The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.
Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.
The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.
Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.
My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.
Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.
The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."
Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*
And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!
Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.
Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.
I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.
Alright ... I'm out.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
recovery from recovery
I started a post yesterday but didn't get very far, so I'll try again today.
What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!
Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.
One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!
We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.
Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.
Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.
So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!
Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)
What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!
Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.
One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!
We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.
Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.
Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.
So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!
Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
on a roll
I've been emailing a friend of mine a lot about program, which is really making me think a lot about it. (Far more thinking than what's good for a mind to do perhaps!) But I thought I'd add it here, because it was quite enlightening to myself as I was writing it and I wanted to remember what occurred to me. (Amazing how when I'm writing, things come out that I didn't even know I had!)
We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."
But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!
It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.
Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!
So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.
But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:
She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."
She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.
She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)
Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.
That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.
I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).
So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.
We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."
But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!
It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.
Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!
So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.
But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:
She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."
She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.
She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)
Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.
That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.
I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).
So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
talking points
In all the turmoil of the elections these days, I wondered - what are the "talking points" of my recovery? Can I put a one or two word "summary" to each of the steps and traditions of recovery? If I'm using "the program" or the "principles of the program" as my higher power, I want to be able to shorten those down to just a few words so I can get the point as quickly as possible.
I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.
Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:
Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)
Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)
Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)
Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)
Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)
Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)
Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)
Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)
Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)
Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)
Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)
Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)
Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)
Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)
Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)
Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")
Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)
Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)
Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)
Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)
Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)
Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)
Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)
Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)
So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!
I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.
Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:
Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)
Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)
Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)
Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)
Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)
Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)
Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)
Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)
Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)
Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)
Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)
Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)
Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)
Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)
Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)
Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")
Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)
Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)
Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)
Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)
Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)
Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)
Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)
Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)
So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!
Friday, September 19, 2008
getting started
Geez Louise - it is tough to get a blog started! But that's alright - like everything else, I survived. I'll probably have an amends to make to my employer though since I've spent so much time messing with this today!
I'm not sure what inspired me to start a blog - I think I've just spent so much time looking at other people's stuff about program, all over the web, and I felt like maybe I could put a little bit out there as I accumulate all of this stuff. Service maybe? (Can I call it service when doing it on my employer's time??? Probably not.) Not service. Just because. I have no good reason whatsoever.
I'm in a twelve-step program. I chose not to specify which one because I have been in long enough to know that my substance of choice is merely a symptom of a much larger problem, and ultimately, I really don't think it matters what substance a person uses if that person is trying to fill a God-sized hole with it - nothing will work.
Ah, the G-word. Can I just say that for the longest time I had a really difficult time accepting "God's" place in a twelve-step program. I think that I can very safely call myself an agnostic, since I simply do not know the status of God (exists? imaginary? whatever). I don't necessarily fall on the side of an atheist, but if I know nothing else for sure, it is simply that whatever or wherever I am now, it is sure to change in a matter of days, weeks, months or years.
When I first got into program, God was ... well, God. God was what I had grown up learning about when my parents dragged me to church. At some point (probably around age 16), church and I had a falling out. I could probably count on two hands the number of times I've been inside a church since. (I might need my toes too, if I have to count weddings and funerals.) So I just sort of ignored God, which can be difficult for anyone who's ever been to an 12-step meeting!
But at some point God became Good-Orderly-Direction. Now that worked for me. For a little while, anyway. Then came God as "Goodness" (like that inherent goodness in people that makes them drive 48 hours straight to New York City just to volunteer in the rescue efforts after September11th, or that makes people load up a U-Haul full of bottled water and drive it down to New Orleans after Katrina hit). That worked for awhile too.
The problem with both of these concepts was that I had never developed a method for "communicating" with them the way the steps required me to. Turn my will and my life over to the care of whom? Admitted the exact natures of my wrongs to whom? Became entirely ready to have my character defects removed by whom? Humbly asked to have my shortcomings removed by whom? Continued through prayer (to whom?) and meditation to improve my conscious contact with whom? Praying only for knowledge of whose will for me? It was very problematic.
At some point I settled on the principles of the program becoming my higher power. While the principles of the program stem the same problems that Good-Orderly-Direction and God=Good do, it nonetheless brought a level of peace to me that I had not known before. I guess that the element of studying the program and practicing its principles in order to live a recovered life just rang true to my life and who I am.
And, shock of all shock!!! I'm not the only one who uses the program as a higher power! In fact, the literature I've been reading since my first day in suggests it as an option! I heard a speaker say once that a revelation is something that I am just now discovering that someone else has been trying to tell me for 6 months or more. My development of a higher power was definitely a revelation!!! And thankfully, because I'm not the first to develop this idea, I was able to find all sorts of things on the web that helped me interpret the steps (and traditions - I find them to be an essential part of the principles of the program that encompass my higher power) in a way that works for me (eliminating all of the "to whom" questions that plagued me before). So as I learn to incorporate the steps and traditions in my everyday life, I am growing spiritually and I am making spiritual progress (most definitely NOT perfection).
I guess that's all I have at the moment - far more than I realized I had, and probably only a chip off the iceberg of stuff I hope to learn in this program. To anyone who's new in recovery - just know that it is a long, wonderful progress - you will probably not get anywhere over night, but you just might be surprised how far you can travel piecing together one overnight after another overnight after another overnight. To anyone who's been in recover for a long time - have patience with me - I know I've got a long, long way to go, and I welcome any advice you might have to offer.
That's all for now. Hopefully I'll come back to update this here blog more than once every six months. I know - such a lofty goal!
I'm not sure what inspired me to start a blog - I think I've just spent so much time looking at other people's stuff about program, all over the web, and I felt like maybe I could put a little bit out there as I accumulate all of this stuff. Service maybe? (Can I call it service when doing it on my employer's time??? Probably not.) Not service. Just because. I have no good reason whatsoever.
I'm in a twelve-step program. I chose not to specify which one because I have been in long enough to know that my substance of choice is merely a symptom of a much larger problem, and ultimately, I really don't think it matters what substance a person uses if that person is trying to fill a God-sized hole with it - nothing will work.
Ah, the G-word. Can I just say that for the longest time I had a really difficult time accepting "God's" place in a twelve-step program. I think that I can very safely call myself an agnostic, since I simply do not know the status of God (exists? imaginary? whatever). I don't necessarily fall on the side of an atheist, but if I know nothing else for sure, it is simply that whatever or wherever I am now, it is sure to change in a matter of days, weeks, months or years.
When I first got into program, God was ... well, God. God was what I had grown up learning about when my parents dragged me to church. At some point (probably around age 16), church and I had a falling out. I could probably count on two hands the number of times I've been inside a church since. (I might need my toes too, if I have to count weddings and funerals.) So I just sort of ignored God, which can be difficult for anyone who's ever been to an 12-step meeting!
But at some point God became Good-Orderly-Direction. Now that worked for me. For a little while, anyway. Then came God as "Goodness" (like that inherent goodness in people that makes them drive 48 hours straight to New York City just to volunteer in the rescue efforts after September11th, or that makes people load up a U-Haul full of bottled water and drive it down to New Orleans after Katrina hit). That worked for awhile too.
The problem with both of these concepts was that I had never developed a method for "communicating" with them the way the steps required me to. Turn my will and my life over to the care of whom? Admitted the exact natures of my wrongs to whom? Became entirely ready to have my character defects removed by whom? Humbly asked to have my shortcomings removed by whom? Continued through prayer (to whom?) and meditation to improve my conscious contact with whom? Praying only for knowledge of whose will for me? It was very problematic.
At some point I settled on the principles of the program becoming my higher power. While the principles of the program stem the same problems that Good-Orderly-Direction and God=Good do, it nonetheless brought a level of peace to me that I had not known before. I guess that the element of studying the program and practicing its principles in order to live a recovered life just rang true to my life and who I am.
And, shock of all shock!!! I'm not the only one who uses the program as a higher power! In fact, the literature I've been reading since my first day in suggests it as an option! I heard a speaker say once that a revelation is something that I am just now discovering that someone else has been trying to tell me for 6 months or more. My development of a higher power was definitely a revelation!!! And thankfully, because I'm not the first to develop this idea, I was able to find all sorts of things on the web that helped me interpret the steps (and traditions - I find them to be an essential part of the principles of the program that encompass my higher power) in a way that works for me (eliminating all of the "to whom" questions that plagued me before). So as I learn to incorporate the steps and traditions in my everyday life, I am growing spiritually and I am making spiritual progress (most definitely NOT perfection).
I guess that's all I have at the moment - far more than I realized I had, and probably only a chip off the iceberg of stuff I hope to learn in this program. To anyone who's new in recovery - just know that it is a long, wonderful progress - you will probably not get anywhere over night, but you just might be surprised how far you can travel piecing together one overnight after another overnight after another overnight. To anyone who's been in recover for a long time - have patience with me - I know I've got a long, long way to go, and I welcome any advice you might have to offer.
That's all for now. Hopefully I'll come back to update this here blog more than once every six months. I know - such a lofty goal!
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