more inventory

I have noticed that attending any event or meeting that requires a good amount of translation for me, especially if I am particularly tired, always leaves me feeling ... overwhelmed. Sad, even. I don't begrudge any believer his or her beliefs, but I just wish that there were more people around me with similar beliefs (i.e. non-beliefs) to mine. It would be nice to have someone to direct my questions to who has already been through this and/or figured it all out already. But I know that it is the "figuring out" that makes my program stronger. [\whine]

So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.

A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.

On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.

Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."

One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.

Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!

Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.

But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!

Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).

At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.

That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!

Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.

For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.

For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.

For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.

For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.

For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.

For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.

And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.

inventory

I've been doing a lot of research on inventory lately - reading, listening to speakers about it, etc. I know what a critical part of recovery and program it is. Without inventory, I simply cannot be honest, because the disease in my head keeps me from it. The ONLY way for me to truly be free is to took inside myself, write it down, and admit it to someone else. That's what the Big Book tells me, and that's what my experience tells me. I have been amazed in the past, and will probably continue to be amazed, at just how big, scarey and awful something can feel inside, and at just how small and insignificant that same something can feel when I've written it down on paper and admitted it to someone else. The tricky part is, getting it out on paper and telling someone, since it is still at the big/scary/awful phase when that has to happen.

I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.

Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.

Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.

Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.

Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.

Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.

But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!

My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)

So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.

Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.

The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.

So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.

I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.

autonomously, with harmony

The Fourth Tradition:

Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole.

I find that there are four prongs to the fourth tradition ... 1) I have to be autonomous; 2) I have to let other people be autonomous; 3) In my autonomy, I can't go so far as to affect the group as a whole; and 4) In letting other people be autonomous, I have a duty to speak up when their autonomy is affecting the group as a whole (affecting the group as a whole, not just me - see #2).

One of my favorite visuals, which came from a pre-school teacher, is the concept of a bubble. Everyone has a bubble around them, and it is my duty to stay inside my bubble and to keep myself out of other people's bubbles.

My bubble is my personal space - my business, my life, me. I have to maintain my bubble. Sometimes this means that I have to work really hard to be an independent person - making my own decisions because they are the right decisions for me, not because I think it is a decision that someone else wants me to make, or because I think it will make someone else happy (or even just "not mad at me"). It means that I have to be self-governing ... choose what I want to do, follow up with myself and keep myself on track. This is a responsibility that I have in order to be a fully-functioning individual in recovery. I have to keep pressure on the inside walls sufficient to hold my bubble shape, whatever shape it is that I might choose.

But like everything else in recovery, there is a balance to be found! I have to be autonomous, except in matters affecting the group as a whole. This means that my bubble can't be so big that it's popping or squishing other people's bubbles. It means that I can't harm others; that I can't limit other people's options; that I have to consult my higher power (in this particular case, it is either my conscience or the twelve traditions) before I make a decision. It also means that I have to be flexible in my decision making - because when I want something, I can't just bulldoze ahead. Sometimes what I want is not something I can have ... not if I want to be in recovery, that is. Not if I want to live a life that I consider to be worthwhile. It is independence with consideration.

I should note that above I said that I need to speak up when someone else is affecting the group as a whole, not when just affecting me. This is not entirely accurate, depending on how you classify it. If someone is poking at my bubble, I do have the responsibility to stop it - it is part of being autonomous. I have to either ask them to stop poking my bubble, or move my bubble out of poking range. As always, it is just about finding a balance - protecting my bubble while still allowing others to have theirs. My bubble is no more important, or less important, than anyone else's, and I can't expect other people to restrict their bubble just to make me more comfortable.

The trick, I think, is perhaps checking with another bubble owner (my sponsor) to see if what I'm perceiving is accurate - am I being poked? Is someone infringing on my reasonable bubble space? If so, then should I ask them to stop or just relocate my bubble so I can't be poked anymore? And if I ask them to stop and they don't, then I just move. I have to protect my bubble, but without damaging anyone else's - even if the other bubble is "in the wrong."

Unfortunately, protecting my own bubble is not always as easy as it may seem. Sometimes it can be one of the hardest challenges for me. Now, I can tell someone to take their poking-ass finger to someone else's bubble any day of the week, so long as the offender is not actually there in front of me. While I'm in the shower at home, for example, I can come up with a lengthy "let me tell you how it is" speech fit for royalty. But in person, in the moment, I often prefer not to say anything. (And that would be "prefer" in a "please don't make me" kind of way.) I can usually recognize when those times are (unfortunately after-the-fact), because those are the times that I find myself giving the speech in the shower (the day after).

Of course, equally important with keeping my own bubble in check, I also have to let everyone else have their own bubble. My fingers poking into another person's bubble will destroy their bubble, and if I don't respect other people's bubbles, how on earth can I expect to keep mine in tact???

This is also an area I often struggle with ... my tendency to poke other people's bubbles ... and usually I do it in the name of being "helpful." The fourth tradition lets me make my own mistakes - to learn from them and to grow from them. But inherent in the ability to make my own mistakes is letting other people make their own mistakes - to learn from them and grow from them.

Particularly important in this area is resigning from the Traditions Police Squad. The traditions are guidelines, not rules. I read somewhere (can't remember where) that with the traditions, "we are asked to be obedient to the unenforceable." There are few things that make my hall monitor more crazy than this! I'm supposed to obey something that no one else has to?!?!?!?!? Absolutely. Sucks, but it's true.

I just have to remember that I follow the traditions because I want to be the kind of person who does those kinds of things - I want to be a better person! (Not "better than", just "better.") I cannot aim to follow them because of what it is going to get or do for me, and certainly not because following them will somehow make other people follow them. If those are my reasons, then I will never be satisfied because it will never work.

However, if I follow them simply because I want to be the kind of person who doesn't pop other people's bubbles, then it's totally obtainable. And obtainable is important when talking about goals. It may be a lofty goal at times, perhaps, but obtainable nonetheless. Because popping other people's bubbles, even if in an effort to prevent them from popping someone else's bubble, still pops bubbles.

And last but not least, I also have the responsibility to speak up if someone else is affecting the group as a whole. Not in a "traditions police" kind of way, but in a "speak up, say my peace, and then let them do as they may" kind of way. This is not as difficult for me as speaking up for myself, because I like to represent the little guy, but depending on the force against which I'm speaking, it can be difficult. I just have to remember that we are but only a sea of bubbles ... a pokey object in the area is dangerous for all! But I cannot make anything happen - I have a duty to make an honest effort, but not to succeed at all costs.

Ultimately, I really need practice in all of these areas - being autonomous, letting other people be autonomous, not affecting the group as a whole, and speaking up when I see the group as a whole being affected. The thrill is in the chase ... or in the float, perhaps, in the case of bubbles. Enjoy the float ... it's all there is.

better than surviving

The retreat ... it went well. Much better than last year, for sure! At the beginning, the speaker asked us all to identify our intentions for the weekend. I had absolutely no idea! By that point, I was just happy to be arriving without dreading it. So I said that my intention was to know what my intentions are by the end of the weekend. That was the best I could come up with. But by the end of the weekend, I realized that my intention for the weekend was just to see where I was at - I had a vivid recollection of what last year's experience was, I had recognized what I had been working on for the last year, and I could finally put it all to the test.

Granted, this year's speaker was completely different than last year's and there was not the continuous religious undertones. Still, I always run into other people who are very religious, and there was sufficient information to have some idea of what the speaker's religious viewpoint was. (Nevermind that I am probably hypersensitive to religious undertones just because it can be quite a trigger for me.) But nonetheless, it didn't bother me at all. I was able to hear people's religious views, and even hear a story from the bible, and it did not bother me. I could actually see beyond the specific content of the story and get the bigger picture - the moral of the story, just as I would when I hear Little Red Riding Hood. It was actually great to see that everything I've worked on for the past year absolutely 100% works for me, and that I am exactly where I need to be. It felt really good to be able to see that with such clarity.

Interestingly enough, I didn't even realize that I was looking for or needing that kind of confirmation. Sometimes I do feel doubtful - about my program, about how I interpret things - that dreaded sense of "I'm doing it wrong!" It is easy to do - part of it is my perfectionism (always thinking I could do it better, or never being able to live up to my own unrealistic expectations). But another part of it is falling victim to comparing my insides to other people's outsides. When I see other people laughing and having a good ol' time, clearly (from my perspective) exceeding in their recovery goals, I start to think ... I don't feel like that! I'm not exuberant and manic and "filled with Christ's love" ... maybe I'm doing it wrong! Maybe I will truly never have what they have because I'm not willing to do what they do ...

And the insecurities creep in ...

Which only exacerbates the feelings, because then my recovery feels even more shakey, and everyone else's looks even more secure.

etc. etc. etc.

So without even realizing it, I was looking for some form of confirmation this year. And I got it.

Is my recovery perfect? Obviously not. But it's mine, and that is the best part about it. I'm not pretending to believe anything I don't really believe. I'm not sitting around waiting for anyone or anything else to do stuff for me or to make me feel any particular way. When I'm having a bad day or a bad week, I can thankfully look right at myself and say "do something about it!" or "what do you expect when you do nothing?!?!?" How nice not to have to look up into the sky and never wonder or think, "why are You ignoring me?" or "why do You do for others what you won't do for me?"

The hardest part is when I have doubts - but I imagine that this is the same struggle that anyone would have, believer or non. How can it be any different to doubt God when you believe than it is to doubt not believing when you don't? As with everything else in program, our similarities far exceed our differences. But sometimes, like a chihuahua, I feel like I have such a teeny-tiny part in things - like I have to make a whole lot of noise in order to ever be noticed - like if my voice (as an agnostic) isn't heard, then it won't really exist. Do I worry that my nonbeliever will get trampled if the believers don't know I'm here???

GROWL!! BARK!! Stop using your religious words or I will get trampled and hurt! GROWL!! SNAP!! BARK!!

Validation seems to be what I want more than anything, and unless others accept and/or agree with my perspective of things, then I fear it has no value. Except the value is in what I receive and sometimes I forget that. I'm not a chihuahua in a pack of great danes, so I can probably put the claws and teeth away.

one year anniversary ... albeit a little late

So I just realized that I started this blog just over a year ago - one year ago from September, actually. But what made me suddenly realize this is that I am going to a weekend retreat this weekend and last Saturday I was thinking about how I just was not looking forward to this year as I normally do but I was not sure why. Then someone dear to me said something along the lines of, "whenever I go to a recovery event, I always get something out of it - even when I do not like the speaker, I always find that my strong dislike for something usually means that there is something I need to look at in that area."

Which made me realize that perhaps the reason I was not looking forward to going this year is because last year, I really didn't care for the speaker - that I had actually left the retreat thinking perhaps I should just quit program altogether because there really is just no way to separate the religion from program.

And what came from that???

I spent the last year fine-tuning and working my program in a way that I never had! I researched and wrote and read and thought and considered and talked and listened ... I found a way to separate the religion from program and made program work for me. It's almost like I spent the entire last year working on step 2.

Of course my inner know-it-all is whispering in my ear that one year is a really long time to spend working just that one step!!! But I'm ignoring her today, because today I realize that the thought of quitting program is not something that I would even consider. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes at all the crazies at the meetings (religious zealots, or even just mentally ... slower? more challenged? whatever...) and I think that it would be really nice not to have to deal with them anymore. But I never seriously consider it, and more importantly, the thought to abandon the "12-step way of life" altogether NEVER enters my mind. I have finally found a higher power that really works for me, albeit ever-evolving.

In fact, it is the "ever-evolving" that has been key. My acceptance of not having to create a precise, "one size fits all" definition has been instrumental. I have been able to redefine my higher power so it fits each situation, which makes everything translatable and allows me to separate the religion from my program. Because if I have to resolve the issue of religion in order to recover, I am capital-S screwed! Plus, it allows my inner skeptic to sleep at night, which is most important because I get very crabby when my inner skeptic doesn't get enough sleep! :)

But I can definitely say that in the last year, I have made progress, and that is a success! As the Big Book says, "No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. The principles we have set down are guides to progress."

It's easy for me to get caught up in where I think I should be, what I'm not doing, how I'm not good enough, not perfect, etc. But if I look at things from the perspective of where I've come and how much I've achieved, then it's a completely different view. The trick, I think, is reconciling the two - finding the balance of not "resting on my laurels", but not chastising myself for my shortcomings.

Perhaps I need to take the focus away from myself - that self-evaluation, whether it be positive or negative, is just self-centeredness, right? Rather than self-evaluate, I could be focusing on the principles of the program (i.e. turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power). But the devil's advocate in me wants to say, I'm just taking personal inventory! And yet again, it comes back to finding the balance - between taking personal inventory and dwelling in self-centered self-evaluation. And inherent in my disease is that tendency to live in extremes - all or nothing. Does that mean that too much recovery is bad??? One could make oneself crazy thinking about it all too much!

Ultimately, I think it is the finding of the balance - the detective work - that life is all about. It's not about finding all of the answers so I can finally start living ... the finding of the answers is the living!

So I guess I conclude with this ... I am mostly excited for this weekend, except for having to leave the pooches at home - they really are my kids and I'll miss them! All of the dread that I had last week has completely subsided. I take comfort in knowing that I've made good progress in this past year, and it will be interesting to see what I'll be writing next year about everything I've figured out and done since this weekend.

And for a little humor ... if you haven't seen this before ...
Mr. Deity and the Evil. I just love all of the Deity skits - hilarious! :)

Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll check back in after my weekend-o-recovery. (Oh, and since I'll be away for the weekend, I'm turning off comment moderation ... hopefully I won't regret that ...)

long overdue

I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!

I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...

Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!

But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.

Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.

So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)

Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.

But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.

It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.

I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.

Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.

Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.

Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.

I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!

thanks for asking

I actually started this post quite some time ago ... September 21st I think it said. I had intended to type up my notes from when I spoke (see below), but then I just didn't get around to it - partially because it has been crazy busy at work with my co-worker on vacation, and partially because ... I'm not sure. It just didn't happen I guess. So I've updated what I can (in parentheses) and I will try to post my notes on traditions 4-6 (see below) hopefully sometime this weekend ...

Thanks to those of you checking to see how I'm doing, etc. After a few days on my new meds, I was feeling better, but then a big front came through and I had a set back. I'm definitely thinking that the meds are not going to help as much as I'd first hoped, but I'm still significantly better than I was right before starting them. (Hopefully I'll be able to get re-checked next week and see if they can find anything else out.) The jury is still out, unfortunately, but at least functionally, I have much improved. :)

Let's see ... program ... what can I write about program ...

I spoke at a local recovery event on the traditions this past weekend (a couple of weekends ago, now) and it was pretty cool I thought. For starters, I wasn't sure how many people would even attend, given that it was based on the traditions. I often used to deeply sigh when I would go to a meeting and the topic would be "tradition ___". Ugh. Who wants to discuss the traditions??? And I've heard many-a-times that "no one cares about the traditions until one gets broken."

There is a lot of truth to that, actually ... at least as far as the traditions as they apply to meetings, but as applied to everyday life, that is a completely different story! They are far more interesting and relevant when coming from that perspective, which was the entire point of the event this weekend, and a big part as to why I am so passionate about them. We had four speakers, each one covering three traditions, and we specifically talked about how we apply each of the traditions to our daily lives. I was four through six.

(And this is as far as I got ... here's to a stellarly productive weekend where I can actually get a little more written. Oh, and I would just like to say another SUPER THANKS to all those who update their blogs more regularly! I love to read them and someday I hope I can be a better, more regular poster.)

mary poppins

Well, my tests came back ... "practically perfect in every way." I have always tested well though. The one thing that was slightly off was my thyroid, so I started some new meds on Friday which may or may not be the miracle cure I'm needing. Here's hoping for "may"! But at least the long weekend gave me some much needed rest.

I had a sponsee ask me this weekend, "how do you take step 3?" She understood it conceptually, but struggled in its application. I told her that it's difficult to really put it into words, but the best way for me to describe how I do it is to apply it to specific situations, like I do with the serenity prayer (identifying the things I cannot change, identifying the things I can, and then taking action towards changing what I can and accepting what I cannot). We talked about various decisions she is faced with each day and how she can pause and ask herself before any of them, "what would God want me to do?"

I suggested possibly posting sticky notes in various places to remind her - in the car, "how would God want me to drive?" At work, "how would God want me to handle this?" She recognized that when she bothered to consult, she almost always knew what the answer was - the difficult part is remembering to consult! Slowing down or stopping long enough to even think about the options.

Of course I don't have a God with a preference of what I should or should not do - no "body" for me to ask what to do. So for me, I look inside, towards my conscience or my inner wiseguy, for direction. What's the best direction to go? What should I do? Better yet, I can ask "what would a healthy, sane person do?" or "what would a recovered person do?" The key to step 3 is remembering to ask - making it a habit to pause before acting. And I know that when I sincerely pause and consult, I know what the right answer is. Usually. On the rare occasion that I don't, then I've learned that the answer is "I don't have to decide yet." No answer is the answer!

I must say, I love sponsoring. Even when I hate it, I still love it. It keeps me connected to program and it keeps me in the steps and in recovery.

absenteeism

I am still here, although I have not been blogging ... I've started a few entries but not been able to finish them. I've been having a lot of trouble with pain in my hands and wrists, which makes typing difficult, to say the least. After doing the amount necessary to get through my work, blogging becomes an impossible task. However, I've been to the doctor and they ran some tests - hopefully I'll not only get some answers soon about what the heck is wrong, but also some useful treatment and pain relief as well!

I suppose I could attempt to do some shorter stuff ... but I've never been particularly good at keeping things short and simple. :) This will be my first attempt, and I promise to make more efforts at both shorter and simpler! And I'll keep you posted on my test results ...

random observations

I've been working on and off on another post for quite some time now and just can't seem to get it done, so I thought perhaps I'd just start something new. Obviously that other one just wasn't coming to fruition. Who knows ... maybe one day it will just seem like the perfect thing for me to write about and I'll finish it. Until then, it can just stay in "unpublished status" and I'll move on to the "next right thing."

It seems as though I've moved in to a listening stage of recovery - reading other blogs, but not having anything to post about myself; listening at meetings but not having anything to share about myself. I'm not sure where this silence comes from - I'm not generally someone who is at a loss for words! But sometimes I think I just feel a little dry - like I just don't have any insight to give. Of course the avid programmer (i.e. recovery, not computer programmer) would say that if I don't feel like I have any insight to give, then I'm dropping that 11th step ball and failing to continue through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of program, seeking only knowledge of program and the ability to carry it out in my life. And that avid programmer would be right!

It's interesting - working a program of recovery for me tends to be quite cyclic - I wonder if others experience the same thing? I go for awhile feeling like there is so much new stuff to learn and never enough time in which to learn it all, and then I start feeling like I've seen or heard it all before and it's just a waste of my time to see or hear it all again. In reality, nothing's changed except my attitude. With the former, I'm grateful for what is available and for the opportunity to get to learn it, and with the latter, I'm ungrateful, self righteous and full of self importance. Hmmmm. Selfishness and self centeredness ... that is the root of my troubles.

I had the opportunity to visit a man in jail today - he is an addict who will likely be spending the rest of his life in a very small box with bars. And he feels awful about what has happened - awful about what he has done to himself, what he has done to his wife, and what he has done to his family. There is definitely some self pity, of course, but there is also a geniuine grief about where his life has gone and what he has lost all in the name of drugs.

The story begins like so many others - he got into drugs. Then he got arrested. Then he relapsed and got into drugs again. Then he got arrested. Then he relapsed and got back into drugs. Then he got arrested. Then he got three-strikes, and that's pretty much where the game ends.

I just felt so bad for him - the addict in him, not the criminal in him. As we reviewed the evidence against him, he just kept tearing up about what he had done. Remorse. Just like every other addict in the world. Confusion about how and when the disease managed to take over his life again. "I was doing alright up until that last time..."

Isn't that always the case?

I was doing alright up until ...

I guess perhaps that's what living in recovery really boils down to ... taking a hard look at what constitutes "alright," and being on the lookout for the "up until."

That's all I've got for tonight ... as always, I will try to do better and try to post more often. That just might become my Walter Cronkite closing line - They say everyone should have one. (That would be the capital-T "they" ... the very powerful, all-knowing collective "they" ... but that's a whole different post.)

the only requirement

Hello, again. Me, again.

So I was doing some reading on Tradition 3, in my new-found motivation to ... I don't know ... participate in recovery??? I am a much nicer person when participating in recovery. Anyway ...

Tradition 3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to ...

I've often heard this tradition abbreviated as, "I belong because I say I belong." Most of what I read was very meeting specific - as in, the only requirement to be in program is a desire to stop. The thought occurred to me that it is pretty significant that Tradition 3 does NOT say that the only requirement for recovery is a desire to stop. I think that's because "wanting it" is simply never enough. I can want it all day long and it doesn't mean squat. And maybe that's because generally, what you get is in direct correlation to what you put in. If all you ever put in is just a desire to stop, then all you're going to get is membership. But if you want recovery, then you've got to put in the 12-step footwork.

Which brings me to the other thought I had. I often hear people say that they love this tradition because it means they always have a place to go, or no one can kick them out and make them leave, etc. Or as applied to my actions, I can't kick anyone else out or deny anyone else membership based on my judgments of them.

But, from an alternative perspective ...

I think that with every tradition comes both a right and a responsibility. I have a right to be a member, and the only requirement to be a member is a desire to stop. But with that right comes the responsibility of desiring my membership. Now I don't think that the tradition itself actually imposes this responsibility, since to do so would actually violate the tradition, wouldn't it? But in order to truly receive the benefits of the traditions, that's where the responsibility comes into play - similar to the "you get what you put into it" theory. If you take on the responsibilities that stem from the traditions, you get so much more.

So how do I do this???

Well, what would it look like if I desired my membership? I suppose that if I really desired my membership, I would treat it as the life-saving factor that it is. I would want to participate in it daily. I would want to learn as much as I could about the principles of the program and the steps and the traditions. I would want to work the steps and practice the traditions and the principles of the program. I would want to go to meetings and to talk to newcomers about the benefits I have received. I would want to sponsor, and to be sponsored. I would want to do service; read the literature. I would want to work really hard at being the best member I can be, knowing full well that I will never be (and cannot be) the best member or the perfect member.

There are times when thinking about what I can "get" from a step or tradition is important - I get relief from my unhealthy desires when I work the steps; I get a clear conscience when I take care of my side of the street. But for me it's important to focus on what I need to do rather than what I'm going to get (probably because of that temperamental, bratty child living inside me.) So while it's great to know that nobody can kick me out, it's even better to know what I need to do to stay in and do well. After all, in all honesty, if someone were to tell me I was kicked out of program, I think I would most likely fight harder than ever to stay in! Nothing like telling stubborn-old-me what I can't have or what I can't do to make sure that I get it or do it! Hmmm .... the only requirement for membership is a refusal of membership by another member ... that might work!

Funny, because when I started this post, I was all about thinking how to apply this tradition to my life (as opposed to program specifically) - I was thinking about how I've been around long enough to "get" how the traditions apply directly in program, but when I apply them in my everyday life, that's what really makes a significant impact in my world. But that's not where it ended up going. Maybe I'll write more soon about applying this to non-program-type stuff, like work or homelife. I'm sure I've got plenty to say about that too!

By the way ... I just noticed today that now you can also read the AA 12&12 on the AA website! I always knew they had the Big Book, but having the 12&12 too is especially cool I think. Check it out!

dates

That last, LONG post was started on June 30th, but I didn't finish and post it until today - apparently it kept the date from when I started it. Sorry for the confusion!

finding my voice

Estoy aqui!!!

(Ironically, I've recently been trying to learn/improve my Spanish, since many of the people I work with speak Spanish and it would greatly improve my ability to serve a community which is substantially underserved - I took several years in junior high school, but nothing since - it is a challenge, to say the least.)

Anyway, I actually started this post a week ago, but forgot to finish it and post, so I'm going to finish now ...

I met with my sponsor this past weekend (which is now nearly 2 weeks ago), and it was good ... she says I need some alanon ... apparently all this resentment that I have regarding the teenagers in my life, and the way in which they're dealt with, is ... not normal ... not healthy. (I've actually found a way to be co-dependent over another person's co-dependence. Lovely.)

Not to mention, I live with an addict, and I work with addicts. Hmmmm. I love how the obvious can seem so NOT obvious to me sometimes! It's almost entertaining ... almost, only because it's still too fresh to be completely entertaining to me, but soon enough I will be able to laugh at it like I can generally laugh about all the other addict-type behaviors I've displayed in the past. I hope.

Sure, I can spot it in a second when it's somebody else, and yet when it's me ... well ... I'm just not as speedy, that's all!

So, my assignment, should I choose to accept it, was to read some alanon literature, and to do some sort of daily meditation in general to help me feel re-connected with my higher power (i.e. program).

I did a little, and then I did nothing for awhile, and then I did a little more. Wouldn't you know it? It actually made a bigger difference when I did a little than when I did nothing! Can you hear the sarcasm oozing from my print???

But let me just say, that I love the alanon 12 & 12 (& 12, since it also covers the concepts - do they call it the 12 & 12 & 12?). Maybe it is just because I'm "new" and just recently getting into it, but it seems to me to be a little less dripping in God talk than some literature can be, thus making "translation" issues further and farther between. Or, I just haven't known it long enough to apply my usual cynicism to it. Could be either. Regardless, I have found myself to be very fond of this book, particularly as it relates to my concept of a higher power when I'm using a program-related concept. That is, I find this book to almost act as a "how to" on using program as a higher power. Does that make sense? It did to me earlier ... Anyway ...

This morning I read about tradition 1, tradition 2, and step 4. Tradition 1 says:

Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

After reading Tradition 1, I realized that in seeking unity, I have to obtain a balance between finding my own voice, and hearing others' voices. My tendency is completely the opposite. I behave as though I have no voice - my objections and complaints all stay within the boundaries of my head, and my resentments, anger and fear build up inside like an oversized pressure cooker on legs. I feel and behave as though the only options are to get over it or to give in, and while there is some truth to that, it is not nearly as black & white in practice. I can speak my truth (after consulting with my conscience and determining what's mine - am I being petty? selfish? arrogant? self-righteous?), and then I can choose whether to participate (after consulting with my conscience and determining where I can best find unity - going along with it to keep peace, or walking away because I won't be able to play nice with others while "going along with it").

But I didn't realize until this morning just how trapped and frustrated I feel when I haven't made my voice heard! It's not so much about whether I'm getting my way, so much as it is that I feel that I have no voice - I have no say in the outcome, and thus must not have any value. When did "voice" become equivalent to "value"??? In my crazy brain it is! So I deprive myself of my voice, feel value-less, and then blame everyone else. Mmmmmm-kay.

Tradition 2 says:

For our group purpose there is but one authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

I needed to do a little translating with this one. For my life purpose, there is one authority - the 12 steps and 12 traditions. And how do I access that authority? When there is a group, it means that there has to be a group conscience - i.e. everyone gets a say, and the majority rules. Part of getting to have my voice heard is being willing to hear others' as well. And part of getting a say in the process means sometimes (often?) conceding to others' say in the process. The victim in me wants retribution though - for all those times that I didn't say anything and thus got my preferences trampled on all up one side and down the other. The victim wants payback! I should get to have my voice and get my way too! Since all those other times ... yeah, I know ... shut up, Victim. Get over it, Victim. (Would you like some cheese with that whine???)

So what if I don't like the majority rule? Well, see tradition one. Did I use my voice? If so, I can choose not to participate, but in practicing the principles, I have to make sure that I'm doing it for the right reasons - i.e. to obtain unity and not just to throw a fit and get my way. And I have to make sure that I'm behaving like an adult. More often than not, truly practicing the principles means participating even when I don't get my way. It's part of being an adult, and it's part of living in recovery.

What about when there's not a group and it's just me? Then it means that I have to consult my conscience, always taking into consideration the principles behind the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Often it means that I have to run it by someone else - my sponsor or someone else in program. Ultimately, I have to do what feels right. It's all I've got!

But the second half of tradition 2 is also important. When appropriate, I can lead and I can serve. I can NEVER govern. This is oh-so-important in my relationships at home, at work, anywhere. I can lead, and I can be lead. I can serve, but I must do it in a trustworthy way. I do NOT get to govern - no one is required to do things my way, and I am not entitled to try to get others to do so.

It is amazing to me how much I have NOT been following these traditions lately! I have not been using my voice and expressing my feelings. Screw unity - why should I aim for unity when no one hears me??? The answer is simple - no one hears my voice because I'm not using it. Now if I were using it and still not being heard, that might be a different problem, and with it, a different solution. But I don't use my voice, so I have to take responsibility and clean up my side of the street. I have a responsibility to use my voice and aim for unity - compromise when it is in the best interests of all. It will be much easier to stomach compromise when I know that I spoke up for myself.

I have also been trying to govern, which can be particularly difficult when one is not willing to use their voice. Imagine the rules and regulations I have passed and which no one is willing to follow ... oh, the discomfort when people stomple all over those carefully dictated rules and regulations! I think they're fair and just, but no one else even knows they exist, and quite frankly, they are not mine to pass anyways.

It can be a bitter pill to swallow when looking at one's own part in things ... but I know that it is worth it, because if I'm the problem, then the solution is obtainable.

Gosh, sorry for the long-winded post! As always, I will try to post more often - it would behoove me, since I obviously have so much to say!

the neglected stepchild

I used to say when I was in school that each semester, I always had at least one neglected stepchild - that one class I was taking that I would just never seem to have time to work on and in which I was always behind. I always had the best intentions of catching up - it never had anything to do with whether I liked the class or whether the class was hard - rather, it was about whether there were any expectations of me. If there were due dates or tests or papers or participation requirements, then I would not neglect the class. But if the only requirement of me was to come to class, or even less, take some test at the end of the semester, then that class was at risk of becoming the neglected step child.

I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.

Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!

So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.

It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!

O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.

But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.

would you like fries with that?

So I was looking for the story in the Big Book where it talks about praying daily for those you resent for 2 weeks to make a resentment against them go away ... I thought perhaps I could translate it in such a way that I could use it to make a resentment go away that I've been nursing for weeks now (months, really). I was looking at the online Big Book, since I'm too lazy to get up and go into the other room where my Big Book is, but I couldn't seem to find it. I did come across this line, however, in the story My Bottle My Resentments and Me:

But these resentments eased with time as I began to comprehend my own defects of character.

The thought occurred to me ... what is it about praying daily for someone whom you resent that makes the resentment go away? If it is in fact a deity God that achieves this, then someone like me is in trouble, unless I suppose this deity God would do it anyway, even if I don't believe. But what if I'm not even asking? Then am I screwed to stew in resentment always???

But there are plenty of people out there recovering who do not believe in a deity God and who do not pray - is there secretly a deity God that is doing it for them anyway? Or perhaps there is something other than a deity God that happens through the act of "praying daily" that changes a person?

The sentence I read from the Big Book (quoted above) made me think - perhaps it is just the refocusing of one's mind that eases the resentment. Perhaps when this guy began to look at his own crap, then the crap of the others he resented became less powerful. After all, that is what the 4th step is all about - list all your resentments and then identify your part in each of them - i.e. refocus your mind on yourself rather than on the other person and what he/she did or didn't do. (Of course then you've got to do something about it, which is what the remaining steps are about, but that's a whole different post.)

Anyway ... but what about "prayer" as a solution? Is "praying for someone daily" just an act of not focusing on my resentment? I think that it might be similar to focusing on gratitude rather than resentment - if I am struggling with resentments, I have found that it can be helpful to make a list of all the things in my life for which I am grateful. Of course there are times when I feel like I'd be willing to give it all up if I could just change that one little prickler that's pissing me off more than anything! Granted, I'm guessing that if I were actually given that option, I would probably not take it. But that doesn't seem to lessen the feeling that I'd like to, which makes the gratitude list less helpful.

So perhaps my struggle with resentments lately is in fact a lack of focus on my own stuff - a lack of focus on what I should be focusing on. That would make some sense - almost as if my brain physiologically has to be focusing on something at any given time ... "must focus on something ... anything ... I don't care what ... ah, here's something ... a nice little resentment to nurture and feed and water and huggle and snuggle ..."

And perhaps the mind of an addict has a particular preference for resentments over other kinds of thoughts ... perhaps they "go down" easier, or taste better ... like french fries might be preferable to carrots. They're definitely not as healthy, but the mind doesn't care because the resentment tastes better. And perhaps my job in recovery is to be constantly giving my brain lots of carrots to nibble on, so it doesn't get "hungry" and start looking for a good resentment to chew on.

Hmmm ... an interesting analogy. Not all that dissimilar from needing to be taking actions in order to stay out of my fear ... needing that spinach to chew on so my mind doesn't consume a triple bacon cheese burger instead.

Of course now I'm just hungry for lunch and it's only 10:30 in the morning. But perhaps I'll have to give it a try.

restless, irritable and discontent

That is the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling today - restless, irritable and discontent - such a perfect way to describe days like these and feelings like these. Sometimes I wonder, before program and before I knew the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent", how did I describe my feelings when I was feeling this way? I never would have used the words "restless," "irritable" or "discontent," but I am sure that I have felt this way MANY times in my life, and surely would have wanted to put words to those feelings. Maybe. Just one of those things, I guess - how did we ever live without cell phones? Answering machines? Microwave ovens? I don't know, but we did. And how I ever lived without the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent"? I don't know, but I did!

Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.

See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!

The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.

So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.

The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.

The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.

Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.

The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.

So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.

I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.

Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.

call 'em like you see 'em

I remember hearing someone share in a meeting once that it's important to call your character defects exactly what they really are, without sugar coating them with "nice names" that somehow make having them feel ... well ... cool or quirky or something. For example, having a "bad body image" is really just vanity. Or perhaps ungratefulness. Being a "people pleaser" is really just being a manipulator. Not able to set boundaries? More manipulation. Or perhaps laziness, depending on the situation. The point is, when I try to couch my character defects in couch talk (i.e. pop psychology terms), they don't seem as nasty and I'm not as motivated to do the work to remove them.

I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!

So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.

My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.

As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.

So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.

It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)

oldies but goodies

Once again, missing, missing, missing.

I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.

Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.

I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.

I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.

There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.

And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.

I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.

So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.

just do it

Sometimes I struggle with fears and insecurities, especially these days when faced with major career changes! But my fears and insecurities seem to have a bit of a personality disorder in that sometimes they are THERE, present and raging, and other times they are absolutely nowhere to be seen, and it's almost (almost) questionable whether they even exist. Bipolar fears maybe? Or maybe it's just the standard tendency of extremes that addicts often exhibit??? I'm sure.

So when I think about where my career might be headed, what I'm going to do with myself, how I'm going to pay the bills, sometimes I am filled with excitement and happiness - I can't wait to do this on my own, I can't wait to see where things go, I can't wait to get started, I'm just chomping at the bit to get going! And other times I wonder, what the f*&% am I doing?!?!?!?!?! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!!! And on any given day, I never know which side of the coin I'm going to be on. Sometimes I don't even have to wait until tomorrow for it to change because within the hour it can flip three or four times.

Now I tend to be someone who REALLY likes to have the right answer before doing or trying anything. I can make myself CRAZY trying to figure out what the right way to do something is before making a single decision. And usually my first response to any dilemma is to start with research. When faced with fears this morning, I started with research -- perusing a few recovery blogs I'm familiar with and looking for some postings on fear. I read people say that they are powerless over their fears and that they have to wait for their higher power to remove them. The particularly good writings (in my opinion) go on to say that in the meantime, they take action contrary to those fears.

Another person talked about faith being the answer to fears. Faith ... usually a trigger-word for me because I'm prejudiced against it based on its association with religion. So I looked up the word - a good starting point when I'm trying to translate. The definitions that made the most sense to me were 1) confidence or trust in a person or thing, and 2) belief that is not based on proof.

So if faith is a solution to my fears, then having confidence or trust in a person or thing is a solution to my fears; believing something without proof is a solution to my fears. How can I have faith with regard to my career situation? I can have confidence in me. I can trust me. I can believe that I can do this even if I don't have proof of that. Easier said than done? Perhaps. But I can also take it a step further, if I find that belief without proof is not plausible at the moment. I can have confidence in or trust those resources that I have in place - there are people I can talk to, from whom I can receive help if I ask. Perhaps I need to have confidence in them - trust them - to get me through this? Or maybe I can have confidence in myself or trust myself that, even if it doesn't work out, I will still be O.K. - I will find something else to do if necessary?

Of course, the more I write about faith, the more I think that the part about taking action is the essential component to combating my fears. When people say that they need to wait for God to remove a character defect and in the meantime, take action contrary to that character defect, I always wonder whether it ever occurs to that person that maybe, just maybe, it is the taking of the action that removes the character defect rather than God - that asking God to remove it is actually a non-essential part of the equation, and that taking the contrary action is what actually makes a difference. Of course it doesn't really matter -- if it works for them, great, and if I've figured out a way to make it work for me, even better. It's my hall monitor that wants to tell the other person that they're doing it all wrong and that it is my interpretation that is right. Oh, that pesky little hall monitor! Doesn't it know that nobody ever wants to be friends with the hall monitor??? At least, not for the right reasons.

Regardless, I can believe in myself all I want, I can believe in those who can help me, or I can simply believe without proof that I can do it ... but until I take some action, any action, that is contrary to my fears, I am stuck! I suppose I could have faith to the point of removing my fears, but to me that sounds a little bit too much like "thinking my way into right action" rather than "acting my way into right thinking", which my experience shows generally doesn't work. Rarely, if ever, have I been able to think my way into right action. I've always had to act first, and then the feelings changed later. My disease, on the other hand, tends to think first with actions to follow.

So after all this writing about what I can do about my fear and how I can face it in a "recovery" kind of way, the thought occurs to me that perhaps I just need to admit what my fear is, identify ONE thing I can do that is contrary to that fear, and JUST DO IT.

Hmmm. Do you suppose Nike would pay me for that plug??? Probably not - it's not particularly inspiring.

Basic Life Skills. Just do it.

Kind of makes you want to go climb a fourteener, doesn't it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Me neither.

use it or lose it

I'm a sponsor - I've got three sponsees - and two of them actually got resentful at me (and admitted it to me) in the last couple of weeks for doing my sponsorly duties (i.e. calling them on their crap). What can I say? It kind of comes naturally to me, and I've got to hand it to both of them - it takes guts to literally subject your program to rigorous cross examination on a regular basis. So anyway, in my sponsorly way, I directed each of them to look inside themselves and find out what it was in them that was making them resentful at me.

But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.

Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.

So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.

But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.

And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)

Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."

So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.

And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.

Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.