would you like fries with that?

So I was looking for the story in the Big Book where it talks about praying daily for those you resent for 2 weeks to make a resentment against them go away ... I thought perhaps I could translate it in such a way that I could use it to make a resentment go away that I've been nursing for weeks now (months, really). I was looking at the online Big Book, since I'm too lazy to get up and go into the other room where my Big Book is, but I couldn't seem to find it. I did come across this line, however, in the story My Bottle My Resentments and Me:

But these resentments eased with time as I began to comprehend my own defects of character.

The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???

But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?

The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)

Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.

So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."

And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.

Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.

Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.

open minds

So I started reading "Living Sober" this morning (an AA book), with my new-found commitment to reconnecting with program. I know there are some agnostic meetings in New York that use this book for their meetings, so I purchased it awhile ago but haven't spent much time with it since.

It starts off with a little legalese fine print ... "this booklet does not offer a plan for recovery" and the "Steps that summarize [AA's] program of recovery are set forth in detail in the books 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions'" and "Here we tell only some methods we have used for living without drinking." You gotta love the legalese fine print -- it's what makes the world go round, is it not?

Anyway, the first entry goes on to talk about habits and how we need to adopt and practice new, healthier habits in exchange for our former unhealthy, self-destructive habits. It talks about habits being both actions and thoughts -- that we have to learn to act differently and think differently. This, I think, is pretty much the essence of every step. Admitting I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable, believing that "the program way of life" can restore me to sanity, and turning my life over to program -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making an inventory of myself, sharing it with someone else, looking at my part in things and having my character defects removed (intentional passive voice, of course) -- it's all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. Making amends includes adopting and practicing new, healthier habits, both in righting my past wrongs and in changing my future behavior so I do not continue to cause harm. Studying program and learning how to incorporate its principles in every aspect of my life -- again, all about adopting and practicing new, healthier habits. At the end of the day, it's just about willingness. I have to be willing to learn how to do things differently, because after all, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Seriously. It's that simple. No one ever said program was rocket science!

Another couple of things that the first entry in "Living Sober" talks about is keeping an open mind and using your common sense. Keeping an open mind -- yeah, yeah, I know. Basically there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, take what you like and leave the rest, figure out what works for you and go with it, etc. This all has a lot of validity, provided that I am in fact willing to do things differently as discussed in the preceding paragraph. It also talked about having a "balanced diet of ideas", which I liked -- being willing to try different things, even if it means trying something that perhaps was previously dismissed for whatever reason.

But using your common sense ... I'm not sure I've ever heard that before in program! (Of course that doesn't mean it's not there, just that I haven't heard it.) However, in an environment where God does everything for you and all you have to do is ask, turn things over, etc., it doesn't exactly lend itself to telling you to use a little common sense. So "Living Sober" actually says, "We found that we have to use plain everyday intelligence in applying the suggestions that follow," and it talks about using the ideas in moderation and using good judgment. Obviously this is written in the context of using the particular suggestions that are in the book, but what occurred to me in reading it is that "common sense" makes for an interesting concept of a higher power. Common sense can restore me to sanity; living my life in accordance with common sense can lead me to recovery; acting in accordance with common sense will remove my character defects, etc.

It really is not that far from using my conscience as a higher power, actually -- consult my conscience and/or common sense before making decisions or taking certain actions. When someone at a meeting tells me to pray about something, I can interpret that to mean that I should consult my conscience and/or common sense. The obvious caveat would be to make sure I'm not thinking through my disease-mind and that I am in fact consulting my common sense, but for me I find that it is the actual process of thinking before acting that makes all the difference in the world (between taking a healthy action and taking an unhealthy action). So often it is the "reaction" that causes me trouble rather than the well thought out action, and a big part of working with my sponsor is learning how to distinguish from the disease voice and the higher power voice (i.e. conscience and/or common sense).

I've often said that the smarter I am, the smarter my disease is. Unfortunately my disease has access to all the smarts and knowledge in my brain that I do, which can make it tricky to determine which thoughts come from my disease and which ones don't. But I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more I study and stay in connection with program, the easier it is to decipher and better I get at doing so.

That's all I got for today folks.

quandaries

So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.

Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.

For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)

I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!

So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).

Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.

Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)

The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.

< >

My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.

So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???

Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???

I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?

What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."

The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.

Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.

The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.

Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.

My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.

Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.

The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."

Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*

And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!

Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.

Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.

I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.

Alright ... I'm out.

talking points

In all the turmoil of the elections these days, I wondered - what are the "talking points" of my recovery? Can I put a one or two word "summary" to each of the steps and traditions of recovery? If I'm using "the program" or the "principles of the program" as my higher power, I want to be able to shorten those down to just a few words so I can get the point as quickly as possible.

I did an internet search for "principles of the program" and there are lots of sites out there that have paired down the steps to a one-word principle. There is not one specific list - each one seems to be slightly different, but all are very similar. But there were not any that I could find that are for the traditions. So I developed my own, based on the ones I could find on the steps and how I best interpret the traditions.

Here are the principles of recovery as I see them:

Step One - Surrender (I admit I'm powerless, and I surrender the fact that I just can't control anything - I cannot force my will upon the universe.)

Step Two - Hope (I believe that practicing the principles of the program will restore me to sanity!)

Step Three - Commitment (When I make a decision to "turn my will and life over the care of the principles of the program", I am deciding to practice the principles of the program in my life - this means that I have to commit to making best efforts to practice the principles of the program in my life.)

Step Four - Honesty (I cannot make a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself if I am not honest - honesty is absolutely essential to this step.)

Step Five - Courage (It takes a lot of guts to admit to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.)

Step Six - Willingness (Being entirely ready to have my character defects removed means I have to be willing to live differently.)

Step Seven - Action (A lot of other lists had "humility" for this step, which makes sense since the step reads "humbly asked ...", but for me, step seven is embarking upon action to practice the corresponding opposites of my character defects - it is the practice of these principles that removes my character defects.)

Step Eight - Forgiveness (In order for me to become willing to make amends to those people I have harmed, I have to forgive them for any harm they may have caused me - I cannot ask for mercy for myself while demanding justice for everyone else!)

Step Nine - Integrity (To me, making amends for the harms I have caused is living a life of integrity.)

Step Ten - Vigilance (Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it when I am wrong means to be vigilant - I have to be always paying attention to my actions and my motives, and then fixing things when (not if) I make mistakes.)

Step Eleven - Growth (The 11th step for me is "sought through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and the ability to practice them in all of my affairs." The fundamental concept behind this is growth - personal growth.)

Step Twelve - Principled (I've seen a lot of other sites use "service" for this step, but to me, carrying the message and practicing the principles in all our affairs is more about living a principled life than just doing service. Plus, the concept of "service" shows up in the traditions quite sufficiently.)

Tradition One - Unity (I need to make sure that the common welfare comes first - in Anonymous Anonymous, this is applied to the meetings - in applying the traditions to my personal life, this means that I look to the common welfare of whatever situation I am in first. Unity of whatever "group" I am applying this to is the most important, i.e. more important than me just getting my own way.)

Tradition Two - Group Conscience (For me, this means that in any given situation, I need to take the "group conscience" of all involved rather than just railroading through with my own ideas, my own agenda and my own will. Everyone gets a voice, not just me.)

Tradition Three - Acceptance (The third tradition is "the only requirement for membership to Anonymous Anonymous is a desire to stop [FILL IN THE BLANK]." In my life, I need to look at what the only requirement for membership is (or participation in or whatever) of a particular event, and then accept that with all those involved. For example, the only requirement to drive on the road is a desire to drive on the road. Other drivers do not have to drive the speed that I want, they do not have to follow the laws if they don't want (I am not the police - it is not my job to enforce the traffic laws). When I am driving on the road, I am a more serene person when I accept that other people get to drive on the road simply because they want to. And when I am a more serene person, I am a safer person. Not to mention, I simply experience less stress.)

Tradition Four - Autonomy (I need to let other people do their own thing, and I need to do my own thing, except where it affects others' autonomy. Autonomy to me is essentially "live and let live.")

Tradition Five - Primary Purpose (This isn't exactly a "principle," but in any given situation, I need to identify and follow my primary purpose so I don't get "off into the weeds" trying to do or fix things that just aren't my business.)

Tradition Six - Independence (The sixth tradition talks about never endorsing, financing or lending the Anonymous Anonymous name to anyone lest problems of money, property and prestige divert from the primary purpose. For me, tradition six is about avoiding any distraction that might divert me from my defined primary purpose, whether it be gossip or greed or self-serving or praise-seeking, etc. Basically, it's "don't sell your soul to the devil" lest it come back to bite you in the ass.)

Tradition Seven - Self Sufficiency (I have to be fully self-supporting. I need to be responsible to carry my own weight in this world.)

Tradition Eight - Generosity (The eighth tradition says that Anonymous Anonymous must remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. For me, this is a reminder that no one is getting paid for the recovery I'm given from Anonymous Anonymous, so in return, I need to be generous of myself to program.)

Tradition Nine - Service (The ninth tradition encompasses the idea of not being organized, but having committees and service boards responsible to those they serve. Anonymous Anonymous is dependent on the service of its members, and it is important for me to provide the service necessary to keep program alive.)

Tradition Ten - Tolerance (The tenth tradition requires us to refrain from expressing opinions on outside issues to avoid being drawn into outside issues. For me, however, it means that I need to have tolerance. Generally if I am expressing an opinion and getting into some controversy over it, it is because I am trying to assert my opinion on someone else. If I practice tolerance of other people's opinions, then it becomes less important to me to make sure that other person "understands" my opinion.)

Tradition Eleven - Modesty (The eleventh tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion, and maintaining anonymity at the level of press, etc. In my personal life, it is about being modest - I don't need to promote recovery or myself - I just need to live, one amongst many, and I don't need to stand out and make myself known to all.)

Tradition Twelve - Humility (The twelfth tradition says that anonymity is the "spiritual foundation" of our program and that we must put principles before personalities. To me, this is humility at its core - I am no better than, nor worse than anyone else, and I am no more or less important than anyone else. These principles come first, regardless of how I feel about someone.)

So those are my "talking points" of program - the keys to living a more principled life and keep me out of my addiction. When I am focused on implementing these principles in my day-to-day life, I am not engaging in those things that make me crazy. I am a more serene person, and a serene me makes for a happier me (and a happier anyone else who has to be around me)!