inventory

I've been doing a lot of research on inventory lately - reading, listening to speakers about it, etc. I know what a critical part of recovery and program it is. Without inventory, I simply cannot be honest, because the disease in my head keeps me from it. The ONLY way for me to truly be free is to took inside myself, write it down, and admit it to someone else. That's what the Big Book tells me, and that's what my experience tells me. I have been amazed in the past, and will probably continue to be amazed, at just how big, scarey and awful something can feel inside, and at just how small and insignificant that same something can feel when I've written it down on paper and admitted it to someone else. The tricky part is, getting it out on paper and telling someone, since it is still at the big/scary/awful phase when that has to happen.

I often listen to Mark and Dave (AA speakers I have found on xa-speakers.org). They can be a little overly religious for my own tastes at times, but I truly admire their passion for program and recovery, and I love their approach to inventory and working the steps. So much so, in fact, that I don't have much difficultly ignoring the religiousness when it comes out. I have learned a tremendous amount of things from listening to them, and decided this morning to sit down and really do some inventory on my prickliest thorns these days. What an eye-opening experience! I mean, there really isn't anything that I didn't know, but there is something different about putting it all on paper, in one spot, at the same time, for me to look at and to share with someone else.

Column 1 - "who" - this is usually the easiest part. When I did my first 4th Step, this was literally a list of pretty much everyone I could think of - my family, friends, employers (current and past), enemies, etc. If I could think of their name, I put them on the list. I didn't necessarily have something for the next column for every name, but that didn't matter - if I could come up with a name, I wrote it down. Now, however, I just write down whatever or whoever it is that's making me nuts. My thorns.

Column 2 - "why" - I wanted to call this the easiest part, but then I remembered that I already called Column 1 the easiest part. It's a close call which is easier. Column 1 is shorter, so it's going to win I guess. But writing down why I resent, hate, get annoyed by, or am angry with, whatever or whoever shows up in Column 1 is pretty easy to do. Sometimes I can't decide how specific I have to be in this column - do I give a general reason or do I list each and every thing that bothers me? Today I started with the general reason ("they exist"), but then I started listing each and everything that bothers me, only to discover that when I'm annoyed, it doesn't matter why, because it really is simply because they exist! Circular, I admit, but nonetheless helpful, because I realized that there isn't really anything these thorns can do that is going to make me happy. They truly are damned if they do, damned if they don't. And that was good information for me to have.

Also important from Column 2 came my recognition of triggers. These thorns often trigger things from my past that I found to be particularly painful back then. Because of this, every little defense mechanism I have in me goes into high alert when my insides start to suspect that I'm going to re-experience something from my past. And really, while perhaps some boundaries might be called for, nothing that these thorns are doing today is equivalent to what my insides are fearing. That also was good information for me to have.

Column 3 - "what" - this column used to baffle me, but I have found a new clarity to it that seems to make it easier to do. I used to have a hard time distinguishing between what something affects in me and what my part is in something. In addition, when attempting to use the terms from the Big Book (pocketbook, security, sex relations, personal relationship), I seemed to have a difficult time knowing what the differences between some of them were, and/or what relevance any of them had in doing my inventory. Now, however, I seem to recognize that identifying what is affected in me helps me identify what is hurting. It helps me figure out why, exactly, I feel so strongly about any particular thorn - what is it in me that is being pricked by this thorn.

Column 4 - "my part" - what I did to start it or allow it to get out of hand. This becomes a list of my character defects that need to be checked. However, I have to distinguish determining what I did wrong from assigning blame. Sometimes I really am actually to blame for something - perhaps I did something to someone that made them retaliate. Or perhaps it is just what I did to get myself into a particular situation, or even just exacerbate the situation.

But also, sometimes it isn't about blame at all, particularly if I'm the "victim" in the story. In this particular situation, I believe I have 2 options. One, perhaps my part is what I'm doing today to continue or further my victimization. For example, have I taken over for the original bad guy? Am I playing for myself old tapes in my head that someone else recorded years ago? If so, then that's my part!

My second option, according to the Big Book, is to think of those who have harmed me as spiritually ill, and to treat them or think of them, with tolerance, pity and patience. I have added to that list "empathy," because when the Big Book tells me to "pray for someone," I translate that to mean "find my compassion for them." So treating someone who has harmed me, with tolerance, pity, patience and/or empathy, is how I get past my resentment towards that person. Empathy is particularly helpful for me - where someone has abused me or mistreated me - I try to think of what kinds of terrible things have to happen to someone like that to make them want to harm someone in the way that they did. If I can feel pity or empathy towards that person, no matter how bad they are, then I am not feeling anger or resentment towards them. (It doesn't mean that I like them, or forgive them, or anything along those lines ... it just changes the focus so that I can move on.)

So back to my confusion between Columns 3 and 4 - I think my belief before was that if my self esteem was being affected, I thought that "my part" in that particular resentment was that my self esteem was being affected - either because my self esteem was too low, or perhaps that I was just allowing my self esteem to be bothered when it shouldn't have been, etc. But what I came to realize is that Column 3 is the "me" part after the resentment came into play, and that Column 4 is the "me" part before the resentment kicked in.

Both are important, because one makes me susceptible to harm ("my part" - what I do that results in other people harming me or pissing me off), and the other makes me susceptible to causing harm to others (what's affected in me - when my self esteem is affected, I get pissed off and lash out). So if I do a particular thing (Column 4), then a person (Column 1) may do something to me that I don't like and pisses me off (Column 2), which will affect my self esteem (Column 3), causing my character defects (Column 4) to flair up, which sends me right back to the beginning, engaging in character defect behavior (Column 4), resulting in people or things (Column 1) pissing me off (Column 2), hurting my whatever (Column 3), etc., etc., etc.

The way I get out of this perpetual craziness is to find my character defects and work really hard to behave opposite to them. This is particularly difficult when in the midst of the resentment or anger, but I have to be WILLING to do it, even though I don't want to. My instinct is to try to treat, fix or change my Column 3, but that is treating the symptom of the problem rather than the cause of the problem. And left untreated, the cause will continue to do what it does best, which is cause the problem, while I'm trying to stop the leak by scooping out the water with a bucket.

So the leak ... that's my character defects ... that's what I get to when I finally answer the question "where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?" That's where I run into my inner two-year-old brat - the one who "doesn't wanna." The one who doesn't wanna share (selfish), won't tell the truth or likes to play pretend (dishonest), tries to take the other kids lollipop or toy (self-seeking) and is scared of monsters or just the dark in general (frightened). Sometimes I think I forget about the little brat - the hall monitor I see often, and the know-it-all as well, but the little brat ... well, she's a sneaky one! And yet quite frankly, perhaps the root of all evil.

I'm feeling a little bit like Sybil now, having just discovered a personality I hadn't previously put a name to. And to have it be a 2-year-old brat at that ... isn't that just the icing on cake?!?!? Never been a huge fan of children, and perhaps this is why ... those things I dislike the most in other people are often mirrors of my worst defects.