oldies but goodies

Once again, missing, missing, missing.

I don't mean to be absent so long in between postings, and I truly have the best of intentions when I do write that I will do it more often. But then life happens. Lots and lots of life. Which I must say, is good! There was a time when I had very little life. I spent far too much time ruminating about all the things that other people did to me (and shouldn't have), and all the things that people didn't do (but should have) and just no time at all simply living life. And today ... well damn it ... I'm living life. And I have to admit, I'm really, really loving it. But that's not a good excuse for not writing, because really, writing is what keeps me connected to my program (and thus my higher power). Enjoying the benefits of program ... good. Enjoying the benefits of program at the expense of program ... dangerous.

Anyway ... unrelated ... I was looking through some of my older, unposted posts, that I'd written at some point and for whatever reason, never finished, and I came across one that I thought perhaps I'd finish. It was about Jim B., AA's first atheist member and the reason behind the "as we understood him" following God in the 12 steps. Jim B. is my hero. If it weren't for Jim B., I wouldn't be in recovery.

I read an AA Grapevine article by Jim B. in which he summarizes his spiritual milestones in recovery for the newly arriving agnostic or atheist. These are his milestones:

1. The first power I found greater than myself was John Barleycorn.
2. The A.A. Fellowship became my Higher Power for the first two years.
3. Gradually, I came to believe that God and Good were synonymous and were found in all of us.
4. And I found that by meditating and trying to tune in on my better self for guidance and answers, I became more comfortable and steady.

I have no idea what #1 is - probably an inside joke or just over my head. But the remaining three I can totally relate to.

I have come to realize that my higher power is an ever-evolving concept - sometimes evolving by the the year, the month, the day, even the hour. Often whatever thing I am translating will dictate which higher power concept gets applied. For example, someone told me today that someone recommended that she go spend time with God. Something like this would normally trip me up, except it didn't happen to me, and I'm far more skilled at overcoming other people's obsticles than I am my own! So I translated, and to me, spending time with God equates to spending time with any one and any thing other than myself, because I have long-since accepted that I am not God. In this case, "God" translated to "not me" and nothing more than that. But there are times that I equate "God" to the fellowship, and in fact such a translation also would have worked in this example - "go spend time with the fellowship" - that would totally work.

There are also times where I have equated "God" as synonymous with "good", such as when I hear things like "God is in all of us" (I do believe that we all have the capacity to be "good"), or "how would God want me to behave" (what would be a behavior that is "good"). To me it is whatever it is that makes people drive hundreds of miles to volunteer in the search and rescue at the World Trade Center after 9/11, or to deliver truckloads of bottled water to victims after Hurricane Katrina - it's that inner human instinct to be kind and loving to fellow humans. I think we all have it in us, some more than others probably, but I know that I have it, and I know that when I let it shine through, I feel like a better person.

And Jim B.'s final reference - tuning into his better self for guidance - that is what I have found most recently, which to me is the equivalent of looking to my conscience for guidance - that piece of me that has the capacity to make smart, wise decisions. I haven't mastered this idea yet, but I can feel it growing inside of me and becoming a bigger part of who I am on a regular basis.

I truly wish that there were more writings by Jim B. available - perhaps there are and I just have not found them? But I guess that just goes back to me wanting to be able to find the answers somewhere - prewritten, in a nicely packaged "here is how you do it, plain and simple", but I just haven't found it yet. And I probably won't, since I'm really finally internalizing that it is the process of the journey that makes me a better person, not the destination itself.

So ... once again I leave you with the promise that I will write more often ... worth the paper it's written on, I'm sure.