long overdue

I read an interesting blog this morning about how hard it is to get and stay sober - how much work it takes on a daily basis - nothing in and of itself completely overwhelming and "undoable," but when taken as a whole, then holy-mount-rushmore!

I have to say that I understand that kind of thinking. I mean really, when you look at anything in its entirety, it can be overwhelming. I've had days when just the thought of grocery shopping can be overwhelming - the thought of driving to the store, finding a place to park in a sea of vehicles that aren't paying attention to what they're doing prior to backing out into a lane that others are rushing down in hopes to get a close-up spot ... and then walking into the store, sometimes in cold and windy weather, sometimes in obnoxiously hot weather ... getting a cart and then having to walk up and down every friggin' isle, trying to avoid the crowds, having to work around other people trying to shop, finding the things I need to get for the week ... but I don't even know what I need sometimes ... and then when I've finally got everything, I have to wait in an impossibly long line, which always is the slowest moving one, no matter which one I pick ... watching a 15-year old kid bag my groceries, placing avocados on the bottom of the bag! Then I have to take everything that I just spent an hour putting into the cart, out of the cart and put it into my car, only to have to take it out again when I get home, and sort through again just to put it away ... stuff for the freezer, stuff for the fridge, stuff for the cupboard ...

Honestly, it makes me tired just thinking about it all!

But there's another way to look at it ... I can look at each little step as a complete task in and of itself ... all I have to do is drive to the store. At that point, I can simply turn around again and go home if it's too much.

Surprisingly enough, by the time I get to the store, going inside doesn't seem like that big of a task.

So I go in. All I have to do is grab a cart and start walking the isles. At any time, I can abandon cart and head home. No overwhelming commitment there! Just walk the isles. (Ignore the people, and walk the isles.)

Sometimes I have a list - that's great when I do - but sometimes I don't and that's O.K. too. I've never heard of anyone dying between weekly grocery visits because they didn't have enough to eat. Not to mention, there's no great cosmic rule against actually going to the grocery store more than once in a week! If I need something, I can always make a quick stop on my way home from work.

But when I get into that thinking that the entire trip is one gigantic ritual that must be done exactly-so, with no room to wiggle, change my mind, or do things slightly less-than perfect for once ... then I've created in my head the very thing that I fear, which is being overwhelmed and unable to complete my task.

It is amazing how much thinking can completely paralyze me - such a profound effect it has! And it is amazing how changing my thinking can change just about everything. When I spend my time thinking about what's bad in my life, I've just spent all of that time experiencing the bad - inside my head. But when I spend my time thinking about what's good in my life, then all of those moments thinking end up being a good experience for myself. I really do create my own experience, day by day, moment by moment.

I think that's why living in recovery has such a profound effect on my life - when I spend my days accepting what I can't change, changing what I can, being of service to others, doing the "next right thing", then I feel productive, helpful, "right." When I spend my time being kind to people, I feel like I'm a kind person, and that there is a lot of kindness in my world. How I behave to everyone surrounding me creates what I experience every day in my world.

Which makes me think about higher powers ... if someone believes and thinks about a wonderful, loving being that exists somewhere, taking care of everyone and everything, planning everything - if someone believes and thinks that everything happens for a reason and there are no mistakes (it's all "God's plan"), then based on everything I just wrote, that person's experience is going to be one of feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling taken care of - that person is going to look for the blessing in everything that occurs - the lesson in whatever bad might happen. If that is where a person's thoughts are, then that's their experience of the world. To a non-believer like me, I think, "that's all just self-created, not real" ... I think their experience is unauthentic because they just made it up in their head. But really, every experience any of us has is just whatever we make of it in our head.

Perhaps being spiritual is just the act of being aware of the thoughts you entertain - the effect you create for yourself and those you encounter.

Hmmmmm. Not at all what I had intended to write ... weird how that happens sometimes.

I still intend to do some writing on the traditions I spoke about a few weeks ago ... I still have my notes on them ... but apparently not today. Hope you all have a good weekend!