I read a fascinating share today about someone who defines her higher power simply as "action."
Came to believe that action could restore me to sanity (this is so true for me!).
Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to action (or perhaps made a decision to commit my will and my life to action).
Humbly acted such that my shortcomings are removed.
Continued to improve my conscious awareness of action, seeking only knowledge of what that action should be and how to best carry it out.
Those are my translations of incorporating "action" into the steps as a higher power - I think that it's very powerful and could probably work for many people, myself included. While I have been defining my higher power as the 12 steps & 12 traditions, I am always looking for other good, non-deity ways of interpreting the steps, and this is just one more to add to the file. I thought I would post it for anyone else who might be interested.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
practice makes ... better
I can't remember if I wrote about this or not - I don't think I have - but forgive me if I'm being repetitive. Awhile back I read some stuff about the 4th step, which made me remember things that I have learned about the 4th step, which made me look at the 9th step in a whole new light. I'll explain.
I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).
Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.
Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.
But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.
I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?
Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.
If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.
It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*
I did my 4th step quite some time ago and it took me far longer to do than it should have, because I approached it as I approach everything - until I think I can do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. I wouldn't work on it because every time I thought about it, I would decide that I didn't have sufficient time to make sufficient progress on it, so I just wouldn't bother. Ultimately, what worked best for me (when I could get myself to do it), was to write a little bit every night and to be O.K. with just doing "a little" (i.e. insufficient progress by my usually ridiculous standards).
Of course, if only I knew then what I know now! Looking back on my 4th step, I now realize that the true benefit of having done it was not so much about getting a long list of my shortcomings as a person, so much as it was about training me how to think differently and to look at my resentments, fears and harmful actions from a better, more productive perspective. The process taught me that when I'm pissed off about something, it's because there is something in me (my character defects) that makes this particular something piss me off, and when I'm scared about something, it's because there is something in me that makes this particular thing scare me, etc.
Basically, the 4th step was really just a long EXERCISE, not just a PRODUCT that I was supposed to produce. And the point of the exercise was to learn how to think differently (to approach my problems by looking at myself rather than at the other person, by focusing on what I can change and not on what I can't). The best way to accomplish this and actually learn how to apply this new way of thinking on a day-to-day basis going forward, is to have me apply it to each incident of resentment/fear that I could come up with in my life and just practice, practice, practice. It was resentment processing bootcamp! And after completing my 4th step, when a new resentment or fear cropped up in my life, I had a new, well-practiced approach I could take - a new method I'd learned - to help me deal so that the resentment or fear didn't have to take over my insides anymore.
But then I realized ... isn't doing the 8th & 9th steps exactly the same??? Am I looking at them as an exercise to learn how to clean up my messes or as an end product that I'm supposed to produce? (i.e. happy, healed relationships? or good karma because I've righted my wrongs? or maybe just getting those "9th step promises" to come true?) If it's the former, then it is not about getting it done perfectly, just about getting it done - learning how to do it - practicing the process so I get better at it and it becomes more natural.
I have struggled with step 9 for a long time - how can I ever say I completed my amends if I didn't try to hunt down some kid I teased in 6th grade so I could apologize??? I've gone round and round in my head, debating how far back in my life I needed to go, what "wrongs" were bad enough that I had to right them, and about which things was I just being overly perfectionistic. (I don't think that's actually a word, but hopefully you know what I mean - basically the hall monitor in my head likes to repeat the exact wording of the steps "made a list of ALL people we had harmed" and "made direct amends WHEREVER POSSIBLE ..." and then I can't decide whether I need go pay for a pack of gum I might have stolen when I was 5.) And of course, if I can't do something perfectly, why do it all?
Another thing that occurred to me is that steps 4, 5, 8 and 9 were written from a religious, biblical, atonement type perspective - confessing your sins, asking for forgiveness, being absolved, etc. I spend a lot of time having to translate things from program and the Big Book to fit in with my agnostic beliefs, but I only do that with things that specifically reference God or prayer, etc. It never occurred to me to use my translation skills in ALL of the steps, including steps 8 and 9.
If I take the idea of a deity-type God and other religious-type notions out of steps 8 and 9, and instead approach them from the perspective of learning to live a more principled life by righting the harms that I cause, then it is not about whether I have actually listed any and every person I might have caused any form of harm to in my entire life, and it actually becomes something doable. Now I can make a list of people I have harmed and to whom I believe in my heart I owe amends. Now I can go out and start making those amends so I can PRACTICE how to right my wrongs, learn how to do it better and without actually causing more harm in the process, and face my fears of having to admit my faults and apologize for the harm I cause.
It's a good skill to have really, if you think about it - being able to admit your wrongs and apologize for them. What a concept! But so often that is the case in recovery - oh so obvious and simple, and yet oh so difficult to figure out and achieve. *sigh*
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
wheelbarrows
I have said, and I have had my sponsees say to me, that being held accountable is absolutely necessary for recovery. Sometimes I wonder if me trying to hold my sponsees accountable is the right thing to do - on the one hand, if they're going to recover, they need to find a way to do it without me harping on them to "do this" or "do that", but on the other hand, I know from my own experience that having to account to someone else for my actions makes me a thousand times more likely to actually take those actions. So perhaps the "resistance" that I sometimes feel when it comes to accountability stems more from an aversion to accountability than from an attitude of "encouraging independence."
I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!
So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.
Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.
When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.
(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.
(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.
I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).
Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!
The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.
So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.
But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!
Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).
And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.
See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.
I think that to my core, I am a procrastinator. In trying to determine whether it is the "have to's" or the "want to's" that actually get done, I've come to the conclusion that things that I want to do seem to get done. But there are those things that I want to do that never get done. Realistically, I have to consider whether I really want to get those things done or whether I simply think that I should get those things done. My bet is on the latter, because when I simply have to get something done, I usually pull it off. The trick is for it to really be a "have to" though, because if I sense any weakness in the necessity of something, I will put it off! I'm like a vulture that way!
So I live my life in a perpetual 3-column to-do list of "must do's", "should do's" and "want to do's," and if the only way for me to get something done is to get it in the "must do" list, then there are a lot of things that I should do or want to do that apparently will never get done. This is because I'm always trying to put out the immediate fires in the "must do" list. Which brings me to wheelbarrows.
Wheelbarrows are those things in life that by accomplishing them, you make other events or tasks in your life faster, easier or better. For example, every time I need a spice from the cupboard in my kitchen, I have to search amongst an array of disorganized little bottles and tin cans and it takes me forever to find the one I need (unless I determine that I don't have it, in which case I purchase it only to later discover that I did have it and now I have two). So irritating! The wheelbarrow in this example would be organizing my spice cupboard. If I spent an hour (or in my case, two or three) organizing my cupboard so that I can find whatever spice I need, I will save myself tenfold in the days, weeks, months to come, because I won't have to spend all that time searching, nor will I have to experience the frustration of not being able to find what I need or of purchasing an unneeded duplicate. So spending your time on your wheelbarrows is a good thing.
When it comes to recovery, I need to: (a) find my wheelbarrows and (b) figure out how to accomplish those wheelbarrows.
(a) The Wheelbarrows. I think the wheelbarrows of recovery are those little daily things we put in place that essentially create our safety net for when things get bad. It's almost the reverse of how I usually think of a wheelbarrow! I usually think of a wheelbarrow as a big project to do now that makes smaller projects in the future even smaller. But in recovery, I think the wheelbarrows are the little things I do now that make the big things in the future not-so-big. Perhaps I'm thinking about the typical wheelbarrow incorrectly - maybe the typical wheelbarrow is actually something relatively small now (seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) that makes the allegedly big thing in the future (also seemingly big only because of the frustration I feel when confronted with the problems I experience because I haven't done the wheelbarrow yet) seem not-so-big in the future. Yeah, let's go with that. So the wheelbarrows of recovery are the little daily things that I can do to ensure that I'm working the steps, living my life in accordance with the principles of the program, and keeping in contact with other people so that should I run into difficulties, I don't have to simultaneously deal with whatever difficulty has cropped up, as well as the anxiety and problems that come with trying to access some support system that I purport to have in place but have never actually figured out how to use.
(b) The Brainteaser. How do I accomplish these wheelbarrows? I know that I need to get these wheelbarrows done, but I'm not sure of the path to that end. The problem is that it is really easy for those wheelbarrows to fall down onto my "want to" or "should do" list and never get done. If I'm operating on an "immediate fire only" basis (my "have to" list) and there's no immediate fire that needs extinguishing (my wheelbarrows are "should do" or "want to do"), then nothing gets done. So I either need to make those wheelbarrows a "must do", or I need to figure out how to get more done than just my "must do" list.
I did a little research on living a more balanced, organized life, and I came across an article about controlling your workday that actually provided some interesting analogous suggestions. The first suggestion was to get one task done first thing, before even checking your email. It is supposed to set the tone for your day, as well as add at least one thing to your "accomplished" list for the day, even if all else fails. What can my recovery "get one task done first thing" be? Well, that brings me to tip #2, which is to deliberately choose your MIT ("most important task," which should be a small, achievable and important item). The article I read recommended that you set your MIT the night before. I think that tip #1 and tip #2 are interrelated - that the "first thing" task would be your MIT - I'm sure that's what they meant, although they didn't actually say as much. Anyway, applying this to my recovery, I need to set my MITs and make sure I do them first thing (before even checking my email).
Well, the MITs reminded me of the Step 11 stuff in the big book - you know, that stuff about "when we retire at night" and "upon awakening" that I avoid like the plague?!?! See, I just don't like it - it doesn't fit nicely into this little arrangement I've got going on that I call my life. But I read a little bit more closely, and I noticed that the big book says "we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions." Yep - the key word there is suggestions!
The goal of Step 11 is to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand God, and the questions to answer before bed, the asking for of forgiveness, the praying for direction, etc. - those are all just suggestions. And for an agnostic like me, the key is always in my interpretation of the suggestions.
So I have to ask myself, what's the point of these suggestions??? The "before bed" questions are basically getting you to honestly look at yourself and your character defects - do you owe any immediate amends? Do you have any secrets that you need to tell your sponsor? Where are you at spiritually, emotionally, physically? And as far as asking for forgiveness, inquiring about corrective measures - this is nothing more than simply letting go - review what you did, let go of your f-ups, and make sure you check with your gut to see if there's anything you feel like you need to actually fix.
But I've been soooooo unable to actually implement this in my nightly routine - I can't seem figure out a way to get myself to do it! I'm tired at night! I'm watching TV or reading a book or just hanging with my peeps. And in the morning, I hear about people spending an hour (or even more?!?!?!) reading literature and meditating and journaling and I think ... um ... I don't know what time these people have to work, but I don't have time in the morning for all that! I'm doing good just to actually get myself to work on time!
Then the thought occurs to me ... what if I take these suggestions, and simply change them up a little bit so they fit with me. It's worked for everything else in the big book - why shouldn't it work for Step 11 too? (I know, my brilliance must just confound everyone.) What if before going to bed, I just think for a second or two about my plans for the next day and I set a couple of intentions for myself - just a thing or two that I'd like to focus on the next day and work on changing my behavior - a daily resolution of something to try to achieve the next day. That's it, nothing more. Well, maybe even a quick thought of what the prior night's resolution was - did I work on it at all? If not, no biggie - just good information to have - maybe I can try again the next day. The end goal really is just achieving awareness - the more I remind myself of something, the more likely I am to remember it when I really need to).
And what if right when I get to work, before I read my emails, I open up a new email to my sponsor and I write a quick summary of the prior day - any character defects that popped up, any issues I struggled with, any secrets I might have had, any good things that might have happened, any questions I might have, etc. I know my sponsor will certainly let me know if there are any corrective measures that I need to take that I haven't figured out for myself already! That's it, nothing more. Just a check-in where I look honestly at myself, my character defects and where I am spiritually, emotionally, physically.
See, I'm not sure when all this daily stuff became too big for me to really conquer, but somehow it did and I just stopped doing it. It reminds me of this little chihuahua I used to have who was very timid and scared and he really didn't like people other than me to pay him any attention. Whenever someone did, he would look away as if thinking, "maybe if I don't look at this person, they won't see me." I think that's what I do - maybe if I don't look at my crap, it won't really be there. Except that it is, and it isn't going anywhere unless I use the tools I've learned in program to deal with it. So it's time to get my head out of the sand and face the world - which reminds me of something else - I once told a sponsee who was burying her head in the sand, so to speak, that the funny thing about hiding your head in the sand is that when you do, you've got your ass bared for the whole world to see. So true.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
complacency
complacent [kuh
m-pley-suhnt]
–noun, plural -cies.
pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied
Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.
Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.
But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.
I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).
So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.
Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.
So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).
Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.
I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.
So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.
Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)
So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)
m-pley-suhnt]–noun, plural -cies.
pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied
Complacency is one of my character defects, for sure. Boy, when I get comfortable, I really get complacent and it's so easy for me to just forget about the potential danger of my disease and become very self-satisfied and content with my comfort. How quickly I can forget my misery! Such a double-edged sword too - it's good that I'm not suffering, but bad that I can forget that I suffer when I'm not living in recovery. I believe the Big Book calls this "resting on our laurels." I've also heard it expressed as "too much life and not enough program" or "the benefits of program getting in the way of the source of the benefits" (or something along those lines). Regardless, things get good, and I stop doing what made things get so good. I get complacent.
Resisting the urge to make a New Year's resolution, I find myself wanting to resolve to all new behaviors this 2009 - new attitudes, new rules, new everything. Of course resolutions never do much for me though. For starters, it's already the 8th, which makes any resolution I might make completely pointless, because if I can't start on the 1st and do it perfectly until the end, then I just can't do it at all. I'll just have to start in 2010 I guess. Not to mention, it's Thursday. You cannot start anything new on a Thursday! That's what Mondays are for. Or Sundays. But never Thursdays.
But I just can't shake that feeling of newness in the air - beginnings - that inherently comes along with that new year I get to learn how to write on my checks. Such a perfect time to "start" things! And I know that I've been falling into complacency, so of course I want to resolve to make it all better.
I was just reading about setting intentions - not the kind that "pave the road to hell", but the good kind that are a real commitment to doing something for the right reasons (as opposed to for selfish reasons). Basically, the writing was about setting an intention for yourself every day - something to work towards for the day or to be aware of throughout the day - and then following through. Because my step 3 is making a commitment to live my life in accordance with the 12 steps and 12 traditions, this idea really appealed to me - starting each day with an identified intention for that day and then following through. My identified intentions can be ways in which I want to change my behavior such that I am living my life more in accordance with those principles that I have already identified as desirable (the 12 steps and 12 traditions).
So today I am recognizing a need for SURRENDER. I need to surrender the "results" (or "outcomes") of/in my life - my job, my relationships, my recovery. I cannot control these things, and I cannot force any result or outcome to be as I want it to be simply by behaving in a way that I think should make it happen. Part of this is because I don't control all the variables, so I'm already behind. But also, I might be wrong about what behaviors will actually achieve my desired result or outcome. Not to mention, I just assume that my identified result or outcome is the right one. I always seem to think that whatever idea I come up with is the best one, but then I am surprised when someone else comes up with something that I perceive as "brilliant" and a thousand times better than what I had come up with. Amazing! Amazing that I didn't come up with it myself? Amazing that someone else could actually have such brilliant ideas? Um, yeah ... amazing.
Of course when I try to manipulate, control or change results, it is a never-ending hamster wheel. I get on this wheel and all I can see is what is directly in front of me - that desire to obtain some identified result. I can never seem to reach this desire (running, running, running!), nor can I find a way off this ever-increasing-in-speed wheel. And I just know that the second I take my eyes off the prize, I will surely fall all over myself and make a huge mess of things. Meanwhile, life passes me by on the side, and I can't even see it because I don't want to fall and make a mess of things. Or, I make a mess of things anyway, because unbeknownst to me, the real cause of the mess was in fact the constant turning of the wheel, which I made sure never stopped, because I had already decided that I needed to get on the wheel and nothing was going convince me that the wheel was not where I was supposed to be.
So surrender ... today I am setting an intention to surrender. I will surrender whether I am going to be successful at work; I will surrender the who's, what's, where's, when's and why's of my life and simply be at peace with them; I will surrender whether my recovery is perfect to today, whether it will be perfect tomorrow, and whether it will be perfect ever. It won't. I will surrender the false idea that it ever can be, or that there is something wrong with me if it is not perfect. I will surrender perfection in general - I will never be a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect spouse, a perfect anything! I will surrender the idea that anyone else will ever be a perfect employee, boss, friend, spouse, etc. Today my intention is to embrace powerlessness - in everything. I will relish in the relief that I don't have to fix everything (because I can't).
Today I am also recognizing a need for UNITY. I think I have been spending far too much time these days looking to achieve personal happiness rather than group unity. I had originally written that I have been spending too much time seeking personal "serenity", but let's be honest - my brain thinks I'll be serene so long as I get what I want! So really, it is my personal instant gratification that I've been seeking. Regardless, my lack of focus on unity is evident in my life. When I'm seeking personal happiness (instant gratification or serenity - whatever I want to call it), I am being self-seeking. Selfishness and self-seeking are the root of all our problems, says the Big Book, and this is true! Why??? Simply because if you have to get your way in order to be O.K., you're not going to be O.K. most of the time - that's just the way of the world. There are far too many people on this planet for all of us to be able to have our way most of the time (if even any of the time). So I need to find a way to be O.K. without having my way.
I heard a speaker say once "I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful man." That's me. Except for the man part. But that's me - I am a selfish, self-centered, fearful person. Period. But I do know that I can learn not to act out on these things, and in fact that they can go away all together! I know that I have also been very giving, brave, kind, considerate and humble at times - I am definitely capable of those things. And here's the kicker - I'm very happy when I am those things! I feel serene, happy, gratified, even full (not with food - just with good feelings). I just have to figure out how to replace my selfish, self-centered, fearful ways, when they crop up, with my giving, brave, kind, considerate, humble ways. And the only way to do it??? Practice. I just have to practice. I have to be aware, and I have to practice.
So for today, away with my complacency! I am hereby setting my intentions today to focus on being aware of my powerlessness, being O.K. with my powerlessness, and with working towards unity in those situations around me - being aware that I'm not entitled to have my way, being O.K. with not getting my way.
Oh, and one other thing that I've become very away of these past few days/weeks ... and this is probably an entirely different post altogether so perhaps I'll do some more writing on this later, but I have become very aware of the fact that everything that I'm most annoyed about in other people is something that I do myself. I know. I am some rocket scientist today! But anyways ... an example ... there is a particular person in my life who has been driving me crazy lately and I could make a list a mile long of various faults that I have found in this person. Except that I've noticed that if I look at each and every fault, and I honestly look at myself, I could give you ten (if not twenty) examples of how I am just like that!!! (Please, hold your gasps until the end.)
So I'm sure that this is something that I learned about as a kid - a thief looks at the world as a bunch of thieves - perhaps I should check out that book "all I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten" - I bet it's good. And I'm sure that I need to start writing about all these things that are annoying me, and then identify where in my life that I am just like that. I know it's there - I just haven't looked at it enough yet. Perhaps a preview for my next post. But that's all I got for now ... off to go act like an employee and actually work. (NOW you can gasp.)
Friday, December 19, 2008
christmas spirit
Ah, the holidays. I have to admit that I'm a little excited. But that's because I really enjoy giving gifts to the people in my life. I don't get as excited about receiving gifts - partly, I think, because I feel awkward and self-conscious when I am the center of attention, and partly because it seems rare that someone knows me well enough to get me something that I really need or want. But giving - I put a lot of thought into gifts and I try really hard to give things to people that I truly believe they will love. Of course, for all I know, they walk away thinking "boy she doesn't really know me at all!" But at least I still feel like I gave them something meaningful and I enjoy the process of finding the "perfect" gift and giving it to its intended recipient - I can hardly stand the anticipation between those two things! At heart, I will always be looking for that instant gratification.
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
I was listening to a speaker in the car this morning - I love listening to speakers on CD - and I heard a couple of things that I really liked. He made a joke about the difference between an alcoholic and a normal person - he said that when faced with two doorways, one labeled "peace and happiness" and one labeled "instant gratification", the latter of which has a person with a baseball bat hiding on the other side of it, each will peak their head into the door with "instant gratification" label and will be hit on the head by the person with the baseball bat. The normal person will then leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will choose the door labeled "peace and happiness." The alcoholic, on the other hand, will leave that room and when given the choice again between the two doors, will again choose the door labeled "instant gratification" and will again be hit on the head with the baseball bat. The alcoholic will then leave that room and think, "I should check again - maybe he won't be in there this time," and will again go through the door labeled "instant gratification." And if the person with the baseball bat isn't there the next time, the alcoholic will actually wonder where he went and go look for him.
I laughed at this comparison - it has so much truth to it! As an addict, I'm always wanting to choose that path of instant gratification! And it is not so much a rejection of peace and happiness, because I do definitely want that, but it is more from a erroneous belief that instant gratification will result in peace and happiness. It's like I have this belief inside me that I'm smarter than anyone and everyone else and I have the secret of actually achieving BOTH simply by choosing the route of instant gratification. And even if I get burned, I will try it again and again and again, because that belief that I can have both through instant gratification is fundamental to my core.
The other thing that the speaker talked about that stuck with me had to do with his story of growing up - he said that as he went through life, he spent all his time building up this wall around him - someone would hurt him and he would add another brick to the wall. This wall acted as protection against being hurt again and prevented people from getting to him, but what he didn't realize was that this wall also prevented him from getting out! I really related to his story because growing up, I worked really hard to build up a super-secure wall that would prevent anyone from ever getting to the real me and hurting me. I felt so safe behind my wall! But I also felt alone and unloved, and I hated the world because I felt alone and unloved. And when I did want to reach out and get that love and attention, I couldn't because my wall was there blocking me from the outside just as much as it was blocking the outside from me.
In recovery, I have had to tear down those walls - or at least tear a lot of holes into those walls. I know that there is still some semblance of walls here and there - I find myself ducking behind them when things get a little uncomfortable. And I'm sure that I've even added a few bricks back onto those walls along the way, but in no way are they "secure" anymore. People can get to me and I can get hurt, but people can get to me and I can also feel loved! And I can get to people and I can love and be loved.
It is an imperfect process, for sure. I have heard people say before that it is all O.K. because they feel loved and accepted by their higher power, or because their higher power will protect them. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I don't feel loved, accepted or protected by any great deity out in the universe. Sometimes I feel like I got the short end of the stick, and other times I feel like the other person just got duped. Sometimes I wish that I did just believe - that everything would be so much better if I could! But I also know that at the core of my recovery are the concepts of honesty, acceptance and humility. I have to be honest about what it is that I do believe, and I really do not believe at my core that there is a great deity out there in the universe. (I don't believe that there isn't or couldn't be, but I also don't believe that there is either.) And I have to accept what it is that I believe right now and work with it. It's all I've got! And I have to be humble - that I'm no better than nor worse than anyone else, regardless of their beliefs. I'm not better than those who believe (i.e. they're weren't "just duped"), and I'm not worse than them either (i.e. screwed because I got the short end of the stick).
That's all I got for now - gotta run to an unexpected work event.
(edited only for typos from my earlier haste to post)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
planned disappointments
I have heard the saying before that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. I think I have been struggling with these lately.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
I heard at a meeting recently (from a quote in the literature) something along the lines of "mature love is neither possessive nor controlling." This spoke to me because sometimes I have a hard time wanting to control anything and everything, including those relationships that exist in the lives of the people in my life. I have learned that when I am feeling the need to control (people, places, things), then I am either living in fear (that I'm not going to get something I want, or that I'm going to lose something I have), or I am simply being arrogant (that I know better, can do better, and always have the right answer). Not only that, but I get extremely irritable and actually have hurt feelings when I don't think that my opinion was heard or taken the way I think it should have been taken! Yes, it is me who is the victim, I seem to think. Except that I know better. I've been around the block enough to know that when something is bothering me, the only way to sanity is to find out what it is about ME that is making this particular something bother me so much.
I want to have this mature kind of love in my life - I don't want to be possessive or controlling. And sometimes this is SO easy for me! But other times, not so much so. I get into the most trouble when I think that I am justified in my feelings of frustration, annoyance or irritation. Sometimes I believe that I'm right, and I want nothing more than to find others who will agree with me, all under this warped illusion that somehow being right and having others agree with me will actually change the situation and make it better (i.e. the way that I want it to be). But it doesn't work that way. My sponsor told me once that she might think that her sister has a messed up relationship with some guy, and that she could poll a thousand people and get 98% of them to agree with her and join her "this relationship is messed up" club, but it doesn't matter or change anything because it's not her relationship to control or change (or her life to live).
That is where I find myself today ... I want to poll a thousand people and get 98% of them (I'd probably even settle for a solid majority at this point) to agree with me and join my "that relationship is messed up" club. Somehow I think that would make me feel better, but more importantly, that maybe it would somehow change the relationship that currently is a thorn in my side and make it be the way I want it to be. Except that it isn't my relationship and it's none of my business. I have to remember that I am not miserable because this particular relationship is what it is today - I am miserable because I need this particular relationship to be different!
Which brings me back to where I started, which is that expectations are nothing but planned disappointments. Perhaps I need this relationship to be different because I expected it to be different. And of course, since I expected things to be different, they should be, right??? How dare anything turn out any differently than how I had planned!!!
So what is it inside me that makes this bother me so much? Fear - that I won't get enough, that I won't be important enough, that I won't be loved, that I'll get hurt, that I'll give more than I get, that I'm not good enough. There's some arrogance - that my idea of how a particular relationship should be is right, that my experiences are the way that all experiences should be, that experiences different than mine are wrong, that I'm so important that all else should come second, that I deserve more, that something is true just because I feel it (i.e. that I don't have enough, that I'm not important enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not loved). And of course a little bit of selfishness - I want more, I want better, and I want things to turn out exactly how I expect so that I never have to deal with surprise or disappointment.
I think that sometimes the power greater than myself that restores me to sanity is just a little bit of perspective - that wisdom inside me that recognizes maybe, just maybe, I'm not as right as I think I am, and that while my feelings exist (can't ignore the feelings I have!), it doesn't mean that things on the outside of me have to change. Nor does it mean that they can't or won't change. First and foremost, I must decipher what I can and cannot change, then I must accept that which I cannot change and have the courage to change that which I can.
I cannot change what my expectations were, or that I made the mistake of having all kinds of expectations. I cannot change that I'm disappointed because I expected thing to be different than they are. I cannot change others' relationships. These things I must accept.
I can change what I expect tonight, tomorrow, the next day and the days thereafter. I can make diligent efforts to simply expect that things might always turn out in such a way that I don't expect (or prefer). I can also change my response to my own preferences - set some boundaries and remove myself from situations that I don't want to be in. (What a concept that I can remove myself and not worry about what the other person does - not my business!) I can remember that I'm living in fear and arrogance and I can make concerted efforts to practice being brave and humble.
That is where the recovery lies for me - in the acceptance of those things I cannot change, in finding the courage to change those things I can, and in wisely figuring out which is which.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
addendum
I knew yesterday's short post was too good to be true! I never have that little to say!
So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.
And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.
This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.
This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)
So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!
So I wanted to add something to my little dictation on prayer. I got to thinking on my way home about my acronym for prayer and I wondered if it was enough. Is "practicing the reverse and adjusting yourself" sufficient to bring about the change that program promises us? I wondered whether it lacked a sort of quiet calming reflection that perhaps might be what makes prayer so useful or helpful to those who believe in god. If the actions I take in steps 6 and 7 are the same as the "prayer and meditation" from step 11, then why are they different steps? Defining prayer in a way that merges it with another step just didn't feel quite right. Plus, can external action help if internal concentration is needed? I wondered whether prayer might be more of a mental-related "action" than a physical-related action.
And then I read something from another agnostic this morning that I found to be dead on-point and quite profound so I thought I'd share it here. He said that he was an atheist when he came to program but was willing to do anything, which included praying every morning and evening and that, like reading, it helps to calm his head down. He said that he believes his higher power to be his inner self and that "prayer" for him "is actually about shutting the noisy child down and allowing the adult inside [him] to have his say." He also said that when he prays and asks for answers, he gets them.
This actually makes more sense to me than my acronym - talking to yourself, essentially - talking to the calmer, wiser you, and asking the sane part of yourself to consider something. So when my sponsor tells me to give something away and ask that it be removed, maybe this is more about letting go of a situation and a character defect that I do not have the power to control, spending some quiet time talking to my inner self about how I would like to be and seeking the ability to be that way, and then of course practicing the corresponding opposite of that character defect while my inner self figures out how to be that way on a more permanent basis.
This is a little confusing for me because the context in which my question about defining prayer came up had to do with character defects, which is partially what led me to the acronym that involved practicing the opposite, but prayer is also brought up in step 11 (which I've always thought of as "study") or in the context of general program advice to "pray about it." So I guess that "pray" doesn't always mean the same thing to me - sometimes it might mean "study", and other times it might mean quiet time talking to my inner self, asking for answers, asking for guidance (what's the best thing for me to do here? what feels right?). I believe that's called a "polysemy" - one word, multiple meanings. (And no, I'm not that brilliant - I had to look that one up.)
So no more fancy acronym for me I guess ... I'm moving on to the more advanced polysemy!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
pray-er
What to do when someone advises you to PRAY about something. How does that work? I've been racking my brain on this one! When I'm translating Step 11, I say "study and meditate" instead of "pray and meditate", which works well for me, but when my sponsor advises me to give something away and pray to have it removed - I know that she's right, but how do I translate that to take out the "god" part so I don't feel phoney?
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
My higher power is program - program is what removes my compulsion/ obsession, as well as my character defects. But how? Working steps 6 and 7 for me is about practicing the corresponding opposites of my defects of character so that my character defects are removed. The more I practice the opposite, the more the "habit" of my character defect becomes the "habit" of the opposite.
So if I'm giving something away and praying for it to be removed, what do I do? I guess that "giving it away" would would be to remind myself that it's none of my business - not mine to fix, not mine to judge, not mine to worry about, simply not mine!
And to pray about it ... I came up with this acronym ...
P ... practice the
R ... reverse and
A ... adjust
Y ... yourself
So I'm going to remind myself that it is not mine (not my business, not mine to judge, not mine to fix, not mine to worry about), and then I am going to practice the reverse and adjust myself to have it removed. It's corny, it's crass, but it's the best I could come up with and it will work. At the end of the day, living in recovery as an agnostic for me is all about translation. When I can come up with a way that it makes sense to me, then I can do it and it can work for me. Otherwise, I spend all my time fighting the words and missing the recovery that can be had by practicing the principles, which just sucks!
Wow. I think that's my shortest post EVER! :)
Friday, November 14, 2008
individual practice plan
So we have a new head guy here at work, and one of his things is for everyone to develop their own individual practice plan for the year - review your results from last year, set your goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus your efforts to develop business next year. (My plan is to do what I'm told, which is generally what someone in my position does! But don't worry - I found more frilly words in which to say that.)
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
It made me think. What if I were to create an individual practice plan for my program?!?! What would that look like? I could look at my results from last year, set some goals for next year, and expand upon areas in which to focus my efforts to improve my recovery. Seemed like kind of a cool idea to me.
A review of last year. Well, for starters, I finally developed a strong conception of my higher power and that was a real biggie for me! It is something that I have struggled with for such a long time - is there a god? How do I define god? How to I "communicate" with my higher power? How do I "seek guidance" from my higher power? These things used to plague me whenever I heard people talk about them and it would ALWAYS cause me pause. I didn't know! The definition kept changing, and I never knew how much I would believe on any given day. I didn't know how to communicate with or seek guidance from a higher power that I couldn't define!
Developing program and its principles as my higher power was a huge turning point for me. All of a sudden, it was like the lights were turned on in this room that I had spent years searching around, looking so hard into complete darkness and thinking I saw something only to find out when I got closer that nothing was there. I actually resigned from the debating society like the Big Book suggests - it no longer matters who, what, or if god is! My program and my recovery simply do not depend on a resolution to that issue anymore. It's actually as though I finally got that "outside issue" outside of things.
Now I was going to say that I've had a spiritual awakening, but it made me wonder - what is a spiritual awakening? What is spirituality? So I looked up "spiritual" in the dictionary, scanned the many proffered definitions, and picked the ones that I liked best:
"of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature"
"of, relating to, consisting of, or having the nature of spirit; not tangible or material"
"lacking material body or form or substance"
"of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher endowments of the mind; mental; intellectual"
"of or pertaining to the moral feelings or states of the soul, as distinguished from the external actions; reaching and affecting the spirits"
For me, having had a spiritual awakening means that I have had an awakening (or a development/discovery/awareness) of the parts of me that aren't physical - my mind, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my inner wisdom - those things that make me who I am (besides the obvious physical attributes that exist on the outside). I guess it is those things that someone else gets to know about me only if I let them. It's the substance behind my gray matter. Anyone can know what color hair I have or how tall I am just by looking at me, but the insides - those are reserved for those who get to know me on a deeper emotional level. And quite frankly, I am just getting to know myself on a deeper emotional level! That, I believe, is a spiritual awakening. Except that by nature of the definition, it is not over - I keep growing, which means that there is always more to get to know. Kind of like job security, of the recovery variety.
My goals for next year? (Starting right now, though.) I want all the same, but bigger, brighter and better. I want to establish a stronger practice of the principles of the program in all my affairs. On a daily basis, I need to reconfirm with myself that I am not in control and that practicing the principles of the program is a better way to live. I need to commit to trying to live that way on a daily basis. I need to focus on looking at my own inventory, humbly fessing up to my wrongs, committing to doing the work necessary to correct those wrongs and making amends where my wrongs have harmed others. And I need to do these things daily. I need to study the principles of the program, and continue to learn about them and how I can apply them in my life. And I need to make concerted efforts to share my experience, strength and hope with others.
But what an order! I can't go through with it! (I couldn't resist ...)
The best thing about the individual practice plan was identifying actual concrete actions to take in order to accomplish my goals. What are concrete actions I can take to reach my recovery goals? Every morning I want to read through my one-word list of what I have identified as the principles of the program, and then identify at least one thing that I specifically want to go out of my way to practice that day. And before bed every night, I want to do steps 10 and 11. I want to look at my own crap every single night. I have found it helpful in the past to review a list of my character defects at night and identify which ones I know I had trouble with that day, and I have also found it helpful to answer the straight-up big book questions (where have I been resentful, fearful, selfish and dishonest?). I don't care which way I chose to do it on any given night, just so long as I do one of them (or some other method I might develop at some point) and look at my own crap every single night.
I think at the end of the day, the method matters so much less than the effort. Doing something simply has GOT to be better than nothing. And I am such a perfectionist that I get paralyzed by my own standards - thinking I cannot possibly measure up so why even bother trying??? Except that pure irony ensures that I cause that which I am trying to avoid - I want to avoid screwing things up, so I do nothing, thus screwing things up. Soooo not effective!
So that is my individual practice plan for my recovery - a little bit, every day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
oh great murphy!
I am coming to believe that perhaps I have sufficient evidence to support a theory that in fact there is a god in control of everything that surrounds me in this universe, and that god is Murphy. That would be Murphy - as in Murphy's Law - that general premise that "if anything can go wrong, it will." Or "if there is more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way;" "anything that can go wrong, will;" "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong (and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way);" "anything that has a probability of happening greater than zero can and will happen - no exceptions." Yeah. I think that Murphy just might be in charge of any and every thing there is to be in charge of. And I don't think it's such a bad idea to base my recovery on that.
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
When people say that something is going to happen "in god's time" - that's true when inserting "Murphy" in place of "god." Murphy's Law dictates that it will NEVER be when you want it to happen or when you're prepared for it to happen or when it's convenient for it to happen, except for when you are prepared to wait an eternity and simply do not care when it should happen. So if you live in accordance with Murphy's Will, and accept that the only way for something to truly happen is to be O.K. with it not happening, you're golden! Because it will either happen, which is what you wanted, or it won't, which won't matter because you are in fact O.K. with it not happening.
Another example - can Murphy restore me to sanity? Of course! What better way to be sane than to simply accept that life will never be sane. I believe there is peace in knowing that you will never have perfect peace. And I think it is the seeking of something that cannot be found that is far worse than simply not having what it is you are seeking.
Turning my will and my life over to the care of Murphy? Why not? It is anyways. In fact, thanks to Murphy, thinking that I somehow have control over this occurring anyways is all Murphy! According to Murphy, if I want control, I have to let go of control (i.e. not want it). At the end of the day, control really is just an illusion. I don't have it, I can't get it, and the harder I try to get it, the less I have. An ideal example of irony - causing the very thing I am trying to avoid - in trying to avoid chaos, being uncomfortable, and not having control, I make my life chaotic, uncomfortable and out of control.
Believing that Murphy will take care of me? That I know for sure! It seems like on a daily basis, I can speak to something that reflects Murphy's presence in my life. And when I accept, understand and believe that Murphy is in control and is going to take care of things, my life is better, simply because there's just no sense in getting mad when I've accepted that what can go wrong, will, and that Murphy gets to decide. It's about respect - I respect Murphy's power.
Of course, the law of physics (really it's just science generally, but "physics" sounded smarter for some reason) also seems to be making a strong showing as status of higher power. Science is in control of things. Things happen when they do - period. Trying to make them happen at some other time? Futile. And how does science remove my compulsion? Simple - when I focus on my part in things, I'm not focusing on the other party's part, thus making me a saner person (I stop trying to change the unchangeable); when I'm practicing the opposites of my character defects, I can't practice my character defects; when I'm focusing on righting my wrongs, I'm not "wronging" (I know - not a word - but I have it on good authority that a person can make up their own words and still be president, so it can't be that terrible can it?); and when I'm behaving in a recovered fashion, I am in recovery. The tools help as well - making phone calls, going to meetings, doing service, etc. - when I'm doing these things, I'm too busy in recovery to be practicing my disease. It's simply science.
So ladies and gentlemen, not that my higher power was/is up for replacement (re-election? that's not a bad idea - subjecting a higher power to re-election every so often), but perhaps more as an explanation as to why program and its principles work as my higher power. Could be Murphy, could be Science. Of course, if I assume it's science, it's Murphy, and if I assume it's Murphy, it's science, but only according to Murphy, which still makes it Murphy. I think we have our winner!
Oh, and a little follow up on my "sponsor drama" mentioned before ... I know I've talked about how "in god's time" means to me simply "not in my time" (or perhaps "not upon my demand!"), and how "god's plan" means "not my plan." Well, I think my sponsor drama was a good lesson for me about accepting things in a time other than my own, and allowing for a plan other than my own. I had all these preconceived ideas about who my sponsor could be and what his/her beliefs should be (i.e. conception of a higher power), as well as a typical addict's overall impression of terminal uniqueness. I had already decided who might be qualified and who definitely wasn't!
So the funny thing is (is it funny? or is it Murphy?), I had actually disqualified someone purely on the basis of a misconceived idea of mine about something of which I actually had no firsthand knowledge. I know - shocker! As usual, once I stopped looking so hard for someone who fit my specified qualifications, I came across someone who seems to be a good fit, and in fact did not have the affiliation that I had thought when I decided that she "wasn't in the running." It wasn't in my time, and it wasn't according to my plan - it simply was. And when I stopped worrying about when, where, what, how and when, I found my answer. Isn't that always the way? It's the needing to know, not the "not knowing" that gets me every time. Ah, Murphy again. There is one who has all power, that one is Murphy. May you find Him now. (Of course the beauty of Murphy is that the harder you look, the less you see, which is a good thing!)
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