O.K. - I tried to put some labels on my prior posts, so hopefully that will help in the future when trying to find posts on a particular topic. It's hard to know what the topics should be so as to be most useful in the future though, so I tried to keep it to specific steps, traditions, character defects and higher power related things. I will probably have to revise those as I go, I'm sure, so we'll see.
For today, I thought I'd write a little bit about tradition one, inspired by an assignment I gave one of my sponsees. Tradition one says that our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon unity. How do I apply this in my daily life?
For starters, it tells me that my personal welfare does not come first - my personal recovery depends on me maintaining unity in my life and putting the common welfare of "the group" first. The more I try to take care of myself above all others, the more miserable I'm going to be. I think this is partly because there is no way to fully satisfy me - no matter how much I think I want or need, it is never enough. If I get everything I want, then I start to wonder whether I misjudged how much I needed or wanted. After all, if it was so easy, then I probably could have done better! Not to mention, as an addict (and perhaps simply as a human?), I always want to put my own needs first - me, me, me, me, me! Survival of the greediest, right? The fastest? The first? The most? The smartest?
I always equate "fittest" (from "survival of the fittest") with having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, smartest, etc., but survival of the fittest is about adaptation to your surrounding environment in order to achieve survival. Perhaps as a wild animal, that might equate to having the most, or being the best, quickest, strongest, whatever. But as a social animal, I think that maximum adaptation has more to do with compassion, kindness, humility, acceptance and unity. If I want to survive, I need to keep my social environment appealing, because without other participants, it's just not very social. And although my natural tendencies are toward isolation, my past has taught me that I'm not particularly happy when I've achieved that isolation, so I guess I just have to take it "on faith" that survival = successfully participating in a social environment, however unappealing I might find that to be at times. And "successfully participating" means that I have to be a compassionate, kind, humble (not better than, nor worse than anyone else) and accepting person.
So, what "groups" do I belong to? There is my home and those people with whom I live, my relationship, my family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.), my work environment, the street (all those people with whom I get to drive on the road everyday), my neighborhood, any group of people I might get to stand in line with at some store somewhere or at a restaurant on my lunch break, the meetings I attend, the internet communities I participate in, my book club, any various combination of me and a friend or group of friends, the state I live in, the country I live in, the world I live in ... All of these are group in which I participate, and at any given moment, I can identify a group to which I owe unity, and of which I need to consider the common welfare.
The common welfare of my home requires cleanliness - we all need it - sometimes I get lazy and don't want to clean up, and sometimes I get angry because I don't think others clean up enough. In order for me to live in recovery, I need unity in my home, and in order for me to have unity in my home, I have to clean up after myself. In addition, sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually clean up a mess that I didn't make - for the common welfare. And sometimes I might have to give up my personal comfort and actually live with a mess that maybe isn't as big of a deal as I would like to claim it is - for unity's sake. In the name of my "personal welfare", I would like to have everything done exactly my way, when I want it done, how I want it done; but for my "personal recovery", tradition one requires that common welfare and unity come first - and often that means that things do not get done exactly my way, when I want them done, how I want them done. If I want personal recovery, then I have to accept that, and allow for, things to "not go (or be) my way."
My relationship - the common welfare of my relationship requires honesty and intimacy (emotional and physical). Sometimes I don't want to participate, for whatever reason, but part of being in a relationship is providing for the other person's needs. Unity in my relationship means that sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do, or care about things I don't want to care about, or not get to do something that I might want to do, or not care about something that I might want to care about. It's always about balance - I've got to make sure that I exist in my relationship, by being honest about my feelings and asking for what I need and want, but I also have to be willing to hear the other person's honesty and to give to the other person their needs or wants.
My family - what fun. The common welfare of my family (parents/siblings), and the relationship that I have with each of them, requires that I call them every now and again, especially when they call me and leave a message to call them back. I don't like to call them. It's not because there is anything wrong with them or they are unpleasant - I think I just generally dislike any kind of obligation, like feeling like I have to call my mom or check in with my dad. And in my natural state of isolation, if I can avoid having to call people and share about myself with them, then I will. This includes my family. Of course, like most things - once I do it, it's not that big of a deal and I don't understand why I put it off for so long! But I do know that when I call various people in my family, it provides them with what they need, which is to feel connected with me and my life. So tradition one requires that I call my parents and siblings and keep in touch with them - for the common welfare of my family - not my own personal comfort.
My work environment - this one is easy - the common welfare of my work (bosses, co-workers) is that I come to work and do my job - help the company pay its bills and make a profit. But even more than that, I think the common welfare of my work environment is that I not gossip with other people, and I need to be courteous, kind and helpful. It's very simple - all I have to do is ask myself, how can I make this work day most enjoyable for all those around me? Do my job, not talk trash about others, and help people wherever I can.
The street and all those people I drive around and co-exist with in traffic - the common welfare necessitates that I follow the traffic laws. But more importantly, it also necessitates that I be courteous and patient and observant and cautious. If I asked myself, every time I got in my car to drive somewhere, how can I make this trip as best as possible for every one on the road with me, and actually aim to achieve that, then I am a better, safer driver. Usually I just get in the car and don't even give anyone else a thought - I want to get to where I want to go, usually as quickly as possible, and I often wonder about all those other idiots out there who are in my way - how do I get around them? But if I treated it as though my personal recovery depended on me aiming towards unity on the road - my, what a different experience I would have driving to work in the morning!
I think you get my point - I won't bore you with writing about all of my groups! The important thing for me to remember is that at any given point in time, I have to (a) identify the group in which I am functioning, (b) identify the common welfare of that group and what will best achieve unity in that group, and (c) act in such a way as to further that common welfare and promote unity of the group.
I read somewhere that unity depends on "harmonious cooperation" - listening to others' ideas, feelings and opinions, with an open mind (i.e. without having already made up my mind). Of course that doesn't mean that I can't have my own ideas, feelings and opinions - it just means that I don't get to force them on other people, and that it is more important that everyone I'm interacting with get to participate than it is for me to get things to go a particular way.
Which reminds me of one other thing - unity is not about being right - I might be totally right about something, and unity could require me to do something differently regardless. Sometimes it is more important for a group to make a bad or wrong decision about something, together, and then learn from that bad or wrong decision, together, than it is to allow discord among the group such that a decision never even gets to be made. I have to remember that it is usually not my job to make sure that any particular group makes a good or the right decision!
That's all I got for now ... wonder twin powers de-activate ... form as a productive employee ... (yeah, I'm a total dork!)
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