restless, irritable and discontent

That is the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling today - restless, irritable and discontent - such a perfect way to describe days like these and feelings like these. Sometimes I wonder, before program and before I knew the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent", how did I describe my feelings when I was feeling this way? I never would have used the words "restless," "irritable" or "discontent," but I am sure that I have felt this way MANY times in my life, and surely would have wanted to put words to those feelings. Maybe. Just one of those things, I guess - how did we ever live without cell phones? Answering machines? Microwave ovens? I don't know, but we did. And how I ever lived without the phrase "restless, irritable and discontent"? I don't know, but I did!

Anyway ... today I am just UNCOMFORTABLE. I am not happy because I feel like my house is a mess and no one else is cleaning it - of course I'm not cleaning it either, but that's beside the point. And I am not happy because there are teenagers in the house and I don't like teenagers in the house - they are a large source of the mess, they touch and/or move my crap, they talk all the time and they NEED NEED NEED things. Of course I chose to move in with someone who had teenagers, so I can't exactly call "trespassers!" to the 9-1-1 operator. And I'm unhappy because my back is hurting me, which just accentuates every other annoyance that exists in my world today. Of course I don't do the exercises and stretches on a regular basis that I know will help relieve my back pain, but I am nonetheless unhappy because my back is hurting.

See, my troubles are of my own making - I know this, but I'm still just a little pissed off because I have troubles. So GROWL to the world!!!

The Big Book says that above everything, we must be rid of our selfishness. I find it a little ironic though, that selfishness and self-centeredness are the roots of our troubles, and yet it is only by focusing on ourselves (looking at our own part, cleaning our side of the street, etc.) that we find recovery. You'd think we'd be really good at this "focus on yourself" stuff! But alas, Murphy's Law ... we are not.

So I was reading the 12&12 of Alanon (do they call it the 12,12&12 since it also covers the concepts???) - I thought it might be helpful in dealing with my resentments and annoyances about those I live with since it discusses the 12 steps as they apply to dealing with another person and their use of a substance as opposed to personal use of a substance. Surely one could apply the same principles used to deal with alcoholics to help deal with a teenager, right? I started working through the questions at the end of step one.

The first question asks if I accept that I cannot control another person's behavior. I do ... I think. It pisses me off, but I accept it. Unless the fact that it pisses me off is indicative of unacceptance. Can you accept something while simultaneously being really angry about it? Perhaps.

The second question asks if I recognize that the other person is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine? Again ... recognize, but get really pissed off about it.

Third, do I accept that alcoholism (read: teenagerism) is a disease? How does it change how I deal with a drinker (read: teenager)? This actually makes me chuckle. Being a teenager really is like being a drunk, isn't it? You make bad decisions, you behave badly, and no matter what anyone else says or does, you just do it, because it is who you are, not because you are trying to do something to someone else. And me, someone who has chosen to live with teenagers for all intents and purposes (the choice was not so much to live with teenagers as it was to live with someone who has teenagers, but it is the same end result), has to deal with these bad decisions and bad behaviors ... or even sometimes not necessarily "bad" but nonetheless annoying. But I did not CAUSE the teenager (although I did cause the living with one), I cannot CURE the teenager, nor can I CONTROL the teenager. The only thing I can change is ME! And uprooting and destroying a life that I otherwise love, just to eliminate the teenagerism in my life, is really not an option that I am even close to considering ... as appealing as living without teenagerism really might be.

The fourth question is, how have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences? I think that the primary way that I try to "change" the teenagers in my life is to get the one that created them to change them. Somehow I think that if I get annoyed enough, or sigh hard enough, or make passive-aggressive comments enough, then perhaps something will be done to change the teenagers. I know ... crazy.

So then the thought occurs to me ... it is not the fact that I have to deal with teenagers or that they exist in my domain that is the problem ... it is also not the fact that these teenagers need to change (grow up, pick up, clean up) that is the problem ... it is the fact that I NEED them to be different that is my problem! So long as I NEED these teenagers to be different, to behave differently, or whatever, in order to feel O.K., then I am going to be miserable. They are who they are, they behave how they behave, and in all honesty, there is NOTHING that I can actually do about it, except set my own boundaries wherever it might be appropriate.

I can change myself ... by cleaning up more around the house, by doing my exercises to help my back feel better, and by setting boundaries so that I don't have to have teenagers in every crack and crevice of my personal space ... but beyond that, I just have to live and let live. If ever there was one phrase that encompassed all interactions with all other people, crazy or otherwise, this would have to be it. I have to live my own life and let others live theirs - take care of my own crap and let others take care of theirs, or not, should they so choose. I am uncomfortable today because I did it to myself. And I will remain uncomfortable until I take actions to relieve those things that are making me feel uncomfortable. Can I do it in a day? Nope. Most definitely not. But I can take a few actions today towards a cleaner house and to a healthier me. Then I can make efforts to set boundaries (which I hate to do - why can't everyone else just set their own damn boundaries, nice and far away from mine, so I don't have to???) and perhaps I won't feel quite so smothered like a good Mexican burrito.

Yep ... my troubles are of my own making ... I am NEEDING things to be different, while simultaneously being unwilling to take any action to make myself different. Because seriously, when the sound of someone clearing their throat, from 3 rooms away, makes you want to strangle that person ... well, geez, it might just be time to take a closer look at yourself.