I started a post yesterday but didn't get very far, so I'll try again today.
What a weekend I had. We had a retreat this weekend, and I certainly got my fill of God-talk (or Jesus-vomit, as I tend to call it). I like to think that I've gotten quite good at translating speakers, shares, literature, whatever, into something that makes sense to me, but apparently I have my limit! I don't know if my translator just gets so full that the extra overflows un-translated into my brain? Or perhaps the translator doesn't work under such less-idealistic conditions as being super tired? Who knows. Regardless, this weekend left me feeling completely deflated and hopeless, and I think it was the closest I've ever come to actually renouncing program altogether. I didn't though - I felt better on Monday after a good night's sleep. Guess I'm not THAT fragile after all!
Basically it was a weekend laden with the speaker's and occasionally other members' shares and opinions that just don't allow for a "God of your understanding" that isn't that person's understanding of God. The speaker did acknowledge that it is "God as you understand God", and stated that she defined her "God" not in a "personified" way, but as "love, light and energy" (or something to that effect). But she still continuously referred to "Him" and "He" and "Lord our father", etc., and even quoted the bible a time or two, which just annoyed me all to pieces. I drove home thinking that maybe program just is not separable from a religious-type higher power, and that perhaps there just isn't anywhere for me to belong in program unless I conform to some form of religious-type higher power.
One good thing that I did get at this retreat though was an analysis of my "green lights" and "yellow lights" - things that I know work for me and keep me in recovery, and things that are warning signs that I might be in trouble. I know that when I am seriously studying program and seeking a deeper understanding of the steps and traditions (my higher power), when I am journaling and applying the steps and traditions in my life, when I am doing those things that I fear or that I know I am supposed to do even though I may not like to, and when I am doing service, then my recovery feels very strong. I also know that when I am stuck in "inaction" - procrastinating, avoiding things and isolating, obsessing too much on my problems and not enough on the solution, or feeling resentful and angry, then I am NOT headed in a good direction and am in dangerous territory!
We were also asked to identify things that take us from "yellow light" or "red light" (relapse) territory to "green light" territory, which I was able to identify as simply ADMITTING that I am in "yellow light" or "red light" territory, and working with others. It is amazing what a little bit of honesty does for my program! Honesty and Action (physical, mental and emotional!) - those are the real keys to my recovery.
Another thing that I got from this weekend - I was asked to speak to a group that meets at a local charitable organization with a drug rehab program. The charity organization asked our group to provide a speaker on the third Monday of each month because many of their attendees are cross-addicted and they like to have speakers from many different 12 step groups. Ironically enough, it is a catholic charity, but they know we are 12 step and do not endorse any particular religion so I'm not put off by the catholic association.
Anyway, I was pretty hesitant to go talk because I'm not really a "low-bottomer" kind of person and the thought of going to a drug rehab place with cross-addicted people was a tad terrifying to me - not because I'm scared of them, but I guess I just don't perceive myself as having a whole lot to offer (my life is barely an after-school special, let alone a good R-rated movie). But after this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I do have something to
offer - I could go and talk about my experiences with being agnostic and how I've managed to figure out how to apply program to my life. It's a catholic charity, but the people it serves aren't necessarily catholic! It seemed like a workable solution to me - as a general rule, I don't like to turn down the opportunity to do service, so I was struggling with this one because I wanted to do service, but I didn't want to do THIS service.
So I guess I can't write off the entire weekend as "WORST EVER." At the very least, I have renewed determination to be the voice of agnostic in my area, which just feels very un-represented to me. Surely I can't be the only one around here!
Oh, and one other thing I got from the retreat this weekend - the idea of naming the various characters that comprise the committee up inside my head, but this is getting lengthy and I've got work to do, so I'll do that next time. (A little preview ... that's my hall monitor telling me to get my ass to work! But what gets me into trouble is when my hall monitor wants to tell everyone else what they should be doing and wants to write detention slips to anyone not following the rules!)
2 comments:
I struggled with this when I entered recovery. When it was time to address it I simply said this: The god of my understanding is simply this, that when I am in my darkest place and close to relapse I believe that an answer will come. That answer could from from anywhere not just God. So maybe God is just the concept that help is there in many forms as long as your looking. I haven't been to church in 20 years and that's a close I could come to it.
Just found your blog. Love it. I have a real problem with the whole "put yourself into God's hands" crap. Thank you for writing this!!! Now, maybe I can stay sober....
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