ants

I get these free daily emails from Hazelden, which often I just delete without reading, but occasionally I do actually read them. Today, at the end, it said this:

"We are not mice in a maze, randomly pursuing paths for a reward of cheese. We are children of our Higher Power, guided towards our chosen goal through the many doors we open and close along the way. Have I learned there is a reason for everything in my life? Can I trust that my path has been prepared for me by my Higher Power?"

Ironically enough, right before reading this sentence, I had this image of a bunch of ants, roaming around in this gigantic garden, trying to carry various things back to their nest. They never know what they're going to bump into or what will get in their way, but when a tiny crumb drops in their path, which to them looks like Mount Everest, they just go around or go over or turn around and go elsewhere. They don't just stop and stare at this gigantic obstacle and ruminate, "why me? why me?!?!" And they don't need to assign some great, significant meaning to it either, about how something above must have really meant them to go over there instead, or that some greater good was served by their delay in arrival. They just move on - take what's in front of them and move on.

It occurred to me that such a life is a rather free life to live - no need to make great meaning out of various obstacles - just take what's in front of you and keep going. The mission is to move various objects from place A to place B. If something gets in the way, try something different. And while it can be somewhat comforting to create some grandiose meaning to everything I do, most of the time it really is just about moving various objects from place A to place B.

So then I read this thing from Hazelden about how we're NOT rats in a maze and I'm thinking, maybe not, but maybe we're ants, on an ant hill! And then I read about how there is always a reason for everything, and I think, no - I think we just like to find a reason for everything. This might just be my inner cynic talking, but really, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. That old saying "shit happens" has a lot of truth to it! I've never been able to stomach the idea that somewhere there is a majestic being that actually has some deep-seated reason for some kid to sit and starve in a third world country while another kid sits in Los Angeles watching Nickelodeon and drinking Yoo-hoo.

I do, however, think that psychologically, human beings like to have reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know whether there is just a sense of comfort that comes from an explanation, or maybe it is as simple as having something to focus our minds on while dealing with the shock or trauma from whatever bad event happened. Regardless, I find it much easier to stomach that finding reason for what happens can provide comfort, and as such, finding reasons for bad things is not bad.

Same goes for having a belief that my path has been pre-planned by my higher power. Honestly, if this is really true, then why bother doing anything? If it's set to be by a higher power, then it's going to be what it's going to be. To me it seems to be an excuse - another way of finding reason for everything, when in fact no reason could be found - "I guess it was just supposed to be this way." Why not just say "I guess this is just the way it is." Just as likely accurate, if not more so, I think.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to acceptance. You can either accept what is for what it is or not. I believe you will make yourself crazy if you do not. Any ant that refused to go around an obstacle would most assuredly end up dead. Acceptance is basic to survival, and we humans are unfortunate enough to actually have the option of whether to accept those things in our life (the great cosmic joke on us!). The longer I deny something or avoid something or pretend it's not happening, the longer I spend not living in reality, and I may as well be in a nut-ward for that.

Of course all of this is always easier to say than do ... acceptance is often something that I struggle with, particularly when it is something that I am "stuck" with that I don't particularly like. I can easily get drawn into the idea that if I complain long enough, refuse to accept long enough, that somehow it will make it "not so." The problem is, that all I do is prolong my misery. In fact, I make it worse because I make that misery a focal point in my life. And what I've learned more than anything is that saying I've accepted something when I haven't only makes it that much worse.

Today, I'm going to accept that I kind of do feel like an ant on an ant hill and I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm going to accept that I don't feel like some child of a higher power and that doesn't bother me. I'm also going to accept that lots of people DO believe this, and it does not have to be my personal mission to try to sway their beliefs. None of these things are bad things, and while I sometimes feel like I am all alone in my beliefs (within my immediate world - those people that I interact with on a daily basis), I can be O.K. with that. Sometimes it is nice not to have a reason for everything and to just enjoy the monotony.

Sorry for the ramble - I don't know where it came from or really what meaning it has, but I've been feeling quite dry in the writing arena for awhile now and thought I would just start typing to see what would come out.