what would jesus say???

My goodness - I just spent some 15 minutes of so deleting off a bunch of jesus vomit comments from my blog. It's so strange to me - I do not understand christian fanatical types. I grew up in a baptist home (thankfully NOT fanatical) so I know all the lingo and I know all the "rules", etc., and I just have to wonder whether these people realize that they do so much more harm to their cause than good? Assuming only for the sake of argument that they are right in their beliefs, what good comes from approaching people in a crazy fanatical way? What good comes from blasting people with overly zealous confrontational bible babble? What would jesus say to a person who did nothing but scare off people from "his message"? When that person comes before God at the pearly gates and God says, "Where's your common sense? You did nothing but chase people away!" What then would that person say then?

Whatever. Surprisingly enough, that kind of stuff doesn't bother me much because they just come off as crazy nutcases, which only attracts squirrels. Really it's just a lesson in powerlessness. I am powerless over who reads my blog and who comments on my blog. I am powerless over the things people say or think about me. I am powerless over the beliefs of other people. I am powerless over me own beliefs.

And I really am powerless over my beliefs - I can't just make myself believe something! If someone came into my office and told me that the sky had turned green this morning, it doesn't matter how much I might really want to believe them - I could not believe them because it goes against every experience I've ever had and my gut would tell me, "Um ... I don't think so." Only a fool blindly believes against all experience! Belief is just something that comes from inside, and you've either got it or you don't. When it comes to religious matters, I just don't have it. I don't necessarily believe it is all false either, but I have simply "resigned myself from the debating society" because it makes me crazy to debate it. As a "need to know" kind of person, it makes me crazy to debate a question with a non-provable answer.

I heard a speaker say once that "not knowing" was never his problem - not knowing what was going to happen or what should happen was never truly what drove him to the edge - it was his insatiable need to know that was at the root of his problems. I think this is definitely true for me. It is easy to blame my restlessness, irritability or discontent on the fact that I don't know what will happen tomorrow or I don't know the answer to a particular question (like what decision is the right decision to make), etc., but ultimately, if I don't need to know, then not knowing won't bother me! And that is really what is at the heart of acceptance for me - simply being O.K. with not knowing.

This same rule of thumb applies to pretty much anything I think. It's the need that will make me crazy - needing things to be perfect, needing to be right, needing to feel safe, needing to feel better-than or less-than someone else, needing to be in control, needing to feel comfortable. Whatever is, whatever was, whatever will be - those things are totally doable so long as I don't feel a driving need to achieve the opposite. And that really is the good news, actually, because I really am powerless over what is, what was and what will be.

Of course being powerless does NOT mean that I don't have to do anything! That is one of the misconceptions I can get about powerlessness - a complacency that says "I have no control so why bother?" That's where the distinction between outcome and process comes in - I am powerless over the OUTCOME, but I have all the power in the world over my PROCESS. I am powerless over what my substance does to and for me, but I have the power to take those actions that I know will stay my desire to partake in that substance. I am powerless over whether I get a promotion at work, but I have the power to do my job when I come to work and to do it as best I can. I am powerless over whether someone accepts an amends that I make to that person, but I have power over whether I actually make that amends. I am powerless over any and every thing that has happened to me in my past, but I have power over whether I let it have control over me today and whether I behave as though it is still happening to me today. I am powerless over the outcomes, but I have control of my actions, and because I have power over those actions, it behooves me to take the best actions I know how to take - not because it will result in best result, but simply because at the end of the day, I sleep better when I know I did the best I could.

So today I can go forward knowing that I am pretty darn powerless in the grand scheme of things, but I have power over what matters most from my perspective, which is my response to those things over which I am powerless. And best of all, I can be O.K. with my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as the case may be), because I don't need other people to share them, or to agree with them or to not have contrary ones, in order to have a perfectly pleasant day. I'd rather be "here" than "there" any day!