playing poker

I read something interesting about character defects that made me think - it was a someone's story about how they had practiced step 6 and 7. They had written on poker chips all of their identified character defects and every day they would pull one out of a bag (or bowl - I forget which) and focus on working on that character defect that day. When I read this, I thought, "what a great idea!"

Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.

***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***

or

***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***

(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)

I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.

For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.

The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??

And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???

I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:

• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.

Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.

None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.

At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.

Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.

inventory

I've been doing a lot of research on inventory lately - reading, listening to speakers about it, etc. I know what a critical part of recovery and program it is. Without inventory, I simply cannot be honest, because the disease in my head keeps me from it. The ONLY way for me to truly be free is to took inside myself, write it down, and admit it to someone else. That's what the Big Book tells me, and that's what my experience tells me. I have been amazed in the past, and will probably continue to be amazed, at just how big, scarey and awful something can feel inside, and at just how small and insignificant that same something can feel when I've written it down on paper and admitted it to someone else. The tricky part is, getting it out on paper and telling someone, since it is still at the big/scary/awful phase when that has to happen.

I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.

Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.

Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.

Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.

Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.

Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.

But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!

My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)

So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.

Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.

The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.

So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.

I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.

one year anniversary ... albeit a little late

So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."

Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.

And what came from that???

I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.

Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.

In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)

But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."

It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.

Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!

Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!

So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.

And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)

Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)

finding my voice

Estoy aqui!!!

(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)

Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...

I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)

Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.

Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!

So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).

I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???

But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...

This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").

But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.

Tradition 2 says:

For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)

So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.

What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!

But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.

It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.

I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.

Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!

call 'em like you see 'em

I remember hearing someone share in a meeting once that it's important to call your character defects exactly what they really are, without sugar coating them with "nice names" that somehow make having them feel ... well ... cool or quirky or something. For example, having a "bad body image" is really just vanity. Or perhaps ungratefulness. Being a "people pleaser" is really just being a manipulator. Not able to set boundaries? More manipulation. Or perhaps laziness, depending on the situation. The point is, when I try to couch my character defects in couch talk (i.e. pop psychology terms), they don't seem as nasty and I'm not as motivated to do the work to remove them.

I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!

So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.

My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.

As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.

So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.

It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)

oldies but goodies

Once again, missing, missing, missing.

I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.

Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.

I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.

I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.

There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.

And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.

I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.

So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.

m.i.a.

I apologize for being m.i.a. for so long ... I've had the urge to write a few times, but not the time when those urges hit, and when I had the time, I had no urge. My life's a-changin' these days! I got laid off from my job 2 weeks ago, and since then, I've been going through the internal dramas of trying to decide what I should do next, what I want to do next and what I can do next, knowing all the while that those 3 things may not be congruous. I can't even find continuity within my shoulds, wants and cans.

Times like these make me wish that I just had a standard belief in a deity-type higher power. I hear things like, "God always has a plan" and "God won't give you more than you can handle" and "God will take care of you." I wish that those were things that I believed, because if I did, that would give me great comfort! How nice it would be to believe that I lost my job because God has a plan for me to get a better one just up the road or one that will give me more personal satisfaction or one in which I will make great contributions to this world beyond what I can even comprehend. That would indeed be very comforting! It would be nice to believe that God is just dishing out problems to everyone and the dish I was served is definitely NOT beyond my handling capabilities. That also would be very comforting! And I would love to believe that God will take care of me - that the bills will be paid, and my employment status will be resolved somehow in a way that will not harm me or those to whom I'm responsible or those whom I love. To believe those things!!! It would definitely make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And comfortable ... why would I have a care in the world if I knew those things to be true???

But I don't. I simply do not believe that there is some greater purpose to me having to find a new job. I don't believe that there is any reason I lost my job other than the fact that my employer was looking to save money in today's economy and I was just expendable enough to make my salary optional. I don't believe that the world is a great big puzzle or chess game, in which my employment status is nothing more than a move by some deity that's secretly making the world a better place, one chess piece at a time.

For starters, such a belief completely eliminates the idea of free will. If everything is always based on some great big plan, then why would I ever need to do anything? What would be the point? If the plan is going to happen regardless of my actions, then no matter what I do, the result will be the same. But we all know that isn't true - if I never stepped out of my house again, I'm not going to magically receive a paycheck from an unknown employer who is so happy to have me on staff that I don't even need to show up to collect my pay, let alone earn it. So obviously my actions have impact on this great plan. But if my actions have impact on the plan, then how is it that it's God's plan? How can there be a "plan" if anyone and everyone can undo it and change it at any point in time, without any say by God? That doesn't make for much of a plan! (Nor does it make for much of a powerful God!) What if God has a plan for me to work for a particular person and solve world hunger, except this person's in a crap mood today and decides not to hire me. Does that one person actually have the power to undo God's plan for me and world hunger? And if so, how powerful is God if this other random person can prevent God's plan from happening???

To me, saying "God has a plan" is just a way of wiping away any concern or worry by suggesting that there is some great reason for what happened - you should feel good about it because there is an important, albeit unknown, reason for it to have happened. Personally, I think it is more about what you do with what happens that makes a difference - instead of "everything happens for a reason", I believe it's "everything happens, and what we do with it creates the reason for why it happened."

There are lots of things I can do at this point ... kind of like a "choose your own adventure" book. I can job hunt and find a new job ... this can be a job similar to what I had before or it can be something totally different. I might find something or I might not. I might like it or I might not. I could also lose whatever job I find, just like I lost my last one. Or, I can decide to go into business for myself, and I may or may not succeed at it and I may or may not like it. I might like it and still not be able to succeed, or I might succeed and yet not like it at all.

Being an addict, I want to know the results before I put in any efforts so I know that what I'm doing is worth while. I want to know what I'm going to get! And I want to be able to do things and be right - i.e. I want to go into business for myself only if I know that I can do it successfully and will enjoy it! I don't want to go into business for myself only to learn that I hate it or can't do it - that would be a total blow to my ego! Not to mention a waste of time. For addicts, we're all about the destination - the journey is a big pain in the ass. Except ... well, except that life isn't a destination. It's a journey. Regardless of whether that's what I want it to be, that's what it is.

That makes me think of the serenity prayer ...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Translated ... there is serenity in accepting the things I cannot change. There is courage in changing the things I can. And there is wisdom in knowing the difference (and choosing to act in a sane and healthy way - i.e. accepting what I can't change and changing what I can).

I don't believe that there is a deity that will grant me with serenity to accept things, especially only upon request, but I know that I will experience serenity if I accept things that are beyond my control. If I accept that I lost my job, that I don't have control over what my next job will be, that I can't determine ahead of time whether I can or will like going into business for myself ... if I accept these things, I will feel serene. I will feel serene simply because I will not be obsessing over the unchangeable, the fixed, the given. Failing to accept them only opens myself into a world of craziness. I may as well waste all my time and energy focusing on a rock trying to change it into a diamond, for all the good it will do me! It's pure logic - spending your time/energy on things you can't change is pointless, and thus, cannot lead to anything other than non-serenity. (Unless one feels a sense of serenity in craziness ... but that's another story I suppose ... bigger fish to fry in that case!)

So assuming that in fact I do not find serenity in craziness ... I am courageous if I change the things I can. The things I can change are making a decision - deciding whether I am willing to face my fears and try going into business for myself. Or, deciding if I want to apply for jobs and doing to footwork to get my resume in front of people. Those are things that I can do. I can also ask people for help, and network, and make myself of service to others when I am not working. Those are things that I can change, and when I do those things, in the face of my fears, I become a courageous person.

And I am wise when I take the time to figure out what I can change and what I can't, so that I can change what I need to and feel serene with what I cannot.

I'm not one to buy the saying that God won't give us what we can't handle ... as if to suggest that God gives some children horrific abuse experiences because they're strong enough to handle it, but another child, well, that one gets a beaver-ific childhood because he/she can't handle abuse? Or isn't deserving of a safe and healthy childhood? That logic makes no sense to me! And I think it suggests that bad things happen for a reason - either punishment for being strong, or punishment for being bad, or just to teach someone a lesson. Of course the alternative is to suggest that God doesn't have the power to prevent bad things from happening, which I think a lot of religious people find too unnerving. Except that truly, it's a difficult road to go down to start suggesting that God lets bad things happen to a person for one reason or another. But to believe that God only gives you things you can handle ... it's an inevitable journey following such a belief.

I think the intent behind saying that God won't give you something you can't handle is to simply say, you can handle whatever comes your way - you just have to find a way to get through it. Human beings are surprisingly resilient. The less you give us, the less we're willing to put up with, but it is truly amazing what some humans have been able to endure. And this is something that I can believe - that you can find a way to get through anything - it just takes acceptance, serenity, change, courage and wisdom. With those things, you can get through anything I believe. Accepting what you can't change, changing what you can, figuring out the difference ... that's how you face whatever comes your way.

So where does this leave me ... um ... in my character defect of fear, mostly. Fear of what's going to happen, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking bad, fear of not being good enough, fear of people finding out I'm a fraud, fear, fear, fear. And my knee-jerk response to fear is INACTION. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. But doing nothing gets me nowhere, which brings about more fear. So what's a girl to do??? I think my only option is to figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can, accept what I can't, and just see what happens. Repeat as necessary. When whatever happens happens, then I have to re-evaluate and figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can and accept what I can't. There is no end - it's just the journey of life. Destination is just a myth that I want to focus on in order to avoid the journey (a journey I'm scared of!). But pretending I'm not on a journey does nothing but make my journey about pretending it's not a journey. Not much of a story to tell in end. I can't avoid having a journey by pretending I'm not having one - I can only alter the journey. So I may as well accept that I'm on a journey and get on with it. Face the inevitable, and face the fear.

I'll try to stay better in touch ... not much excuse for not writing when one's not working, after all! Power to the unemployed!!!

what if?

I read a blog this morning that talked about addicts being "beyond human aid" - that only God can change us, we cannot change us. It went on to say that in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work).

I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.

I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).

But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.

And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?

Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???

And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?

Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)

However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.

So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.

Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.

And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)

Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.

And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.

Happy Friday everyone!

roadmap from selfishness

I have been struggling with resentments. Resentments towards people who do nothing more than simply "drive me nuts" - they get in my way, they do things that annoy me, and they simply make life go a little less smoothly for me. Why is it that I somehow think I am entitled to a smooth life? Why is it that somehow I think I am entitled to never be annoyed, to always have things exactly the way I think they should be, when I think they should be, how I think they should be? Oh, that's right ... because I'm an addict and I'm riddled with selfishness and self-centeredness. That is the root of all my troubles!

Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).

Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?

But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)

I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.

So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?

Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.

But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!

God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!

Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).

The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.

Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!

I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.

So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!

Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*

Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.

"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.

"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.

"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.

*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*

(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)

So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!

Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!

This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.

Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.

The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.

action

I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."

Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).

Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).

Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.

Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.

Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.

practice makes ... better

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not - I don't think I have - but forgive me if I'm being repetitive. Awhile back I read some stuff about the 4th step, which made me remember things that I have learned about the 4th step, which made me look at the 9th step in a whole new light. I'll explain.

I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).

Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.

Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.

But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.

I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?

Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.

If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.

It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*

pray-er

What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?

My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.

So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!

And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...

P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself

So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!

Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)

on a roll

I've been emailing a friend of mine a lot about program, which is really making me think a lot about it. (Far more thinking than what's good for a mind to do perhaps!) But I thought I'd add it here, because it was quite enlightening to myself as I was writing it and I wanted to remember what occurred to me. (Amazing how when I'm writing, things come out that I didn't even know I had!)

We were talking about the whole interpretation thing - how to interpret all this 12-step language while removing the concept of "God" as a deity, but rather using program and the 12 steps as that power greater than ourselves that restores us to sanity. (As a side note - I don't really think of myself as an atheist, since I can't say that I believe there absolutely positively is no God, but I also absolutely positively can say that I don't unquestionably believe in a God either, and having my recovery depend on the resolution to THAT issue just isn't workable. And since the second step says "came to believe that A power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" and not "came to believe that THE power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity", I figure I'm good to go. Using program and the principles/steps of program as my higher power is "good enough."

But the translation thing sure can kick my ass! Often it seems that every aspect of program can be riddled with religious dogma, all the while telling me not to be prejudiced by the terms they use! Of course I know that I can't take the Big Book and ignore the times in which it was written. It's kind of like the Constitution - when the founders of this country came here, they were running from persecution from their home country, where they were persecuted for being christians. They wanted nothing more than to go some place where they could practice christianity and live in peace. So they hopped the pond, set up shop and wrote our Constitution really with just being able to practice christianity in mind! But because of their past experiences, they said that government doesn't get to dictate religion. So while on the one hand, they're saying "In God we trust" and other such "religious dogma" in the stuff they wrote, on the other hand, they're saying separation of church and state!

It is a fact that they set up our country specifically so they could practice christianity, but whether they meant to or not, they also set it up so you could NOT practice christianity if you so choose. And whether you believe the camp that says the founders wrote God into everything so that's where it needs to be (like my parents), or you believe the camp that says the founders wrote it so God couldn't be forced into everything - that they just happened to use "God" because that was their personal belief at the time (like me), the end result is that the plain words of the Constitution provide for separation of church and state. They certainly did it to allow for christianity, and who knows - maybe they truly said "separation of church and state" simply to allow for THEIR church (christianity) to be in the state (government)! But that's not what they said - what they said was separation of church and state. So whether they intended things to truly be as they are today, it doesn't matter. As my law professor used to say, "Even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and again." In other words - they may not have intended to make things as they are, but they did and I think we're better off for it.

Similarly, I think most of the founders of AA did not intend for our program to exclude their idea of God - but fortunately for us, I think that what their personal beliefs were and what they actually wrote were just different enough that those blind pigs found themselves an acorn! They said that your higher power could be whatever conception of God you wanted, although they may have meant (or assumed) that your conception would be like theirs (initially, or eventually, whichever). Fortunately, it is only what they wrote that matters, and I think that there are enough people who have recovered using "the program" as "A power greater than" (and enough people who have NOT recovered using God, the deity, as "THE power greater than" to prove to me that "the solution" was in fact an acorn they had found!

So I guess I would say, what difference does it make what you believe about God? If you believe that the principles of program are A power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity, the rest doesn't matter - you only need A power greater than yourself.

But as I was saying about the translation of program literature and common "sayings" - it sure can be a bitch!!! And I have struggled, struggled, struggled with it! I am getting better though. Sometimes in place of "God" I will say "principles of program" or just "program", sometimes I say "good orderly direction", sometimes I say "goodness in general" - it depends on the sentence and what makes most sense to me. For example, this is from an email that I received from someone in program who was talking about how grateful she is:

She says "Today I am grateful for a higher power that has molded me into someone that I hardly recognize" - my translation, "Today I am grateful that working program has molded me into someone I hardly recognize."

She says, "I have learned more and more how to rely on God" - my translation, "I have learned more and more how to implement the principles of program in my life." Sometimes making it too close to the exact words of the original doesn't work as well, which is why I don't necessarily say "I have learned more and more how to rely on program" - saying it that way suggests that program actually does something for me, whereas I feel more that program is a set of guidelines by which I live my life, which consequently makes my life better and keeps me away from my substance.

She says, "God brings good things into my life that I would never expect and he just drops them on me like little joy bombs" - my translation, "Because of program and the progress I have made, I have joy in my life that I would never expect, and those joyful things just drop into my life like little joy bombs." (I know - "joy bombs" - hilarious! But I'm working with what I got.)

Now here's a tougher one - she says, "I don't care, because I know God's got it covered!!" My translation, "I don't care, because it doesn't have to be covered by me!!" Or maybe, "...because I know I don't have to fix it!!" Basically, instead of saying that God is doing something, I say that I don't have to or that I can't, and instead of God's got it covered, I say it doesn't have to be covered by me or that I can't cover it.

That's actually something new that occurred to me this morning - the idea of not necessarily ADDING something in place of "God" (who or what would be the one or thing doing something instead of the deity God), but simply TAKING OUT that it isn't me. I was listening to a program speaker on CD and he was talking about what it means when someone says "in God's time." Of course the speaker's interpretation of it didn't match mine, but it forced me to think of a way to interpret that saying for myself in a way that makes sense to me. I came up with "not in my time." That's all it means to me - when something happens "in God's time," it only means that it's not happening on my time. I just have to accept that whatever it is, it is not on my preferred time line.

I think it's kind of like how Step 2 doesn't say "came to believe that THE power greater than us ..." but rather "came to believe that A power greater than us..." - it doesn't matter what the power is so long as you know it isn't you. And it doesn't matter on whose time it happens in, just so long as I know it isn't mine (either because I can't control it, don't have to, or shouldn't).

So that's all I got today ... it's kind of weird doing all this writing and putting out there, in the middle of nowhere to be read by probably no one ... but I just have to remind myself that it is the process of writing it out that makes a difference - it matters not whether anyone else ever reads it. If a tree falls in the forest, it doesn't matter whether it really makes a sound or not! What's important is that it fell - deal with the tree on the ground.