finding my voice

Estoy aqui!!!

(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)

Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...

I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)

Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.

Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!

So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).

I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???

But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...

This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").

But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.

Tradition 2 says:

For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)

So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.

What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!

But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.

It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.

I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.

Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!

the neglected stepchild

I used to say when I was in school that each semester, I always had at least one neglected stepchild - that one class I was taking that I would just never seem to have time to work on and in which I was always behind. I always had the best intentions of catching up - it never had anything to do with whether I liked the class or whether the class was hard - rather, it was about whether there were any expectations of me. If there were due dates or tests or papers or participation requirements, then I would not neglect the class. But if the only requirement of me was to come to class, or even less, take some test at the end of the semester, then that class was at risk of becoming the neglected step child.

I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.

Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!

So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.

It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!

O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.

But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.

would you like fries with that?

So I was looking for the story in the Big Book where it talks about praying daily for those you resent for 2 weeks to make a resentment against them go away ... I thought perhaps I could translate it in such a way that I could use it to make a resentment go away that I've been nursing for weeks now (months, really). I was looking at the online Big Book, since I'm too lazy to get up and go into the other room where my Big Book is, but I couldn't seem to find it. I did come across this line, however, in the story My Bottle My Resentments and Me:

But these resentments eased with time as I began to comprehend my own defects of character.

The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???

But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?

The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)

Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.

So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."

And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.

Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.

Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.