mary poppins

Well, my tests came back ... "practically perfect in every way." I have always tested well though. The one thing that was slightly off was my thyroid, so I started some new meds on Friday which may or may not be the miracle cure I'm needing. Here's hoping for "may"! But at least the long weekend gave me some much needed rest.

I had a sponsee ask me this weekend, "how do you take step 3?" She understood it conceptually, but struggled in its application. I told her that it's difficult to really put it into words, but the best way for me to describe how I do it is to apply it to specific situations, like I do with the serenity prayer (identifying the things I cannot change, identifying the things I can, and then taking action towards changing what I can and accepting what I cannot). We talked about various decisions she is faced with each day and how she can pause and ask herself before any of them, "what would God want me to do?"

I suggested possibly posting sticky notes in various places to remind her - in the car, "how would God want me to drive?" At work, "how would God want me to handle this?" She recognized that when she bothered to consult, she almost always knew what the answer was - the difficult part is remembering to consult! Slowing down or stopping long enough to even think about the options.

Of course I don't have a God with a preference of what I should or should not do - no "body" for me to ask what to do. So for me, I look inside, towards my conscience or my inner wiseguy, for direction. What's the best direction to go? What should I do? Better yet, I can ask "what would a healthy, sane person do?" or "what would a recovered person do?" The key to step 3 is remembering to ask - making it a habit to pause before acting. And I know that when I sincerely pause and consult, I know what the right answer is. Usually. On the rare occasion that I don't, then I've learned that the answer is "I don't have to decide yet." No answer is the answer!

I must say, I love sponsoring. Even when I hate it, I still love it. It keeps me connected to program and it keeps me in the steps and in recovery.

use it or lose it

I'm a sponsor - I've got three sponsees - and two of them actually got resentful at me (and admitted it to me) in the last couple of weeks for doing my sponsorly duties (i.e. calling them on their crap). What can I say? It kind of comes naturally to me, and I've got to hand it to both of them - it takes guts to literally subject your program to rigorous cross examination on a regular basis. So anyway, in my sponsorly way, I directed each of them to look inside themselves and find out what it was in them that was making them resentful at me.

But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.

Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.

So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.

But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.

And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)

Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."

So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.

And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.

Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.

oh great murphy!

I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.

When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.

Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.

Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.

Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.

Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.

So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!

Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!

So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)

quandaries

So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.

Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.

For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)

I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!

So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).

Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.

Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)

The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.

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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.

So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???

Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???

I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?

What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."

The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.

Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.

The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.

Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.

My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.

Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.

The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."

Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*

And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!

Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.

Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.

I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.

Alright ... I'm out.