call 'em like you see 'em

I remember hearing someone share in a meeting once that it's important to call your character defects exactly what they really are, without sugar coating them with "nice names" that somehow make having them feel ... well ... cool or quirky or something. For example, having a "bad body image" is really just vanity. Or perhaps ungratefulness. Being a "people pleaser" is really just being a manipulator. Not able to set boundaries? More manipulation. Or perhaps laziness, depending on the situation. The point is, when I try to couch my character defects in couch talk (i.e. pop psychology terms), they don't seem as nasty and I'm not as motivated to do the work to remove them.

I've recently started reading a highly-recommended book specifically about working steps 6 & 7 and removing character defects, and I am captial-E Excited! It's really based on the premise that too many people fail to really take the ACTIONS that steps 6 & 7 require, resulting in either relapse or just a stalemate feeling in their recovery ("I've worked all the steps, but I really still feel kind of miserable"). The book states that in order to truly live a life with fewer resentments, diminished fear and anger, and genuine self esteem instead of self pity, we simply have to challenge and change our thoughts, behaviors and words (i.e. everything about us!). As the old saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I figured I'd write here as I went through the book, since as usual, there will be much translation needed!

So the Introduction talks about there being four basic reasons why someone is not "entirely ready" to have their character defects removed. First, simply making a conscious decision not to give up a particular character defect. Second, blaming a particular character defect on other people, places or things. Third, rationalizing why we have a character defect and should (or must) continue to have it. And fourth, denial of its existence. So ... choice, blame, rationalization and denial - those are the reasons I have the character defects I have. I either choose to do it, blame someone or something else for it (which is really just rationalization, is it not?), rationalize it away or don't realize that I have it or do it. And isn't blame and/or rationalization just a choice too? So if I am continuing to suffer from character defects, then I am either choosing it or don't know about it.

My favorite part (thus far, anyway ... i.e. from the Introduction) is that similar to why you cannot sit in the bar downing a few drinks expecting to be struck with a sudden desire NOT to drink the next drink, you cannot continue to practice your character defects, behaving badly, and expect to suddenly be struck with good behavior. It says you have to CHANGE your behavior before your higher power removes your character defects, which of course makes the agnostic in me say ... so you change your behavior before God changes your behavior? And when your behavior changes, you credit God??? Toe-may-toe, toe-maw-toe, I suppose. The important part, however, is that THE BEHAVIOR HAS CHANGED. And that, I believe, is the crux of living in recovery.

As a side note, I find it particularly helpful to use a lot of passive voice when talking about the 6th & 7th steps - i.e. not identifying the actor in a sentence - saying character defects "were removed" instead of specifying who or what removes them. This helps me get past the God-issue and just focus on the real meat of the sentence, which is the fact that the character defects go away. From a God-centric person's perspective, something else has changed them, but from my perspective, if I do the work, then new habits and behaviors are formed, and I am a changed person.

So, step 6 is becoming entirely ready to have my character defects removed ... i.e. become entirely willing to start doing things differently. And when I'm entirely willing, this will be demonstrated by my actually doing things differently. If I still have character defects flaring all over the place, then I have to look internally and figure out why I'm not willing! Perhaps what I really have to ask is whether I'm willing to give up my recovery in exchange for whatever it is that I'm not willing to do! When I put it like this, kind of like calling the defects what they really are instead of using the nice, trendy terms, I'm more likely to make the right decision. It is one thing to say that today I don't feel willing to give up my people pleasing. It is a totally different thing to say that today I am willing to give up my recovery in order to manipulate this person. When I call it what it really is, then it isn't quite so pretty and certainly not as easy to make the wrong choice.

It's really not rocket science. Or perhaps it is, and I'm just far smarter than I ever realized. Let's go with that one. I like it better. :)