all or nothing

I actually started this quite awhile ago, but apparently never finished it and posted it. Despite my general lack of required destination Monday through Friday between 8am and 6pm, my posting has nonetheless been very sparse! So I will just finish what I started for today, and make valiant efforts to be more present in the days to come. (Haven't I said that before???)

I was reading on one of the blogs that I follow the following quote from the Big Book:

“we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” (4th ed., 53)

It made me ponder ... God is everything or God is nothing ... those are my options. Where do I stand? I mean, truly, if I have to say EVERYTHING or NOTHING, how can I not say "nothing"? I certainly don't think that God is everything - I'm not even sure if I believe in God! I lean towards the idea that I don't, but I guess I have enough religious upbringing in me to have sufficient superstition that makes me unable to say "there is NO God". But if I'm unwilling to say "God is everything," then according to the Big Book, I am saying "God is nothing" and am doomed to a life without recovery. Lucky me.

Of course page 46 says, "Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him." And page 47 says, "When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God." And "Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. At the start, this was all we needed to commence spiritual growth, to effect our first conscious relation with God as we understood Him."

So often I hear, in response to my expressed struggles with God (as so many program people seem to understand God), "but it's your own conception of God!" or "read We Agnostics - that is sooooo helpful." To which I respond, usually in my head but sometimes aloud, "have you actually read We Agnostics??? Not that helpful!!! Perhaps you didn't catch the ending, where it says, don't worry - you'll come around - we did!" Yeah - usually that response is in my head, unless I'm feeling particularly pissy. But I digress ...

I'm told that it can be my own conception, and yet sometimes I really have to question whether it can be. Can it??? Am I doomed to eventually have my recovery stripped away from me because my "however inadequate" conception turned out to be just inadequate enough to fail?

I had a minor "panic moment" this weekend, where I suddenly thought that there was no room for an absence of God in program when it comes to Steps 6 and 7. I know I've written about this before - "Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character" and "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" - how do you do this without a deity higher power? Who removes them? And if there's no Him (or Her), then what's a person to do? My first thoughts were that I'm screwed, there's no hope for me, program will just never work for me. Then I went on to think that I wished more than anything that someone (like Jim B.) had written a book for us agnostics - something to tell us what to do!

But right now I'm realizing that the problem isn't with program or how the steps are written - the problem is that I've started to lose my connection with my higher power! I've always defined my higher power as the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions, although more recently I've begun to think of my conscience (as guided by the twelve steps and twelve traditions) as a good definition for my higher power. And when I'm paying attention to this, and actually practicing the steps and traditions in my life -- especially step 11 (which I define as "continuing through study and meditation to improve my conscious awareness of the principles of the program, seeking only knowledge of those principles and ways in which to carry them out) -- then I don't doubt whether there is a place for me in program! I don't doubt whether it can be done, because I do it!

See, I find myself doubting whether it can be done these days, because I haven't been doing it, and nothing makes you wonder if it can be done like the fact that it isn't being done. I haven't been reading (and translating) literature, I haven't been writing here about how I translate and how I'm working it out in my life, and I haven't been spending any time really studying and thinking about the steps and traditions and how I can best apply them in my life. At least not much, I guess I should say, since obviously the doubt and insecurity comes from some thought about them, but obviously not enough, or else I wouldn't be feeling the doubt.

I have been working on sending a 10th step inventory daily to my sponsor via email. I'm definitely better at doing that today than probably I have ever been, but still I am falling short in the 11th and 12th step arena - where I study and think about the steps and traditions, and where I share what I learn about the steps and the traditions. I still wish that someone else had written a book for us agnostics - but oh well - I can sit around and complain that there hasn't been one written, all the while feeling miserable, or I can just simply work on the steps and traditions on a daily basis, try to come to as best an understanding of them as I can, and live in recovery. Today I chose recovery, tomorrow is undetermined, but fortunately I don't have to decide that one today.