more inventory

I have noticed that attending any event or meeting that requires a good amount of translation for me, especially if I am particularly tired, always leaves me feeling ... overwhelmed. Sad, even. I don't begrudge any believer his or her beliefs, but I just wish that there were more people around me with similar beliefs (i.e. non-beliefs) to mine. It would be nice to have someone to direct my questions to who has already been through this and/or figured it all out already. But I know that it is the "figuring out" that makes my program stronger. [\whine]

So my last post was about taking inventory, but by the time I'd written it all out, it seemed too long and I was too tired to go into my actual inventory that I'd worked on. I thought I'd supplement.

A little background ... I have entered into a pre-existing family as a "significant other." We moved in together almost 2 years ago, along with 2 "kids" from a prior marriage. I say "kids" because they are way too old to be considered "kids" anymore, and yet their emotional maturity has not caught up with their actual ages. There really isn't a label for my position ~ I have no parental authority or business, nor do I have any parental relationship or feelings towards them (not good ones, anyways). I'm basically an adult roommate, but I can't even demand good-roommate etiquette because they just don't care and they just don't have to. They're simply living with a parent and doing what "kids" do. I guess.

On top of that, I don't really like kids generally. They can be cute occasionally, but only in very, very small doses, and never when found in adult bodies behaving like tweens/teens. Truly, I think I'd prefer a root canal, and I do NOT make that statement lightly, since me and the dentist don't get along so well either.

Anyway ... I find myself living around, under, in, over, throughout, everything kid-infested. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but I am not exaggerating the FEELINGS about it all. Last week, I finally put words to my feelings, which is that I feel like I don't belong ~ like I'm on a strange planet where I do not speak the language, cannot stomach the food, and in fact actually cannot even breathe the same kind of gas this planet calls "atmosphere."

One of the downsides to being with someone in program is that they also know pretty much everything you know, so when I said I don't feel like I belong, the third tradition was pointed out to me ~ that perhaps I don't belong because I say I don't belong.

Well, phooey on you!!! That's what I thought!

Except that it's true. And I realized that after I stopped phooeying and started doing my inventory about all the resentments I have towards these "kids" and having to live with them. There are lots of reasons for the feelings that I have, as well as underlying fears, selfishness, self-seeking and dishonesty. But bottom line is that I do not WANT to belong. Since resentment is our chief offender, and living in it will kill me one way or another, I have to look at my part and change what I can. If I don't want to belong, then I can't very well be pissed off that I don't belong. And yet that is exactly where I find myself ~ all pissed off for getting exactly what I want, which is to not belong. Except, that what I really want is not only to "not belong," but also for there not to be anything to which to belong! I don't want anyone else in my life to belong there either, because I simply don't want that "group" (i.e. family) to exist. Simply put, I want to deprive other people of their Third Tradition right to belong because they say they belong.

But then yesterday I realized another piece of the puzzle. I was just innocently talking to a friend, and I suddenly found myself saying something that I didn't even know! I said that I don't feel like myself anymore ~ that I feel like I've lost myself in the process of moving into this situation where I don't feel like I belong and where I don't want to feel like I belong. Everything that used to be me is gone. And I know that this is completely at my own choice and/or will ~ no one can MAKE me not be me. But I have allowed myself to be consumed by this situation in which I live. And let me tell you, this is NOT a good place to be (the feeling, not the situation)!

Now, I don't not want to be where I am ~ I chose the person I live with because I want to live with this person, period, no questions asked. But, when I made my choice, I had no idea that it would involve as much as it has, nor did I realize that it would consume me as much as it has. As such, I was not prepared to be consumed and have not done anything about having become consumed. I am, I think, the person being eaten by a boa constrictor (from Where The Sidewalk Ends).

At first, I felt quite upset by all of this, which is what happens when you're in columns 1, 2 and 3 of an inventory! But the curse and blessing of step 4 is column 4, because that which is your part, you can change. Nobody did this to me!!! I did this to myself ~ I lost myself in the process. And the solution is quite simple ~ I need to find myself again (and not in a "going to move to a third-world country where I can build huts and dig wells" kind of way). In fact, I haven't even begun to figure out exactly how I'm going to do this, but yet I feel so much better because I have a destination. There may be no map yet, or directions, or even a trip itinerary, but I have a trip, and that is what excites me. I have a solution to my problems, which lies within me.

That, I must say, just makes my inner-engineer sing. Nothing better than a project to sink my teeth into!

Of course, there is still the matter of my resentments towards these "kids" ... ultimately, I know that my character defects are my problem. Anytime anything is bothering me or making me resentful, then there is something in me that has to change. Part of this, I'm sure, is finding myself again and figuring out how to set some boundaries so I can have something that feels like me. But another part is found in steps 6 and 7 ~ simply identifying my offending character defects and behaving oppositely to them.

For my intolerance, I can practice being tolerant of them in my space and in my life.

For my judgmentalness, I can practice accepting them for who they are and how they are. Their journey is none of my business. It is not mine to fix, not mine to manage, and best of all, not mine to screw up.

For my self-righteous anger, I can practice taking a deep breath and re-focusing my thoughts and actions towards myself. Instead of feeling seething mad about something they've done, I can open up my journal and start doing some inventory on myself and my character defects. I can make a phone call to someone in program and talk to them about their struggles that day. I can go to a meeting or find a speaker online to listen to. Like a weed, I can simply not allow the anger to flourish in my brain my picking it every time it starts growing in my head.

For my selfishness, I can practice finding my own project to work on and allowing everyone else to do what they want to do with each other, when they want to do it, how they want to do it. To take it a step further, I can do it without making sarcastic comments or passively aggressively making sure that my unhappiness is known.

For my self-seeking behavior, I can encourage the very thing that I don't want to occur because it interferes with my wants/desires, instead of trying to take preemptive actions to prevent it from happening.

For my dishonesty, I can tell the truth when I am having feelings, but also include the part about what my part is and what I'm going to do to work on my part. Generally, I lie when I'm mad ~ I say everything is fine, knowing full well that I'm not fine. Part of this is because I know that it is my own character defects, so I don't think I have a right to be angry. I can tell the truth that I'm mad, but I can also say that I realize what my character defects are and that I'm going to work on those.

And finally, for my fears ... I can work on all of the above things even though I fear that I'm not good enough or important enough; even though I fear that I won't get enough love or time; even though I fear that I will be last choice or forgotten; even though I fear that, given the ultimatum, I won't be chosen; even though I fear that I will be hurt. I have all of these fears, but they don't have to rule my behavior. I have to believe that I will be O.K., even if any of the above things happen. Otherwise, if I live in all these fears, they may as well be true! If I am acting and feeling as though they are, they may as well be. But at least if I act and behave as though they're not going to happen, I have some shot at not experiencing them, and the latter odds are better than the former.