roadmap from selfishness

I have been struggling with resentments. Resentments towards people who do nothing more than simply "drive me nuts" - they get in my way, they do things that annoy me, and they simply make life go a little less smoothly for me. Why is it that I somehow think I am entitled to a smooth life? Why is it that somehow I think I am entitled to never be annoyed, to always have things exactly the way I think they should be, when I think they should be, how I think they should be? Oh, that's right ... because I'm an addict and I'm riddled with selfishness and self-centeredness. That is the root of all my troubles!

Where does this self-righteous anger of mine come from? I find the Big Book instructive here. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show - if everyone would only do as I please, the show would be great! But they don't, and it isn't, and while I admit I might be somewhat at fault, I'm always sure that the other people are more to blame. And I become angry, indignant and self-pitying (yep, yep and yep). I'm just a self-seeker, even when trying to be kind, and I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if only I manage well (i.e. get everyone to do everything exactly the way I think they should).

Do I believe this? Do I believe that if everyone else did what I wanted I would be happy and satisfied? Absolutely. I absolutely believe this. Who wouldn't? I want, I get, I happy, right?

But here's the thing - I'm not entitled to get my way whenever I want, however I want. Why? Because I'm one of billions. Every person thinks that his or her way is the right way. Every person has a list a mile long of what he or she wants. And what makes me so important as to think mine should come first? Those people that are annoying me on a daily basis? What if their one and only wish was that I would just shrivel up and fall off the earth? That if only I were not here, everything in the world would be just right. Should that person's wish make me be different? (Or gone?) No more than my wish should make them be different (or gone.)

I've often wrestled with religion, wondering how anyone could know which one to believe. Every seriously religious person thinks that their religious beliefs are the "right" ones, and each with equal conviction. My parents would tell me that their religion was right - follow their path. I would ask, "But how do you know?" And they would answer, "Because we have faith." And I would think, but so does everyone else! All these other people have faith that they are correct too! So what makes yours any different? I don't think there is an answer to that - they believe simply because they believe, but all the belief in the world doesn't make anything "right," just like my belief that my way is the right way doesn't make it right.

So if I take that as a fact - that just because I want something doesn't make it right, and it sure as hell doesn't make me entitled, then where do I go from there? I accept that I don't get to have my way. O.K. But it still pisses me off! I'm still irritated that I haven't gotten my way. I'm irritated that others get in my way. And that's where the more important question comes into play - how do I make my anger go away?

Here's the thing about anger - I find that it mostly just makes me miserable. The person I'm angry at - it makes absolutely no difference to them whatsoever, unless I'm acting out on that anger in retaliation, but all that causes is reason for them to be angry at me and often more friction, making me more mad at them, and thus more miserable, because that's what my anger does to me - eats me from the inside out. Just like the Big Book says - we step on the toes of our fellows as we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self pity. Our troubles are of our own making. Above all, we must be rid of our selfishness.

But how??? Well, the Big Book says, "God makes that possible." Great. Time to rely on a deity that I question the existence of. Fabulous. And as many times as I've heard "fake it until you make it", I just can't - mostly because my recovery is too important to me for it to hang vicariously out on a limb in a big dangerous storm. So go-go gadget translation skills!

God makes that possible. What can that mean for me? That Program makes it possible - that living my life in accordance with the steps and traditions makes it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Better yet, that continuing to try to live my life in accordance with the steps and traditions will make it possible for me to be rid of my selfishness. Terrific!

Is this true? Well, I can think of several principles that I've identified that are pretty opposite to selfishness: forgiveness, unity, acceptance, autonomy, generosity, service, tolerance and humility. So if I try to incorporate these principles in my daily life, as best as I can, then I automatically become less selfish, because I can't be forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble and of service to others, and simultaneously behave more selfishly than before. I'm pretty sure that's simple physics (or at least some kind of science).

The Big Book says that "there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid." I can interpret this to mean that there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without living the opposite principles. Fair enough. I cannot be less selfish without behaving less selfishly. I can buy that.

Reading on ... "many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." That's me, for sure. I always want to be a good person - I want to be selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble - but unfortunately, I don't seem to always want it more than I want my way. The Big Book says "neither could we reduce our own self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help." Crap. Translation problem again!

I totally agree that I cannot reduce my self-centeredness by wishing it away - that's true. Unquestionably I think action is necessary. But what about not being able to reduce my self-centeredness by "trying on my own power?" If I believe that practicing behaviors that are inconsistent with selfishness will make me less selfish, which I do, then I believe that my "own power" will indeed reduce my self-centeredness, don't I? What if my "own power" doesn't mean my "own actions" so much as my "instinctual power" or my "instintual actions"? That makes more sense! I have to look at my "own power" as those powers that are instinctual to me - those "first thoughts" that I have that are my knee jerk reactions. Those are the "powers" of mine that cannot remove my selfishness! And to claim those inconsistent actions that are selfless, kind, caring, forgiving, accepting, generous, tolerant, humble, as my own? Let me tell you, I did not come up with those on my own! At least, certainly not when done without an alterior motive in mind. So those inconsistent actions, and doing them even when I don't want to - that's program, that's "God", that's the "help" I need in order to get rid of my selfishness.

So that's the how and the why of it - being selfish is my problem, and I cannot be rid of my problem unless I take those actions which are not instinctual to me. The Big Book says I have to quit playing God. I don't have to translate here to get the point - whether I believe in God or not doesn't change whether I get to act like I'm God!

Next I have to decide that from hereafter in this drama of life, God is going to be my director. *insert crashing vehicle and screeching brake noises here*

Except that this just means that hereafter, program is going to be my guidance - the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions will guide me and direct me. O.K. - back on the road again.

"He is the Principal; we are His agents." Ugh. Let's just say that program guides, I follow - and I don't get to "make up" the principles in accordance with my wishes and commands. Fair enough.

"He is the Father, and we are His children." Um, not translatable, and certainly not indispensable. Point made already, move on.

"Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." Dramatic much? I guess if we started with an actor and a show, we might as well finish up with some drama.

*visualizing myself galloping through a new and triumphant arch to freedom as I practice this simple concept, and straining my eyes with all the rolling they're involuntarily doing*

(Although, it reminds me of what I've heard often that addicts want all kinds of reward and praise for doing those basics in life that we're supposed to do - that everyone else who's normal does - and if this isn't the perfect example! That simply behaving unselfishly is the keystone to a new and triumphant arch to freedom - yep, that's an addicts view of things alright. Go Bill!)

So the Big Book then says that when we sincerely take such a position (that is, for me, a position that program guides, not my instinctual behaviors and actions), all sorts of remarkable things will follow. We'll have a new all powerful employer, who will provide us with what we need, if we stay close to Him and perform His work well. We'll become less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs, and more interested in seeing what we can contribute to life. We'll feel new power flow in, enjoy peace of mind, and discover that we can face life successfully, not to mention become conscious of His presence. And we'll lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We'll be reborn!

Can anyone possibly be surprised about the confusion of the Big Book and 12 step programs being religious rather than spiritual?!?!?!

This last paragraph basically is like an infomercial. This is where I'm promised that everything is going to be hunkey dorey if I just follow the plan. And this is where I have to just accept that the infomercial is toting a product and they're going to tote it in their own language. Some infomercials are for crappy products, but some actually work. I believe this product (recovery) actually works, so I'll just have to accept that the infomercial runs a tad crappy at times.

Here's what I do know. When I sincerely take the position that program will be my guide and that I'm going to practice working its principles into all of my actions and behaviors, all sorts of remarkable things do follow! I do get everything I need provided for me, but that's because my perceptions of what I need change. I accept what I have. I have gratitude for what I have. I do become less interested in my self and my own plans and designs, because that's what happens when you act in a way that is focused on being of service to others and being kind, caring, forgiving, generous, tolerant and humble. My interest is re-directed towards others. That's called being more interested in seeing what I can contribute to life. Is this a new power? A new peace of mind? Sure - I have a different experience because I've changed my actions, and that includes peace of mind, because I know in my heart that it is a better way to be. Can I claim that I'm now facing life successfully? Absolutely. If I define success as living my life in accordance with the principles of program, then living my life in accordance with them is definitely success. And I become more conscious of program in my life - the more attention I pay to practicing the principles, the more conscious I will be of them. Lose my fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter? Reborn? Sure. Whatever.

The Big Book is nothing if not religiously superfluous at times. That's just one more thing for me to practice accepting - it will never be exactly what I want it to be, and being angry about that will only make me crazy. Accepting it and making with it and doing with it what I can - that is the triumphant arch through which I pass to freedom.