use it or lose it

I'm a sponsor - I've got three sponsees - and two of them actually got resentful at me (and admitted it to me) in the last couple of weeks for doing my sponsorly duties (i.e. calling them on their crap). What can I say? It kind of comes naturally to me, and I've got to hand it to both of them - it takes guts to literally subject your program to rigorous cross examination on a regular basis. So anyway, in my sponsorly way, I directed each of them to look inside themselves and find out what it was in them that was making them resentful at me.

But on the inside, I found myself wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I being overly harsh? Demanding? Mean? Inappropriate? Of course not, I tell myself. She did this, and she did that, and that's just her character defect of dishonesty, or perfectionism or inability to set boundaries ... all I did was point her in the direction of looking at those things. She's got to learn how to look at what her part is in things.

Then the thought occurred to me ... to look inside myself and ask what it was in me that made their resentfulness at me bother me so much. Ugh.

So let's see - the obvious I suppose is that I want to be a good sponsor. No - scratch that - I want to be the best sponsor. Ever. I want to simultaneously kick ass, take names and bring home an oscar, all in the same evening. And I want them to love me while I'm doing it. I don't want to ever make any mistakes, and I want my sponsees to do better in the game than anyone else's sponsees. Of course, I don't want to be bothered too much by them, because that can just be annoying, so I suppose I want maximum performance with minimal efforts. I want them to need me and to follow my advice, but I don't want them to bug me too much or be too dependent.

But then I remember that I don't sponsor them for them - I sponsor them for me. I need to give away as much as I can, because that's the only way to keep it. Now from the Goddy perspective, I've heard it told that recovery is a gift from your higher power and in order to keep receiving it, you have to give it away. (Don't be selfish, Johnny, or I'll stop sharing my toys with you!) But in my possibly overly-simplistic not-so-Goddy, agnostic head, I think that maybe it's just as simple as "use it or lose it." If I don't practice using the steps and traditions as much as possible, I'm going to forget how to do them.

And I will too! I've seen me do it! How easy it can be to just start forgetting to look at my own side of things (I had a side??? But it was all his/her fault! He did this! She did that! All I did was innocently sit by the wayside and get trompled on! Oh, you mean I didn't have to sit there? But I thought I did. I always sit there. And nobody went out of their way to hand deliver me a personal invitation to change where I sit ...)

Where was I? Oh yeah - "use it or lose it."

So I can get all caught up in looking at other people's character defects and analyzing what he or she is or is not doing and use up every minute of my day paying attention to everyone else's stuff but mine. I can, but I won't be happy, because when I'm looking at how imperfect everyone and everything else is, all I do is get all irritated. The nerve! Of course when I spend my day paying attention to what I brought to the table - how I caused a situation or impacted a situation - well, then the world doesn't look so awful to me. Perhaps it's just easier to advocate for compassion rather than justice when I realize that I too am in the line to receive! If it's just everyone else, then I want justice, but if it involves me and my stuff, then compassion please and thank you.

And how often do I find myself saying to my sponsees exactly what I need to hear? Subconscious much??? I say to my sponsees, what is it in you that makes it bother you so much, and as soon as I say that to them, it is exactly that which I need to hear. Some call it a God thing. Me? Well, I think it's just a program thing. If you apply the same approach to all problems (that is, look at your own crap, clean up your own mess, change what you can, accept what you can't, live and let live), then what do you know? What you advise to another person for his or her problems is exactly what you need to hear for yours.

Of course if it's so damn simple, then why on earth would we have to keep working on it forever and ever??? Well, the kicker is that we have to keep telling others in order to remind ourselves to keep doing it. Because we're addicts, and addicts are really good at forgetting about what just bit them in the ass only moments before. Use it or lose it.