m.i.a.

I apologize for being m.i.a. for so long ... I've had the urge to write a few times, but not the time when those urges hit, and when I had the time, I had no urge. My life's a-changin' these days! I got laid off from my job 2 weeks ago, and since then, I've been going through the internal dramas of trying to decide what I should do next, what I want to do next and what I can do next, knowing all the while that those 3 things may not be congruous. I can't even find continuity within my shoulds, wants and cans.

Times like these make me wish that I just had a standard belief in a deity-type higher power. I hear things like, "God always has a plan" and "God won't give you more than you can handle" and "God will take care of you." I wish that those were things that I believed, because if I did, that would give me great comfort! How nice it would be to believe that I lost my job because God has a plan for me to get a better one just up the road or one that will give me more personal satisfaction or one in which I will make great contributions to this world beyond what I can even comprehend. That would indeed be very comforting! It would be nice to believe that God is just dishing out problems to everyone and the dish I was served is definitely NOT beyond my handling capabilities. That also would be very comforting! And I would love to believe that God will take care of me - that the bills will be paid, and my employment status will be resolved somehow in a way that will not harm me or those to whom I'm responsible or those whom I love. To believe those things!!! It would definitely make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And comfortable ... why would I have a care in the world if I knew those things to be true???

But I don't. I simply do not believe that there is some greater purpose to me having to find a new job. I don't believe that there is any reason I lost my job other than the fact that my employer was looking to save money in today's economy and I was just expendable enough to make my salary optional. I don't believe that the world is a great big puzzle or chess game, in which my employment status is nothing more than a move by some deity that's secretly making the world a better place, one chess piece at a time.

For starters, such a belief completely eliminates the idea of free will. If everything is always based on some great big plan, then why would I ever need to do anything? What would be the point? If the plan is going to happen regardless of my actions, then no matter what I do, the result will be the same. But we all know that isn't true - if I never stepped out of my house again, I'm not going to magically receive a paycheck from an unknown employer who is so happy to have me on staff that I don't even need to show up to collect my pay, let alone earn it. So obviously my actions have impact on this great plan. But if my actions have impact on the plan, then how is it that it's God's plan? How can there be a "plan" if anyone and everyone can undo it and change it at any point in time, without any say by God? That doesn't make for much of a plan! (Nor does it make for much of a powerful God!) What if God has a plan for me to work for a particular person and solve world hunger, except this person's in a crap mood today and decides not to hire me. Does that one person actually have the power to undo God's plan for me and world hunger? And if so, how powerful is God if this other random person can prevent God's plan from happening???

To me, saying "God has a plan" is just a way of wiping away any concern or worry by suggesting that there is some great reason for what happened - you should feel good about it because there is an important, albeit unknown, reason for it to have happened. Personally, I think it is more about what you do with what happens that makes a difference - instead of "everything happens for a reason", I believe it's "everything happens, and what we do with it creates the reason for why it happened."

There are lots of things I can do at this point ... kind of like a "choose your own adventure" book. I can job hunt and find a new job ... this can be a job similar to what I had before or it can be something totally different. I might find something or I might not. I might like it or I might not. I could also lose whatever job I find, just like I lost my last one. Or, I can decide to go into business for myself, and I may or may not succeed at it and I may or may not like it. I might like it and still not be able to succeed, or I might succeed and yet not like it at all.

Being an addict, I want to know the results before I put in any efforts so I know that what I'm doing is worth while. I want to know what I'm going to get! And I want to be able to do things and be right - i.e. I want to go into business for myself only if I know that I can do it successfully and will enjoy it! I don't want to go into business for myself only to learn that I hate it or can't do it - that would be a total blow to my ego! Not to mention a waste of time. For addicts, we're all about the destination - the journey is a big pain in the ass. Except ... well, except that life isn't a destination. It's a journey. Regardless of whether that's what I want it to be, that's what it is.

That makes me think of the serenity prayer ...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Translated ... there is serenity in accepting the things I cannot change. There is courage in changing the things I can. And there is wisdom in knowing the difference (and choosing to act in a sane and healthy way - i.e. accepting what I can't change and changing what I can).

I don't believe that there is a deity that will grant me with serenity to accept things, especially only upon request, but I know that I will experience serenity if I accept things that are beyond my control. If I accept that I lost my job, that I don't have control over what my next job will be, that I can't determine ahead of time whether I can or will like going into business for myself ... if I accept these things, I will feel serene. I will feel serene simply because I will not be obsessing over the unchangeable, the fixed, the given. Failing to accept them only opens myself into a world of craziness. I may as well waste all my time and energy focusing on a rock trying to change it into a diamond, for all the good it will do me! It's pure logic - spending your time/energy on things you can't change is pointless, and thus, cannot lead to anything other than non-serenity. (Unless one feels a sense of serenity in craziness ... but that's another story I suppose ... bigger fish to fry in that case!)

So assuming that in fact I do not find serenity in craziness ... I am courageous if I change the things I can. The things I can change are making a decision - deciding whether I am willing to face my fears and try going into business for myself. Or, deciding if I want to apply for jobs and doing to footwork to get my resume in front of people. Those are things that I can do. I can also ask people for help, and network, and make myself of service to others when I am not working. Those are things that I can change, and when I do those things, in the face of my fears, I become a courageous person.

And I am wise when I take the time to figure out what I can change and what I can't, so that I can change what I need to and feel serene with what I cannot.

I'm not one to buy the saying that God won't give us what we can't handle ... as if to suggest that God gives some children horrific abuse experiences because they're strong enough to handle it, but another child, well, that one gets a beaver-ific childhood because he/she can't handle abuse? Or isn't deserving of a safe and healthy childhood? That logic makes no sense to me! And I think it suggests that bad things happen for a reason - either punishment for being strong, or punishment for being bad, or just to teach someone a lesson. Of course the alternative is to suggest that God doesn't have the power to prevent bad things from happening, which I think a lot of religious people find too unnerving. Except that truly, it's a difficult road to go down to start suggesting that God lets bad things happen to a person for one reason or another. But to believe that God only gives you things you can handle ... it's an inevitable journey following such a belief.

I think the intent behind saying that God won't give you something you can't handle is to simply say, you can handle whatever comes your way - you just have to find a way to get through it. Human beings are surprisingly resilient. The less you give us, the less we're willing to put up with, but it is truly amazing what some humans have been able to endure. And this is something that I can believe - that you can find a way to get through anything - it just takes acceptance, serenity, change, courage and wisdom. With those things, you can get through anything I believe. Accepting what you can't change, changing what you can, figuring out the difference ... that's how you face whatever comes your way.

So where does this leave me ... um ... in my character defect of fear, mostly. Fear of what's going to happen, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking bad, fear of not being good enough, fear of people finding out I'm a fraud, fear, fear, fear. And my knee-jerk response to fear is INACTION. When I don't know what to do, I do nothing. But doing nothing gets me nowhere, which brings about more fear. So what's a girl to do??? I think my only option is to figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can, accept what I can't, and just see what happens. Repeat as necessary. When whatever happens happens, then I have to re-evaluate and figure out what I can change, figure out what I can't, change what I can and accept what I can't. There is no end - it's just the journey of life. Destination is just a myth that I want to focus on in order to avoid the journey (a journey I'm scared of!). But pretending I'm not on a journey does nothing but make my journey about pretending it's not a journey. Not much of a story to tell in end. I can't avoid having a journey by pretending I'm not having one - I can only alter the journey. So I may as well accept that I'm on a journey and get on with it. Face the inevitable, and face the fear.

I'll try to stay better in touch ... not much excuse for not writing when one's not working, after all! Power to the unemployed!!!

some more higher power stuff

I've been reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff, which for those who do not know, is a father's story about his son addiction to meth. It is a great book I think - the perfect mix of drama and information. The author is also a journalist and the book started from an article he wrote for the New York Times Magazine that drew a ton of response from his readers. Because of his journalistic background, a large component of how he dealt with his son's addiction was to research meth and addiction in general. (This happens to be how I deal with challenges in my life - learn all I can about them - surely one can conquer all with sheer knowledge!) So as you read the book, you learn his story, but you also learn a tremendous amount about meth specifically, as well as addiction and the co-dependent/enabling side of addiction.

I am almost done with the book, but reading last night I came across a passage that really struck me. The author, who is not religious, is talking about his concept of a higher power and of having tried to teach his children the idea that "morality is right for its own sake." He quotes the Dalai Lama from a New York Times article as having explained this idea in a way that reflected the author's way of thinking:

"[K]ey ethical principles we all share as human beings, such as compassion, tolerance, a sense of caring, consideration of others, and the responsible use of knowledge and power - principles that transcend the barriers between religious believers and non-believers, and followers of this religion or that religion."

To the author, it is those principles listed that are his higher power. But he also tells of his father's concept of a higher power as "the 'still small voice' inside us - our consciences."

I love the idea of your conscience as a higher power. As the author says, "When we listen to that voice, we do the right thing. When we don't, we fail to." That is very true for me! And I have to ask myself, how often do I consult my conscience when making decisions??? I truly believe that when I do consult my conscience, I generally know what the right thing to do is, and on those occasions when my conscience does not know what to do, I find that if I do nothing and continue to talk about it and to consult others about it and just wait, at some point I come across an answer (from another person or another idea that occurs to me) that in my gut, I know is the right thing to do. It just feels right. This, I believe, is my conscience. And it is my conscience that will guide me to do those things that I have learned from program as the "right thing to do."

In some ways I actually like this as a concept for a higher power better than simply using the principles of the program. I do not think that it diminishes the importance of the principles of the program though, as it is from my study of those principles that my conscience knows what to do. I guess perhaps it could be described as my conscience, as guided by the steps, traditions and principles of the program.

I have read an article by Jim Burwell (the "original" agnostic of AA) , in which he says that his spiritual growth was "very gradual and steady." In this article (from "Sober for Thirty Years", A.A. Grapevine, November 1999), he summarizes his "milestones" in recovery:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have always been fond of this writing, although this is the first time that I've connected #4 with the word "conscience." I definitely related to #2, although rather than "fellowship", I think of the steps/traditions/principles of the program as my higher power. And I also related to #3, as I have considered before that perhaps "God" was just that goodness that seems to exist in and come out of people. I see it most evidently in the face of great tragedy, like 9/11 (where people drove all night to volunteer in the rescue operations and blood donations were at an all time high) or Hurricane Katrina (where people donated trucks filled with bottled water and communities "adopted" victims to help re-establish their lives). But I have also seen smaller examples of it, such as when someone offers to assist an elderly woman across the street, or if you lose your wallet and it is turned in with all money and credit cards still inside. It's fascinating to me to read this article again today, after having found David Sheff's father's concept of a higher power, and finding myself relating to #4.

I guess that's really all I have to say on the topic, but I find myself inspired and wanting to consult my conscience more often. Funny how one word can have such a profound effect on a person. Sometimes a new word brings about a fresh understanding of an old concept, as though you'd never even heard it before. For me, I think this is step 11 in action - continuing to improve my conscious awareness of program and how it can work in my life.