I read something interesting about character defects that made me think - it was a someone's story about how they had practiced step 6 and 7. They had written on poker chips all of their identified character defects and every day they would pull one out of a bag (or bowl - I forget which) and focus on working on that character defect that day. When I read this, I thought, "what a great idea!"
Then I read on. The person said that they did this for a couple of years I believe, but didn't actually receive any long term relief. They said that they were finally able to obtain relief when the figured out that they really had to turn their character defects over to God - that working on their character defects alone did not get them anywhere.
***screeching of tires, crashing noise of car, deafening silence***
or
***scratching of record as the music stops leaving awkward silence***
(I like both visuals and couldn't decide.)
I always have a hard time translating when I read something that literally flies in the face of what I have been working on in program when it comes to higher power. I know that I should be beyond this, and I can usually figure out some way around things eventually, but sometimes it can take longer than other times.
For starters, I was bummed that I thought "what a great idea" only to read on that it didn't work. Bummer. Except that truly, just because it didn't work for this person does not mean that it would not work for me. Perhaps this person really had not committed to practicing the principles earnestly on a daily basis. Or perhaps he/she needed a belief on the inside that a celestial God was helping before he/she could really set out to to practice the principles of program to the point that they become habit.
The other thought that occurred to me was that perhaps it is as simple as what "word" was pulled out of the bag/bowl - the thought occurred to me that maybe focusing on what you are NOT going to do that day is not the same as focusing on what you ARE going to do that day. So if I were to write the corresponding opposites to all of my character defects onto poker chips and put them in a bag, pulling one out each day to work on for that day, would I have a better shot at success? Instead of focusing on my character defect of 'dishonesty' and how not to lie, what if I consciously set out to be honest throughout the day? Or even if I identified places/situations where I might be inclined to fudge the truth, and set out to tell the truth instead - would the result then be any different??
And to step things up a little further, what about doing some reading on that particular principal that day, and then at the end of the day, some writing on what I might have learned that day. Might then I have more success then the person in this story???
I think that character defects are really just patterns of behavior - habits. Bad ones, that is. Habits are defined as "acquired behavior patterns regularly followed until they become almost involuntary" or "dominant or regular dispositions or tendencies; prevailing characters or qualities." I've read that it can take as little as 21 days to form a new habit, or as long as a full year, depending on a whole host of different things. Some other interesting things that I've learned about habits:
• replacing a bad habit with something different (a good habit) is essential in getting rid of the bad habit;
• noticing the bad habit when it's occurring is necessary to replace it with something different;
• using triggers associated with habits can help change them (e.g. changing how you respond to your alarm in the morning - sitting up in bed as soon as it goes off - can help alleviate oversleeping);
• connecting a new behavior with an old habit can help make the new behavior a habit (i.e. watching the morning news that you watch in bed everyday on the treadmill instead); and
• focusing on changing just one habit at a time increases the success in changing that habit.
Applying those things to what I know about myself (those addict tendencies) ... when I decide to "change me", rarely do I make it even a few days without reverting to old behaviors, let alone 21, 60 or 365 days! And as evidenced by my need to do a fourth step and unearth my list of character defects, I've never been particularly keen on identifying my character defects when they pop up, and when I do, I'm too busy justifying or rationalizing them to actually identify them properly as character defects. I also have a tendency to want to do things in an "all or nothing" fashion, so I certainly do not focus on only one thing, and I spend so much time listing all of the things I am NOT going to do anymore, I never get as far as coming up with any sane alternatives to work on instead.
None of this really resolves the initial puzzle, which is why the poker chip draw did not work for some anonymous person - I'll never know! And quite frankly, trying to figure it out only takes away my time and energy from working on what I should be working on, which is my recovery. I'm still tempted to try the modified poker chip draw (writing the opposites of my character defects on chips and working on practicing a different one each day), perhaps changing it to work on each chip for longer than a day (3 weeks? 2 months?), and perhaps identifying circumstances in which I am most likely to engage in my character defects and finding ways to overtly change those actions.
At the end of the day, I think that the most important thing of all is that I am doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to work on practicing the principles of the program in all my affairs. For me, I know that I have to mix things up a little on a regular basis - if I do the same thing for too long, it stops working - maybe that's all that happened to the person in the book - did the same thing for so long, he/she ceased to obtain any benefit from it.
Ultimately, I have to work on continuing to take personal inventory (step 10), promptly admitting it when I am wrong (step 10), studying the principles of program to improve my conscious awareness of it and how to apply it in my everyday life (step 11), practicing the principles in all my affairs (step 12) and carrying the message to others (step 12). That's it in a nutshell - a simple nutshell, but the devil is in the details! The outline never changes, but my methods have to constantly adjust to stay at least a step or two ahead of my disease.
Showing posts with label action. Show all posts
Showing posts with label action. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
more inventory
I have noticed that attending any event or meeting that requires a good amount of translation for me, especially if I am particularly tired, always leaves me feeling ... overwhelmed. Sad, even. I don't begrudge any believer his or her beliefs, but I just wish that there were more people around me with similar beliefs (i.e. non-beliefs) to mine. It would be nice to have someone to direct my questions to who has already been through this and/or figured it all out already. But I know that it is the "figuring out" that makes my program stronger. [\whine]
So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.
A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.
On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.
Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."
One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.
Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!
Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.
But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!
Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).
At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.
That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!
Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.
For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.
For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.
For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.
For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.
For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.
For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.
And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.
So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.
A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.
On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.
Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."
One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.
Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!
Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.
But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!
Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).
At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.
That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!
Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.
For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.
For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.
For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.
For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.
For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.
For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.
And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.
Friday, October 16, 2009
long overdue
I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...
Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!
But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.
Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.
So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)
Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.
But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.
It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.
I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.
Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.
Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.
Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.
I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
the only requirement
Hello, again. Me, again.
So I was doing some reading on Tradition 3, in my new-found motivation to ... I don't know ... participate in recovery??? I am a much nicer person when participating in recovery. Anyway ...
Tradition 3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to ...
I've often heard this tradition abbreviated as, "I belong because I say I belong." Most of what I read was very meeting specific - as in, the only requirement to be in program is a desire to stop. The thought occurred to me that it is pretty significant that Tradition 3 does NOT say that the only requirement for recovery is a desire to stop. I think that's because "wanting it" is simply never enough. I can want it all day long and it doesn't mean squat. And maybe that's because generally, what you get is in direct correlation to what you put in. If all you ever put in is just a desire to stop, then all you're going to get is membership. But if you want recovery, then you've got to put in the 12-step footwork.
Which brings me to the other thought I had. I often hear people say that they love this tradition because it means they always have a place to go, or no one can kick them out and make them leave, etc. Or as applied to my actions, I can't kick anyone else out or deny anyone else membership based on my judgments of them.
But, from an alternative perspective ...
I think that with every tradition comes both a right and a responsibility. I have a right to be a member, and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop. But with that right comes the responsibility of desiring my membership. Now I don't think that the tradition itself actually imposes this responsibility, since to do so would actually violate the tradition, wouldn't it? But in order to truly receive the benefits of the traditions, that's where the responsibility comes into play - similar to the "you get what you put into it" theory. If you take on the responsibilities that stem from the traditions, you get so much more.
So how do I do this???
Well, what would it look like if I desired my membership? I suppose that if I really desired my membership, I would treat it as the life-saving factor that it is. I would want to participate in it daily. I would want to learn as much as I could about the principles of the program and the steps and the traditions. I would want to work the steps and practice the traditions and the principles of the program. I would want to go to meetings and to talk to newcomers about the benefits I have received. I would want to sponsor, and to be sponsored. I would want to do service; read the literature. I would want to work really hard at being the best member I can be, knowing full well that I will never be (and cannot be) the best member or the perfect member.
There are times when thinking about what I can "get" from a step or tradition is important - I get relief from my unhealthy desires when I work the steps; I get a clear conscience when I take care of my side of the street. But for me it's important to focus on what I need to do rather than what I'm going to get (probably because of that temperamental, bratty child living inside me.) So while it's great to know that nobody can kick me out, it's even better to know what I need to do to stay in and do well. After all, in all honesty, if someone were to tell me I was kicked out of program, I think I would most likely fight harder than ever to stay in! Nothing like telling stubborn-old-me what I can't have or what I can't do to make sure that I get it or do it! Hmmm .... the only requirement for membership is a refusal of membership by another member ... that might work!
Funny, because when I started this post, I was all about thinking how to apply this tradition to my life (as opposed to program specifically) - I was thinking about how I've been around long enough to "get" how the traditions apply directly in program, but when I apply them in my everyday life, that's what really makes a significant impact in my world. But that's not where it ended up going. Maybe I'll write more soon about applying this to non-program-type stuff, like work or homelife. I'm sure I've got plenty to say about that too!
By the way ... I just noticed today that now you can also read the AA 12&12 on the AA website! I always knew they had the Big Book, but having the 12&12 too is especially cool I think. Check it out!
So I was doing some reading on Tradition 3, in my new-found motivation to ... I don't know ... participate in recovery??? I am a much nicer person when participating in recovery. Anyway ...
Tradition 3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to ...
I've often heard this tradition abbreviated as, "I belong because I say I belong." Most of what I read was very meeting specific - as in, the only requirement to be in program is a desire to stop. The thought occurred to me that it is pretty significant that Tradition 3 does NOT say that the only requirement for recovery is a desire to stop. I think that's because "wanting it" is simply never enough. I can want it all day long and it doesn't mean squat. And maybe that's because generally, what you get is in direct correlation to what you put in. If all you ever put in is just a desire to stop, then all you're going to get is membership. But if you want recovery, then you've got to put in the 12-step footwork.
Which brings me to the other thought I had. I often hear people say that they love this tradition because it means they always have a place to go, or no one can kick them out and make them leave, etc. Or as applied to my actions, I can't kick anyone else out or deny anyone else membership based on my judgments of them.
But, from an alternative perspective ...
I think that with every tradition comes both a right and a responsibility. I have a right to be a member, and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop. But with that right comes the responsibility of desiring my membership. Now I don't think that the tradition itself actually imposes this responsibility, since to do so would actually violate the tradition, wouldn't it? But in order to truly receive the benefits of the traditions, that's where the responsibility comes into play - similar to the "you get what you put into it" theory. If you take on the responsibilities that stem from the traditions, you get so much more.
So how do I do this???
Well, what would it look like if I desired my membership? I suppose that if I really desired my membership, I would treat it as the life-saving factor that it is. I would want to participate in it daily. I would want to learn as much as I could about the principles of the program and the steps and the traditions. I would want to work the steps and practice the traditions and the principles of the program. I would want to go to meetings and to talk to newcomers about the benefits I have received. I would want to sponsor, and to be sponsored. I would want to do service; read the literature. I would want to work really hard at being the best member I can be, knowing full well that I will never be (and cannot be) the best member or the perfect member.
There are times when thinking about what I can "get" from a step or tradition is important - I get relief from my unhealthy desires when I work the steps; I get a clear conscience when I take care of my side of the street. But for me it's important to focus on what I need to do rather than what I'm going to get (probably because of that temperamental, bratty child living inside me.) So while it's great to know that nobody can kick me out, it's even better to know what I need to do to stay in and do well. After all, in all honesty, if someone were to tell me I was kicked out of program, I think I would most likely fight harder than ever to stay in! Nothing like telling stubborn-old-me what I can't have or what I can't do to make sure that I get it or do it! Hmmm .... the only requirement for membership is a refusal of membership by another member ... that might work!
Funny, because when I started this post, I was all about thinking how to apply this tradition to my life (as opposed to program specifically) - I was thinking about how I've been around long enough to "get" how the traditions apply directly in program, but when I apply them in my everyday life, that's what really makes a significant impact in my world. But that's not where it ended up going. Maybe I'll write more soon about applying this to non-program-type stuff, like work or homelife. I'm sure I've got plenty to say about that too!
By the way ... I just noticed today that now you can also read the AA 12&12 on the AA website! I always knew they had the Big Book, but having the 12&12 too is especially cool I think. Check it out!
Friday, June 19, 2009
the neglected stepchild
I used to say when I was in school that each semester, I always had at least one neglected stepchild - that one class I was taking that I would just never seem to have time to work on and in which I was always behind. I always had the best intentions of catching up - it never had anything to do with whether I liked the class or whether the class was hard - rather, it was about whether there were any expectations of me. If there were due dates or tests or papers or participation requirements, then I would not neglect the class. But if the only requirement of me was to come to class, or even less, take some test at the end of the semester, then that class was at risk of becoming the neglected step child.
I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.
Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!
So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.
It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!
O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.
But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.
I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.
Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!
So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.
It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!
O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.
But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
would you like fries with that?
So I was looking for the story in the Big Book where it talks about praying daily for those you resent for 2 weeks to make a resentment against them go away ... I thought perhaps I could translate it in such a way that I could use it to make a resentment go away that I've been nursing for weeks now (months, really). I was looking at the online Big Book, since I'm too lazy to get up and go into the other room where my Big Book is, but I couldn't seem to find it. I did come across this line, however, in the story My Bottle My Resentments and Me:
The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???
But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?
The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)
Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.
So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."
And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.
Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.
Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.
But these resentments eased with time as I began to comprehend my own defects of character.
The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???
But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?
The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)
Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.
So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."
And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.
Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.
Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.
Monday, May 25, 2009
restless, irritable and discontent
That is the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling today - restless, irritable and discontent - such a perfect way to describe days like these and feelings like these. Sometimes I wonder, before program and before I knew the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent", how did I describe my feelings when I was feeling this way? I never would have used the words "restless," "irritable" or "discontent," but I am sure that I have felt this way MANY times in my life, and surely would have wanted to put words to those feelings. Maybe. Just one of those things, I guess - how did we ever live without cell phones? Answering machines? Microwave ovens? I don't know, but we did. And how I ever lived without the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent"? I don't know, but I did!
Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.
See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!
The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.
So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.
The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.
The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.
Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.
The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.
So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.
I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.
Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.
Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.
See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!
The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.
So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.
The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.
The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.
Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.
The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.
So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.
I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.
Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
call 'em like you see 'em
I remember hearing someone share in a meeting once that it's important to call your character defects exactly what they really are, without sugar coating them with "nice names" that somehow make having them feel ... well ... cool or quirky or something. For example, having a "bad body image" is really just vanity. Or perhaps ungratefulness. Being a "people pleaser" is really just being a manipulator. Not able to set boundaries? More manipulation. Or perhaps laziness, depending on the situation. The point is, when I try to couch my character defects in couch talk (i.e. pop psychology terms), they don't seem as nasty and I'm not as motivated to do the work to remove them.
I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!
So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.
My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.
As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.
So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.
It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)
I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!
So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.
My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.
As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.
So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.
It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)
Monday, April 27, 2009
just do it
Sometimes I struggle with fears and insecurities, especially these days when faced with major career changes! But my fears and insecurities seem to have a bit of a personality disorder in that sometimes they are THERE, present and raging, and other times they are absolutely nowhere to be seen, and it's almost (almost) questionable whether they even exist. Bipolar fears maybe? Or maybe it's just the standard tendency of extremes that addicts often exhibit??? I'm sure.
So when I think about where my career might be headed, what I'm going to do with myself, how I'm going to pay the bills, sometimes I am filled with excitement and happiness - I can't wait to do this on my own, I can't wait to see where things go, I can't wait to get started, I'm just chomping at the bit to get going! And other times I wonder, what the f*&% am I doing?!?!?!?!?! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!!! And on any given day, I never know which side of the coin I'm going to be on. Sometimes I don't even have to wait until tomorrow for it to change because within the hour it can flip three or four times.
Now I tend to be someone who REALLY likes to have the right answer before doing or trying anything. I can make myself CRAZY trying to figure out what the right way to do something is before making a single decision. And usually my first response to any dilemma is to start with research. When faced with fears this morning, I started with research -- perusing a few recovery blogs I'm familiar with and looking for some postings on fear. I read people say that they are powerless over their fears and that they have to wait for their higher power to remove them. The particularly good writings (in my opinion) go on to say that in the meantime, they take action contrary to those fears.
Another person talked about faith being the answer to fears. Faith ... usually a trigger-word for me because I'm prejudiced against it based on its association with religion. So I looked up the word - a good starting point when I'm trying to translate. The definitions that made the most sense to me were 1) confidence or trust in a person or thing, and 2) belief that is not based on proof.
So if faith is a solution to my fears, then having confidence or trust in a person or thing is a solution to my fears; believing something without proof is a solution to my fears. How can I have faith with regard to my career situation? I can have confidence in me. I can trust me. I can believe that I can do this even if I don't have proof of that. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But I can also take it a step further, if I find that belief without proof is not plausible at the moment. I can have confidence in or trust those resources that I have in place - there are people I can talk to, from whom I can receive help if I ask. Perhaps I need to have confidence in them - trust them - to get me through this? Or maybe I can have confidence in myself or trust myself that, even if it doesn't work out, I will still be O.K. - I will find something else to do if necessary?
Of course, the more I write about faith, the more I think that the part about taking action is the essential component to combating my fears. When people say that they need to wait for God to remove a character defect and in the meantime, take action contrary to that character defect, I always wonder whether it ever occurs to that person that maybe, just maybe, it is the taking of the action that removes the character defect rather than God - that asking God to remove it is actually a non-essential part of the equation, and that taking the contrary action is what actually makes a difference. Of course it doesn't really matter -- if it works for them, great, and if I've figured out a way to make it work for me, even better. It's my hall monitor that wants to tell the other person that they're doing it all wrong and that it is my interpretation that is right. Oh, that pesky little hall monitor! Doesn't it know that nobody ever wants to be friends with the hall monitor??? At least, not for the right reasons.
Regardless, I can believe in myself all I want, I can believe in those who can help me, or I can simply believe without proof that I can do it ... but until I take some action, any action, that is contrary to my fears, I am stuck! I suppose I could have faith to the point of removing my fears, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like "thinking my way into right action" rather than "acting my way into right thinking", which my experience shows generally doesn't work. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to think my way into right action. I've always had to act first, and then the feelings changed later. My disease, on the other hand, tends to think first with actions to follow.
So after all this writing about what I can do about my fear and how I can face it in a "recovery" kind of way, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I just need to admit what my fear is, identify ONE thing I can do that is contrary to that fear, and JUST DO IT.
Hmmm. Do you suppose Nike would pay me for that plug??? Probably not - it's not particularly inspiring.
Basic Life Skills. Just do it.
Kind of makes you want to go climb a fourteener, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me neither.
So when I think about where my career might be headed, what I'm going to do with myself, how I'm going to pay the bills, sometimes I am filled with excitement and happiness - I can't wait to do this on my own, I can't wait to see where things go, I can't wait to get started, I'm just chomping at the bit to get going! And other times I wonder, what the f*&% am I doing?!?!?!?!?! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!!! And on any given day, I never know which side of the coin I'm going to be on. Sometimes I don't even have to wait until tomorrow for it to change because within the hour it can flip three or four times.
Now I tend to be someone who REALLY likes to have the right answer before doing or trying anything. I can make myself CRAZY trying to figure out what the right way to do something is before making a single decision. And usually my first response to any dilemma is to start with research. When faced with fears this morning, I started with research -- perusing a few recovery blogs I'm familiar with and looking for some postings on fear. I read people say that they are powerless over their fears and that they have to wait for their higher power to remove them. The particularly good writings (in my opinion) go on to say that in the meantime, they take action contrary to those fears.
Another person talked about faith being the answer to fears. Faith ... usually a trigger-word for me because I'm prejudiced against it based on its association with religion. So I looked up the word - a good starting point when I'm trying to translate. The definitions that made the most sense to me were 1) confidence or trust in a person or thing, and 2) belief that is not based on proof.
So if faith is a solution to my fears, then having confidence or trust in a person or thing is a solution to my fears; believing something without proof is a solution to my fears. How can I have faith with regard to my career situation? I can have confidence in me. I can trust me. I can believe that I can do this even if I don't have proof of that. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But I can also take it a step further, if I find that belief without proof is not plausible at the moment. I can have confidence in or trust those resources that I have in place - there are people I can talk to, from whom I can receive help if I ask. Perhaps I need to have confidence in them - trust them - to get me through this? Or maybe I can have confidence in myself or trust myself that, even if it doesn't work out, I will still be O.K. - I will find something else to do if necessary?
Of course, the more I write about faith, the more I think that the part about taking action is the essential component to combating my fears. When people say that they need to wait for God to remove a character defect and in the meantime, take action contrary to that character defect, I always wonder whether it ever occurs to that person that maybe, just maybe, it is the taking of the action that removes the character defect rather than God - that asking God to remove it is actually a non-essential part of the equation, and that taking the contrary action is what actually makes a difference. Of course it doesn't really matter -- if it works for them, great, and if I've figured out a way to make it work for me, even better. It's my hall monitor that wants to tell the other person that they're doing it all wrong and that it is my interpretation that is right. Oh, that pesky little hall monitor! Doesn't it know that nobody ever wants to be friends with the hall monitor??? At least, not for the right reasons.
Regardless, I can believe in myself all I want, I can believe in those who can help me, or I can simply believe without proof that I can do it ... but until I take some action, any action, that is contrary to my fears, I am stuck! I suppose I could have faith to the point of removing my fears, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like "thinking my way into right action" rather than "acting my way into right thinking", which my experience shows generally doesn't work. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to think my way into right action. I've always had to act first, and then the feelings changed later. My disease, on the other hand, tends to think first with actions to follow.
So after all this writing about what I can do about my fear and how I can face it in a "recovery" kind of way, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I just need to admit what my fear is, identify ONE thing I can do that is contrary to that fear, and JUST DO IT.
Hmmm. Do you suppose Nike would pay me for that plug??? Probably not - it's not particularly inspiring.
Basic Life Skills. Just do it.
Kind of makes you want to go climb a fourteener, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me neither.
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