planned disappointments

I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.

I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.

I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).

That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!

Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!

So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.

I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.

I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.

I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.

That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.