quandaries

So I'm in the market for a new sponsor. I have been with the same sponsor for quite some time now - going on two years now I think. Granted, 2 years is hardly a LONG time to be working with someone - I've heard people talk about having had the same sponsor for ten, twenty, even thirty years before! But for me, 2 years is a long time.

Have I talked about my sponsor drama before? I don't think so.

For the longest time I did not get a sponsor - probably for close to a year! I wanted one, but for some reason, the thought of actually asking someone for help was totally paralyzing for me! For starters, it meant that I would actually have to talk to someone. Not my strong suit! After all, I had places to go, people to see, things to do after every meeting! The other problem was that it meant I had to ADMIT to someone else that a) I was not perfect (because certainly everyone in the world thought I was!) and b) I needed help. And last, but certainly not least, I had absolutely no idea how to find the "perfect" sponsor. (Clearly, the qualification of "perfect" limited my options, but at the time, it never occurred to me that I could survive making a less-than-ideal decision.)

I got tired of hearing other people talk about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and one day I just forced myself to ask someone, anyone! I did. She said yes. It didn't work out. She was way too hands-off for me! She basically told me to feel free to call her whenever and to ask if I had any questions. "O.K. - I surely will!" I did not. It took me nearly a year to get up the nerve to ask someone - simply calling her and asking any questions I might come up with??? Too much!

So I did nothing again for some time, until again I became plagued with envy of other members talking about how their sponsor said this or told them to do that, etc., and I tried a different approach. This time I sought a sponsor in a similar manner to how I would try to find a new doctor or dentist. I started asking people casually at meetings - "who's your sponsor?" "how does your sponsor sponsor you?" etc. This worked surprisingly well. They were easy enough questions to ask, and it's far easier to talk to someone when the topic is not me. I discovered this different types of sponsoring available to me in this area (the more passive, ask if you have questions and call-me approach, and the more active, do this assignment and we're meeting on Friday approach - I knew the latter would be better for me).

Yikes - this is turning into a long story! Fast forward - after another better but not ideal fit, I found the sponsor I have now, or at least had up until recently. She has substantially changed the way she works her program recently, and it does not work well with the concept of a higher power that I have worked so hard to get! (Ironically, she was the one who helped me find my higher power.) Her new "method" of working program is quite "hard-core", for lack of a better description. She now focuses primarily (if not entirely) on the first 164 pages of the Big Book, with approach to higher power that makes me feel like it's They're way (the collective, capital "T" unidentified They, which always has much meaning, albeit unidentified meaning) or no way.

Now, please do not misunderstand! I am a huge fan of the Big Book, and completely agree that recovery has to come from working the steps! But as a true agnostic, I would go crazy relying solely on the word-for-word instructions as written in a book in which the chapter for the agnostic ends with "don't worry, you'll come around eventually." (No, that's not a quote - just my interpretation.)

The problem came when my sponsor started trying to reconcile her "new way" of working program with my concept of a higher power, and when she struggled with it, her suggestion was that perhaps I just needed to start over with step one and see where it takes us.

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My first thought ... "Um ... yeah ... I don't think so." I just feel like I don't want to risk my recovery by "starting over" with the steps in some vague effort to make my higher power "fit" more comfortably with the literal language of the Big Book.

So I titled this entry "quandaries" - I toyed with re-titling it "rantings" because that seems to be what I'm doing! But now I remember what I wanted to write about. My quandary. I haven't had a lot of luck finding people in my area that have the same beliefs as I do with regard to the higher power concept. I have found some people who are sympathetic, which is helpful, but not ideal. I'm not sure what to do! Who to ask???

Now, if someone in program or one of my sponsees were to come to me with this same dilemma, I would ask them - what does your higher power tell you to do. (Always direct a person to consult with their higher power!) So now I direct myself to that. What would the steps and traditions have me do???

I am powerless over the availability of sponsors in my area and what their belief systems are. My life is not manageable (and my recovery is not sustainable) without a sponsor! The steps & traditions are my road to sanity. What's my inventory here? I am SUPER sensitive when it comes to the topic of higher power! And I have little to no tolerance for those with "the belief" and how I perceive them to be towards me as someone "without it." And I want perfection. I'm still looking for and wanting the perfect sponsor - I want my sponsor to fix me - there's always gotta be another solution somewhere right??? And I selfishly want my "old" sponsor back, that is, how she used to be, and not how she is now, which is simply where her recovery path has taken her (which just "IS" - not right or wrong). So I can admit those things - to myself and another person (can I count "the web" as the other person???). Now, what principals of the program can I practice so that my character defects can be removed? And am I willing to?

What's the common welfare? For me, it is best to find a new sponsor with whom I can relate and with whom I can get back to working the steps as quickly as possible. For the rest of my world (those people who have to deal with me on a daily basis) - it is best for me to find a new sponsor who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible! Ah, unity. I guess the "with whom I can relate" is a little less important than "who can get me back to working the steps as quickly as possible."

The group conscience - clearly in my area, the general consensus seems to be of having a higher power of a deity-type nature. Now, I don't have to APPLY this, but I have to ACCEPT this, which means that my sponsor-to-be might just have a higher power that I don't jive with. But, so long as my sponsor-to-be is sympathetic, and willing to work in my language when working with me, I will be O.K.

Am I trying to govern? Absolutely. I want anyone and everyone to see my concept and to back the "f" off with their own! But how can I be a "trusted servant" of program instead? I can work on ACCEPTING others' concept, while still being true to my own by speaking my truth at the appropriate times, choosing my words carefully such that I am honest while also being respectful, and finding someone who can work with me despite having a different belief structure.

The only requirement for membership. Ah, yes. I must keep this in mind. The only requirement for membership is NOT making me comfortable with my concept of a higher power. I simply must remember that.

Autonomy except in matters affecting others. Because I cannot change others, all I can do is be true to myself with regard to my own higher power, and give others the respect for their concept that I would like to be shown for mine.

My primary purpose is to RECOVER!!! And to work the steps! In order to do this, I have to get a sponsor with whom I can share what I need to share, but also someone who will direct me to the steps when I'm struggling to get there on my own. And I am being diverted from this primary purpose by my anger over the lack of others in my area with a similar concept of a higher power as me, and by my annoyance with the overly "God-ey-ness" I have been exposed to as of late.

Am I being fully self supporting? Probably not enough. I don't need anyone to agree with me in order to be O.K. with my higher power. But I do need to be honest with whomever my new sponsor ends up being - I must tell them that sometimes I might need help with the translation and if he/she could act "as if" their higher power concept was the same as mine, that might help! Sometimes I think being fully self supporting means knowing when and how to ask for help.

The next tradition is actually quite helpful in this area! Employing special workers! So I can find a sponsor that doesn't have the same concept of a higher power, but I can "employ special workers" in that I can develop my own separate agnostic support group where I can go for help if I'm struggling with "translation issues."

Am I behaving like I'm in charge? Am I being responsible to those I serve? Well, dragging my feet to find a new sponsor, and bitching about the spiritual quality of all those around me certainly isn't helping those people who have to deal with me everyday, least of all me. To truly be responsible to those I serve means doing what I need to do, not what I want to do. This probably means finding a sponsor who isn't agnostic. *sigh*

And yep - expressing my opinion on the outside issue of a person's choice of higher power - that I am doing! And it is doing nothing but drawing up controversy in my life! O.K., O.K., I get it! I have to let it go that everyone around me isn't agnostic!

Am I promoting rather than attracting? Possibly. I need to do a self-check on where, when and how I'm talking about this (i.e. my whole sponsor drama, and all my woes with not finding enough agnostic support). Placing principles before personalities? I think it's safe to say that a person's concept of their higher power is part of "personality" and that I'm putting that before the overall principal of recovery. Yep - like I said before - I need to speak my truth about where I am and not try to conform, while also accepting where everyone else is without comment or judgment.

Back to the steps - who have I harmed? Well, I need to be honest with my "current" sponsor, soon to be "prior sponsor," and tell her that I appreciate all the work she has done with me and that I am feeling like I need to work with someone different. And of course I need to continue studying these steps and principles, practicing applying them in my life, and sharing my message of recovery.

I know a lot of these thoughts are probably jumbled and may not flow too well - I'm just reading down the steps and traditions and trying to apply them to the problem at hand. It's not art, but it's the best I got. I'll let you know how it goes! At the very least, I am feeling better directed at the moment and more serene. I still don't know who I will ask to work with, but perhaps someone "temporarily" will be a good solution for now. We'll see.

Alright ... I'm out.