the neglected stepchild

I used to say when I was in school that each semester, I always had at least one neglected stepchild - that one class I was taking that I would just never seem to have time to work on and in which I was always behind. I always had the best intentions of catching up - it never had anything to do with whether I liked the class or whether the class was hard - rather, it was about whether there were any expectations of me. If there were due dates or tests or papers or participation requirements, then I would not neglect the class. But if the only requirement of me was to come to class, or even less, take some test at the end of the semester, then that class was at risk of becoming the neglected step child.

I am still this way today. At work, at home, in program, in my personal life, and with my personal relationships, I operate on an "as needed" basis - or perhaps as more accurately described, on a "squeaky wheel gets the grease" basis.

Funny thing - I absolutely *hate* functioning in this manner. What I would really like to be is a really organized, pro-active, go-getter kind of person. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be this person I so wish that I was. I get tired of re-acting rather than acting. Hmmm ... where have I heard that before??? Could it be in the Big Book??? That as addicts, we spend our lives re-acting rather than acting? That recovery is all about learning to act rather than re-act? Yes, I'm sure I've heard that somewhere before!

So I have been extremely busy with work lately, which is great since my employment situation has been somewhat vicarious these days, and thanks to an amazing opportunity that has presented itself to me, it is likely to continue. Hence this blog and quite frankly, program in general, becoming the neglected stepchild. A classic example of being too busy living my life to pay homage to that which has allowed me to live my life - program.

It is a dangerous place to live, and I know that! I've been around long enough to know these things. And yet, just as we addicts like to do - I do it anyway. I am the adult playing in the middle of the busy road, knowing full well what the consequences are for being so careless. I'll probably even point out to all the children, and even likely another adult or two, that one should NEVER play in the middle of the road, busy or not! Because one never knows what might happen!

O.K. - so, I am doing well, for the most part ... but thanks for squeaking Miss Carol! I really do appreciate the reminder that I need to "grease" my blog and my program. I am enjoying myself in the work arena, but I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had written anything or even really done much more with program other than the bare minimum of going to meetings and talking with sponsees when contacted. Truly, being an addict can be entertaining on good days, and torturous on bad days. I am thankful for the good days, as well as for the memory of the bad ones, when I bother to take the time to remember them.

But it is definitely time for me to put a little fire under my recovery, lest it otherwise become more permanently my neglected stepchild. Because as an addict, my neglected stepchildren tend to become that person in the clock tower, with an automatic weapon, open-firing.