christmas spirit

Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.

I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.

I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.

The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.

In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.

It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).

That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.

(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)