what if?

I read a blog this morning that talked about addicts being "beyond human aid" - that only God can change us, we cannot change us. It went on to say that in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work).

I have a hard time when I read things like this. When it is a religious nut ranting on about how we all have to see the light, confess our sins, yadda yadda yadda, I have no problem rolling my eyes and tuning them out. No problem, and in fact, often no choice - it's an automatic reflex! But when it is someone that I like and respect from a recovery perspective, then I can't help but pause. This is someone who has recovery. That can't just be ignored! And what if the religious-type of recovery really is the only way? Then what??? Not only am I totally screwed, but if there is indeed a hell, surely there must be a special place for someone like me who not only openly questions (and generally disbelieves), but actually goes a step further to talk (or write) about ways to go about not believing.

I guess I can only go back to the basics, which is that I simply cannot pretend to believe something that I just don't. I suppose I could fake it, but in all reality, who would I be fooling? If there is a God, there are few things I can be more sure of than the fact that if I were faking, God would know (and probably would not be all too impressed or thrilled).

But I guess if I can't ignore someone with recovery based completely on a faith and belief of a deity-type God, then I also can't ignore someone with recovery who does not have such a faith or belief (one type of recovery cannot be more credible than another), nor can I ignore those who have a complete faith and belief in a deity-type God and yet do NOT have recovery. There is a particular woman who comes to mind who attends a meeting I also attend - for awhile there, she was boasting about how great she was feeling and how these ladies had prayed for her at church and she had not had so much as a craving since and how the miracle of God was working in her life and God had truly done for her that which she simply could not have done alone. Can I have a hallelujah??? Amen.

And I keep wondering about her - now that her preaching has stopped, and she talks about struggling with this or struggling with that - did the ladies at church stop praying for her? Or did God just decide that she was worthy for a little while, but not any more? Perhaps she didn't really have the faith that God would require?

Except that I can really feel the faith and belief pouring out of this woman! She really, really believes that God is going to remove her addiction and this freedom of recovery will be hers! If only ... ??? If only, what? I wonder what she tells herself at night when God has not removed her cravings? Does she think she's not good enough? Does she think God's just busy with someone else? Maybe she didn't pray hard enough? When someone is waiting for God to strike them recovered, what do they tell themselves while waiting???

And then there are those who say, ah, but you have to do the footwork! God is not going to do for you what you can do for yourself! God is not going reach down and literally swipe that substance right out of your hand! You have to take the action and not partake in the substance - you have to take the action and work on your step work and then maybe when you're not looking, all the while working oh-so-hard on changing oh-so-many things about yourself, God will miraculously remove the urge, remove the character defects, remove whatever else it is that needs to be removed. But if someone is so busy doing all the footwork while waiting for God to do the rest, at what point do they know that God is doing anything? Couldn't it just as easily be that after doing all that footwork, it becomes a little less difficult to do all that footwork? The person begins to get in better shape and it just feels easier? Certain new, healthier actions become habit, and old behaviors fade away because we have become re-focused, re-trained, and re-covered?

Here's what I know. If it all comes down to a religious-type belief, I'm screwed. I can't help it - I don't have the faith or belief in me and I'm just not willing to pretend. (I see no point in pretending, and quite frankly, I don't think I could ever do it with a straight face.)

However, if it all comes down to a series of actions, reflections and behaviors, such that our bodies and minds are altered (practice makes perfect, right? or at least better), then I've got a fighting chance! That is something that I can believe in, something I can have faith in, and something I can actually work on with a straight face. After all, if my recovery doesn't feel authentic, then I'm not sure it's worth it.

So, back to the blog I read - addicts are "beyond human aid." Translation (for me) - left to my own devices, my own instinctual behavior, I am screwed. If I don't actively try to do something different, I'm done. Addicts are beyond addicts' aid.

Only God can change us, we cannot change us ... in order to recover, we have to ask God for help and then put our trust in him (and then do the step work). Translation (for me) - only working the program and integrating the principles of the steps and traditions into my life can change me. In order to recover, I have to commit to working the steps and incorporating the traditions into my life - I have to put my trust in the idea that if I change, my life will get better; if I change, I will recover. I have to trust the process.

And rationally, I think that I do (trust the process, that is). I think that regardless of whether you think God has struck you recovered (after you've worked your ass off to "do the footwork"), or if you've simply worked your ass off "doing the footwork" and recovered, it makes no difference what you believe. If you did the work (the steps, the traditions) and you got the result (recovery) - who cares how you got there? Does it matter when someone arrives in a city whether they traveled by plane, train or automobile? The route may be different, the experience may be different, but the destination is the same. I think step 12 requires only that we share our route with others - tell others how we found our way to the city, and let them find their own way; try to point out when they've obviously taken a wrong turn, but let their vehicle be whatever it is. (I'm feeling that there simply must be a reference I could make here to the Wizard of Oz, but I just can't quite put it together - follow the yellow brick road? Get your ass to oz? I'll have to give that some more thought ...)

Gosh, I feel kind of preachy today. But at least I'm not feeling like I can't go back and read that person's blog that I referenced above, which is good. And I truly hate those that so blatantly preach in meetings that the religious-type way is the only way to go, so I genuinely don't want to be someone who is exactly the same with the mirror-opposite message.

And I have to say, if there really is a hell and there does happen to be a special place there just for me, surely there will be some other interesting people there to hang out with? Or at least some water. I would hate to be thirsty for eternity. Water and google, actually. I would hate to be thirsty and bored for eternity.

Happy Friday everyone!